Jul 01 2011

Craigslist, and other reasons we’re doomed . . .

tumblr_l25fr3huPq1qapjyuo1_500

I’ve been bad and not made a post for 2 days.  Normally this probably wouldn’t be so bad but it comes just 3 days after I promised myself I would make a post every day to get myself in the habit, and if I can’t keep a promise to myself then it must be New Year’s Day.

In reality, I had some relatives down from New York and we did a bunch of touristy shit and ate way too much and this causes lethargy and lack of motivation.

It really does swing.

We almost died getting out there.

Last night things started to settle down a little bit and I was quietly enjoying some “me time”, stalking my friends on Facebook when a series of posts from a female friend of mine caught my eye.  She was copy/pasting posts from Craigslist personals that she had found in the “men looking for women” section.  They were hilarious on a level I had not known in a while, both because of the ads themselves and her responses to them.  Let me just say my friend, “D” as she shall be known for purposes of this post and to protect her virgin . . . er, identity, is absolutely beautiful, smart and funny as hell and has no business searching Craigslist for a date.  I know she does it to amuse herself, and now, to amuse me.  Allow me to share it with you . . .

“i really wanna go to the beach for the weekend . go on a boat tour , rent a golf cart ,these type of things fun stuff. sorry i dont golf not much in to sports or on tv . im not cheap i dont mind paying and i dont use coupons i allways forget that i have em . i dont have a kool cell phone lol….”

D’s response:  “Dude has punctuation Tourette’s.”

“Hey nc girls I’m 28 I work a lot but looking for a friend don’t have none here came here for work I got pics please don’t try sellim urself to me cuz I’m not lookin to buy pussy k…..”

D’s response:  “O.M.G.”

“I’m a good guy with a full time job I know what I want out of life an where im headed. Im simple, honest, loyal an down to earth. I enjoy begins out doors. I love to cook, I also enjoy fishing an missing with cars an trucks…..”

D’s response:  “F*ck$ng shoot me now.  Looks like I’m taking a trip to Adam & Eve this weekend.”

This is just what was showing on Facebook.  Our conversation via text message was turning a little more deviant.  I told her I was going to post a “man looking for woman” Craigslist ad that was so outrageous that it couldn’t be ignored and that she should do the same the other way.  We would exchange whatever responses we got simply to entertain ourselves.  Thus far, my ad was a complete failure because it never got listed.  It says the ad is active, but it doesn’t show up in the listing.  A phenomenon, I found out through some research, known as “being ghosted”.  Long story short, I was filtered, flagged and removed before the post ever made it to public view.  To be clear, my ad would have probably been the cleanest one on the list.  Apparently, brutal honesty is vehemently prohibited.  It went something like this:

“I have pretty much had it with relationships in general. I am 2 years divorced and I have no interest in being married again. Let’s get real. I want a woman that knows how to cook, clean and swallow . . . but most importantly, when all of this has been accomplished, she must know how to go the hell home.

I am not a selfish lover . . . usually.

Yes, I do now and I always will, love my car more than you.

We can indeed have sex twice a day. I will still masturbate. I have a dick. It’s what we do.

Yes, I like pussy. It does not mean I have to like your cat.

My ex wife lives 3000 miles away. I don’t like her and she doesn’t like me and we don’t talk to each other. We like it that way. I don’t have to deal with my ex and I’m sure as hell not dealing with yours.

I don’t care if your mom doesn’t like me. In fact, the less she likes me, the more it entertains me.

Yes, if you tell me you are bi-sexual and also like women, I will ask for a threesome.

If you tell me you are straight and have no interest in other women, I will still ask for a threesome.

If you tell me it will be a cold day in Hell before we have a threesome, I will drive you to a little town in Western Michigan, named Hell . . . in December.

I insist you put the toilet seat the fuck back up!

I am actually pretty damn good looking and a really nice, considerate guy. If you’ve read this far, you can clearly see I have a sense of humor . . .

. . . however, having a sense of humor does not mean I did not mean everything I said.

Still reading? I like you already. Send me an email. I insist on pictures and you’re damn right I prefer naked ones.

If you don’t respond, remember this post the next time you’re bitching about how men are all just bullshitting you. “

No pictures of my private parts were included.  The text you see above is as bad as it got.  The link to the post actually works (not anymore it doesn’t, but D has an evil plot to make it work for me soon), you just can’t see it in the listing.   I sent the link to D so she could see where I was trying to go.  Always the adorable little wiseass that she is, she responded to the randomized email address in the ad with, “You had me at “swallow”.  That is funny as hell, and I don’t mean the little town in Western Michigan.  :)”

Give me a day or two and somehow I’ll manage to get that ad on there and show you how I can bring the ladies with my smooth way, and soon I’ll have some entertaining excerpts to bring from D’s end of the Craigslist Asylum.  As she said to me in an email today, “If I have time tonight, I might compose my tragic & desperate girl looking for “the one” ad. Will let u know when I get it posted. ”

She had me at “tragic and desperate”.

I leave you with some of what the women in my area are looking for and what goes through my head when I read it.

[This is Part 1 in a 4 part series . . . be sure to catch Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4 as well!]

Truth hurts . . . and sometimes itches.

I could have done this for hours . . .

Permanent link to this article: http://www.opticynicism.com/2011/07/craigslist-and-other-reasons-were-doomed/

9 comments

4 pings

Skip to comment form

    • Zippy on July 1, 2011 at 10:14 pm
    • Reply

    Dude, that is some damn funny stuff.
    DONT EVER take days off again. 😀

    1. Did you ever think that maybe the break enhanced the funny? Huh?! Did you?!

    • angela on July 2, 2011 at 12:36 am
    • Reply

    OMG!! that was amazng!! ps i like my car than most the guys i date too!

    • Teri B on July 2, 2011 at 10:27 am
    • Reply

    WOW!! Dude screw this blog crap! You need to move to Hollywood. You are really missing out on some big time $$ or maybe they are missing out? Damn that was hilarious and YES I did pee first!
    Hugs and Love!
    T

    1. You are good for the ego, Teri. Thank you very much! I’m glad you subscribed!

    • Colin on July 2, 2011 at 4:43 pm
    • Reply

    Sheer awesomeness…makes mi miss candiedskull.com…=’/

  1. Reblogged on http://whitegirlsbelike.wordpress.com/ 🙂
    Alanna recently posted…Everybody Loves Comedy And Free Shit. Get Yours Here!My Profile

  2. Oh good lord was that hilarious.

    1. Thanks, man! Check out the rest of them. I’ve been commiserating with D to help me with another one. We are plotting some ideas.

  1. […] Opticynicism My brilliance is exceeded only by my chronic insomnia « Craigslist, and other reasons we’re doomed . . . […]

  2. […] you’re new here and got linked directly to this post, please read Part 1 and Part 2 of this experiment so that this one doesn’t explode your brain and make you all, […]

  3. […] Craigslist, and other reasons we’re doomed . . . The People of Craigslist, and you thought the people of WalMart were bad The Craigslist results are in, Chicks Rule – Dudes Drool […]

  4. […] . . and the Craigslist personals, I’ve pretty much covered that shit.  I was just goofing around trying to post a blunt, but very fucking honest ad and it even had a […]

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

CommentLuv badge

%d bloggers like this: