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Jul 07 2011

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Deadliest Swamp Hoarders 3000

Balancing Rock, Omak Lake, Washington

I gotta make this quick ’cause Swamp People is on.  I love me some Swamp People.  Someday, if I ever get a vacation again, I want to spend it with Troy Landry and go catch me some “gatahs”.  These guys are a real special kind of hunter.  They catch these 500 – 800 pound beasts with some rotten chicken on a little tiny rope and shoot them in the head while the gators are spinning uncontrollably.  I’m thinkin’ it would be easier to catch elephants with a butterfly net and a tire iron.

There are chosen few reality TV shows I’ll watch.  Out of the dozens and dozens of choices, I can narrow my top picks down to just a small handful.  Swamp People, Deadliest Catch, Hoarders for the disgusting factor and Intervention.  When it’s all said and done, it’s not really the show that is entertaining so much as the things that it makes me think of when I watch them.  While the stuff on the shows is funny, the images it brings about are even better, and if you really want to be entertained, you should watch one of these with my brother and I.  We aren’t even in the same house and here is the conversation we had through Facebook messages while simultaneously watching the show (my brother shall remain “Bacon” until further notice):

Me:  (Quoting Troy upon discovering his favorite fishing spot, also known as a ‘Honey Hole’ was unfishable)  “Motha Fricka!”

Bacon:   I was just thinking of making that my status.

Bacon:  (After a gator yanks the rifle out of the hunters hand)  That was one tasty rifle.

Me:  That was AWESOME! I’m thinkin’ that rifle is gooooooone. Maybe they’ll get lucky and he swallowed it.

Bacon:  I hate it when my honey hole fills with lilies.

Me:  “I hate that you gotta go in the water like that . . . be careful.” *gator closing in*

Bacon:  How long until one of these idiots shoots the other one?  Nothing says “good idea” like bringing a cooler full of Budweiser alligator hunting.  Did that guy just put aluminum siding under his sofa cushions?

Me:  Ya mean Daryl and his other brother Daryl?  The ZZ Top of the squirrel hunting world? With their big hit “Where, oh where did you go you little gray son of a gun”.

Bacon:  Beavis and Butthead like some squirrel dumplings!

Me:  (After Joe says, “You know when there is a big gator in the area.  You can smell it.  It’s got a loud odor.”)  What does an odor sound like?

Bacon:  Ham.

Me:  Great blog post coming up. The Uneducated Inspirational Sayings Collection: featuring such classics as, “When the going gets tough . . .make lemonade.”

Bacon:  “Fool me once, shame on… shame on you. Fool me… can’t get fooled again.” George W Bush

Me:  Oh fuck, I’m cryin’ again. I’m makin’ this a blog post.  “One small step for man . . . can save you a lot of money on your car insurance.”

Bacon: It’s like squeezing juice from a stone. Theres more than one way to shave a cat. Opinions are like assholes. Yours stinks.

This, folks, is how things get out of hand when my brother and I get on a roll. It’s worse when we’re in person. It is at this time when my sister-in-law rolls her eyes and goes to bed.  Incorrigible, I believe is the word that has been used in reference to us.  What can we say, the nuts didn’t fall far because we weren’t born yesterday.  For more fun with my brother, go check out his blog, Bacon Beer.  Go ahead.  It won’t take long.  I’ll wait here.

See, I told you it wouldn’t take long.

I’m thinking my brother and I should have our own reality TV show.  Every damn body else does, so why not us.  It would be a reality show about my brother and I making fun of reality shows.  And eating bacon.  We would definitely eat bacon.  Millions of people across America, hell, the world, will sit in front of their TV and watch my brother and I sit in front of the TV.  You scoff, but it’s been successfully done with movies.  Mystery Science Theater 3000 ring any bells?  But we’d be different.  We don’t have robots and I’m pretty sure they didn’t eat bacon.  We’d be funnier, except when we aren’t then we’d be a disappointment and you would mock us by throwing rocks at our houses that say “YOU SUCK” except you don’t know where we live so you’d just be driving around with a car full of you-suck-rocks being all lost and shit.

WooooooooOOoooooooo!

Look, a squirrel!

I’m tired and I’m gonna go work on this little plan.  I think I’m on to something.  I also mentioned something on Facebook today about starting my first book finally.  Look for “Shut the Fuck Up, You Moron” on your bookstore shelves very soon.

Permanent link to this article: http://www.opticynicism.com/2011/07/deadliest-swamp-hoarders-3000/

2 comments

  1. angela

    lol I loved MST 2000 is that still on the air???

  2. D

    Every single time I watch Hoarders, I get 10 minutes into the show & have to pause it to clean something, anything, in my apartment. Then I can watch the rest of the show.

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