In the years that I have been writing for the entertainment of other people, I have come up with some pretty damn funny “Top 20” lists, so I thought this would be a great place to share some of them. They will cover a wide range of subjects and some will be slightly less ‘office friendly’ than others, but I guarantee they’ll always be fun. Some will be old and some will be new but they’ll always be relevant to somebody. Some I still have to get my hands on. . . like the one we did at my buddy Nick’s 2010 New Year’s party up in New York. The “Top 20 Things You Never Want to Hear Your Mom Say to Your Friends” list still eludes me. That night was both epic and embarrassing on way too many levels, but those are the times you never forget. Pretty sure Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms won’t forget it either.
Today I’ll dedicate the list to my fellow gamers out there. I actually put this list together just over 5 years ago, but having looked back over it, all of it still applies. There have been tweaks here and there over time, but it has pretty much stayed the same.
Now I’m a tad older than a lot of people I run into in multiplayer chat on games, so over the years I have assembled a small group of buddies that I’ve dubbed my “OG”. (Older Gamers for those of you that just got a migraine.) People from all over the world that have not just been cool people to play games with, but have actually become very close friends. In fact, my buddy Nick that I spent New Years with in New York is a friend I met on Xbox Live. There are others as well, that you will meet in time if you continue to follow my blog.
So, let me shut the hell up now and get to it. For those of you who have had enough with multiplayer games or those that refuse to play because of the behavior you’ve experienced, here are:
The Top 20 Rules for Multiplayer Chat
(Applies to all gaming platforms)
- Being the best at whatever game we are playing is not my job. Being the best at whatever game we are playing is not YOUR job. I do not care that you owned me 30 times in a row. I’m over it. I do not care that you are mad because I owned you 30 times in a row. I’m over that too.
- I am not now, nor have I ever been a “niggah”. Even if I were black, I still wouldn’t be one. I am not a racist and I don’t appreciate the behavior of those that are. Racists throughout history have continued to show just how cowardly they are. People that feel the need to be racist behind the anonymity and saftey of a gaming headset show that they are the biggest cowards of them all.
- We probably don’t know each other, which explains why I have not made comments about your girlfriend/wife/mother/sister/dog/heritage. Your comments to me about my girlfriend/wife/mother/sister/dog/heritage are meaningless to me and don’t bother me since you don’t know them either. Save your breath.
- I am here to have fun and play a game. I don’t care if you suck or “pwn”. I don’t care if I suck or “pwn”. If you don’t mention the fact that I suck, I probably won’t mention the fact that you speak like you dropped out of school after the 3rd grade.
- If you have joined our chat channel, tried to talk to us and we then leave, there is a pretty good chance we don’t want to talk to you. If you follow us over to another channel and try again . . .and again we leave, this is known as a “hint” and up to that point I have been polite. Please do not make me tell you to fuck off. I was trying not to hurt your feelings.
- The microphone is no more than 2-3 inches from your mouth. My headset is less than an inch from my ear. Given this information we can use simple math to determine that your mouth is less than 3-4 inches from my ear. It is not necessary for you to yell. On the other side of that. . .
- I am not ordering food at the McDonald’s drive-thru. Speaking requires that you actually move your lips and open your teeth. I will not ask you to repeat yourself more than once. After that, I have already ignored you. I’d rather you not speak at all than mumble.
- Some games can get quite busy and there is often many people on the same chat channel making it very difficult to figure out what is going on. Do not add to the mayhem by gaming while sitting in the middle of Grand Central Station. It’s hard enough to figure out what is going on without having to listen to: a) you talk to your friend that is sitting next to you on the couch. b) people having a loud conversation in the room you are in. c) you argue with your wife/girlfriend/life partner. d) you talk on the phone. e) your television because you have it turned up to ear-shattering decibels. f) your dog bark at it’s own shadow. g) your stereo.
- I love food. I love to eat. I do not love to hear you eat. If you’re hungry, shut the game off and go have lunch. Nobody on the chat wants to hear you chewing. On that note . . .don’t chew gum.
- Never, EVER sing. I don’t care if you’re Shania Twain. DO NOT SING IN THE HEADSET! In fact, do not sing in the headset especially if you are Shania Twain.
- If you have to go to the bathroom, take your headset off before you go. Nobody in the chat is interested in listening to you take a piss. Why I even need to mention this, I don’t know . . .but it’s actually happened, so I guess I do.
- You are not “GANGSTA”. Nothing you can say will make me believe you are, so save your breath. (Side note: If you are a white kid from an upper class neighborhood trying to BE “gangsta”, we are not shaking in fear . . .we are trying desperately not to laugh in your face.)
- If I ignored you while we were in chat, there is a pretty good chance I’m not accepting your friend request either. If you were trying to talk shit and I ignored you, sending me a friend request will not help your cause.
- I do not care if you are male or female. I will play with you online either way. People that say “girls can’t play games” are the ones that have had their asses handed to them by a girl . . .which makes me point and laugh at those people. If you are in a multiplayer chat with a girl and you give her any crap for no other reason than she is a girl, you are automatically worthless.
- Do not quit a game and then join my team to talk trash to me after I got a stealth melee kill on you while you were crouched in your favorite sniper nest. My friends and I were laughing at you when I did it. My friends and I will continue to laugh at you when you join our chat, only this time we’ll get to hurt your feelings so you can hear it. You got spanked. Deal with it.
- Being 13 years old and inserting the word “dick” every third word does not make me think you are cool and does not make me think you are “older”. It makes me want to ground you and lobby for more strict regulations on selling M-rated games. It’s kids like you that make Jack Thompson right . . . .and we just can’t have that.
- I don’t give a flying green goddamn that your “big brother can own me”.
- If 9 other people in the chat with us have told you to shut the hell up . . . shut the hell up.
- Your father/brother/uncle/neighbors cat does not work for Microsoft/Sony/Nintendo. We do not believe you now and we never will and at that point we will not hear another word you say.
- I am not a Respiratory Therapist. I do not need to hear you breathe. The microphone works well without being shoved down your throat or up your nose.
It has been a while since that list was originally published and some of the online networks have changed slightly over the last 5 years, but for the most part, everything on there still applies. It has become much easier to “boot” out the undesirables or simply mute them, but even when you can’t hear them, they still aren’t any fun to play with. There is a certain etiquette involved in playing with other people online, whether you are on the same team or not, and us “more experienced gamers” would appreciate it if you young freaks would figure that out. It is amazing the number of the little assholes come into a battle of wits, unarmed.
There was one night I was playing with several of my friends and at the time I was writing a column for GamePro magazine, a guide for IGN and a guide for 1up.com. This little 13 year old nerd joined the game we were playing and started talking smack and we were all getting a little frustrated with him. It wasn’t a term that had gained popularity yet, but safe to say we were all feeling stabby. At one point I did something that annoyed him, like beating him with the butt of a rifle until his head popped like a zit or something and he said, “C’mon Dude, this game isn’t your JOB”!
Three of my friends simultaneously piped in: “Actually, it IS”!
God, I love my friends!
Peace and happy gaming!