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Jul 23 2011

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I used to think I couldn’t live without oxygen, then I got an iPhone

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I’m a geek for my shiny things.  I don’t mind admitting it.  If it plays games or makes beautiful pictures or surfs the internet or otherwise allows me to keep in touch with all the wonderful people in my semi-virtual world, I’m all over it.  I don’t care if my living room is 6′ by 6′, the damn TV better be 6′ too.  With HD and multiple inputs and my laptop plugged into it and a picture so crisp that when Horatio Caine on CSI: Miami whips his sunglasses off and gets all Captain Kirk over-dramatic, I can slap that motherfucker and he will feel it.

“My name is Horatio Caine, and I’m kinduva douchebag.”

Even my car is a geek.  It has built in bluetooth for my phone, with it’s own phonebook for my contacts and the buttons are on the steering wheel.  I can talk to it and it does what I say.  Mostly.  I can assign names to my friends and just say “Call Kitten” into the air, and it will.  It’ll turn the radio off and play the phone through the speakers.  My car is also keyless.  Well, it has a key, I just never need to take it out of my pocket.  I can lock and unlock the doors, open the trunk and even start the car all with my keys nestled in my pocket.

But the device that changed life as I knew it, the device above all other devices, was my iPhone.  It started with the iPhone 3GS and now I’m on the iPhone 4.  There was a one month period between the two that I’m horribly embarrassed about.

“I’m sorry Apple, it was a one time thing.  It was my time for an upgrade and the salesperson tempted me with shiny things that turned out to be not as damn shiny as I thought.  I knew not what I was doing.  That Droid meant nothing to me.  You’re the only one for me.”

I’m serious.  I had 30 days to try that *other phone* out and on day 29 I walked into AT&T, found that same damn salesperson and said “Take this piece of shit back and gimme an iPhone 4”.    I was back in love again.  I had my ultimate device by my side where it will stay forever – or until the next version comes out.  It has everything I could ever want and some shit I don’t.  It does everything.  Or so I thought . . .

then I jailbroke that fucker!

Oh. My. God!

I phonegasmed.

iGasm? Look, there’s an app for that!

All the stuff that I already thought was totally cool about the iPhone, got about a 1000 times cooler!  I can arrange things I couldn’t previously arrange.  I can store things beyond the original storage limitations.  I can add themes and change the icons and totally change the functions of the status bar.

It’ll clean the damn house too but I can’t afford the app.

Because I always pay for my apps.  😉

I have my entire life on that phone.  My pictures, email, banking, games, texts, Facebook, Twitter and Netflix.  It’s a GPS, a flashlight, a police scanner and I can read books on it.  I can write this blog from it and manage the site and get all my stats and read and reply to your comments.  I’ve even got Photoshop on there.

The other day I found out the sonofabitch even has a PHONE!  Whoda thunk it?!

The best part about it, especially since I jailbroke it, is that it plays well with my OCD.  With my need to have things in their own certain little places, the tweaks I could get to arrange folders and group apps together and even put folders within folders just made me totally gay for my phone.  I like my “work” area to be clean, neat and organized.  Well, organized for me anyway.  To look at my home screen you’d think I’m pretty minimalist, but I got all kinds of stuff on there and it’s all tucked neatly away somewhere that I know exactly where to find it.

I’m a social kinda guy, so I got a folder full of social kinda shit.

The more I do this, the more I’m even thinking this should be the way I post my “Facebook Post of the day” feature and I would do it now but you people were entirely not funny today and for that I am ashamed of you.  I know it’s hot people, but come the hell on!  I’m going to have to think of something else that happened that was awesome today.

[EDIT:  As Kelley has so sweetly pointed out in my comments, the home screen on my phone did not accurately reflect my reverence for MagnetoBoldToo as it did not have a shortcut icon on it.  She also mentioned that she has not made an icon for it yet.  Doesn’t matter, her blog is so awesome it doesn’t need an icon.  It’s just a white box and it reaches out of the phone and grabs you by the throat and says “Read me, BITCH!”  You better do it, because Kelley is badass and so is her blog.  And also, she’ll cut you if you don’t.  Tell her you love shoes and she’ll follow you on Twitter.  I totally fixed my iPhone home page . . . out of fear.]

This whole damn image is a link to her page!

Now, I know there are a bunch of you Droid and Windows users out there that are all going “WHATevs”!  You’ve clearly not been able to use the iPhone at it’s fully unlocked wonderment, so I am sad for you.  But I’m also here to say, iPhone can give you what you want.  The screenshot below is an iPhone themed to look like a Droid screen.  It can even make you poor saps feel at home.

The dead Droid in the background image is freakin’ AWESOME!

For those of you that have an iPhone and haven’t got around to jailbreaking it yet, DO IT!  For you folks I’ll give you my list of “must have” jailbreak apps to make your phone the digital playground you always wanted:

  • BiteSMS – Expanded text messaging program, the best feature being that you can answer texts without leaving whatever app you’re already in.
  • FolderEnhancer – Gets rid of the 12 app limit for folders as well as allows folders within folders.
  • Infinidock – Gets rid of the 4 app limit for your docked apps at the bottom of the screen.  Allows you to increase the number of apps shown (see the screenshot of my phone above, I have 7), scrolls from side to side for an unlimited number of apps and allows for folders to be placed there as well.
  • LockInfo – Gives you a quick menu on the lock screen letting you know if you have calls, texts, mail, etc without having to open up the phone.

    Yes, that’s my lock screen and yes I blocked out the picture because Kitten would probably have me assassinated for posting her pic on here. Or maybe she wouldn’t, I don’t know.

  • SnapTap – Allows you to use the volume button as the shutter button for the camera.  MUCH nicer than the touch button on the screen.  A feature that will come with iOS 5, but this gets it to you now.
  • WinterBoard – The app that allows you to apply all the themes.  You’ll hear people go both ways about this app.  Some claim it slows down the system, drains the battery faster and causes freezing issues.  I’ll just tell you that I’ve experienced none of that.

I said it before and I’ll say it again, this is the single greatest piece of equipment I’ve ever owned.  I encourage everyone to try one that hasn’t yet and I think you’ll agree.  I’m especially looking at you Crackberry users.  You know who you are!  I swear, it’s even better than this:

Bet that bitch doesn’t have a police scanner!

If you’ve got a jailbroken iPhone, I’d love to hear what kind of great apps you’ve found to make your experience better and if I’ve convinced you to come to the Apple Side, please comment and tell me how I have changed your life in such a profound way that you couldn’t help but click on the damn donate button and thank me with large amounts of cash!

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Facebook post of the day cancelled due to you people sucking today.

Permanent link to this article: http://www.opticynicism.com/2011/07/i-used-to-think-i-couldnt-live-without-oxygen-then-i-got-an-iphone/

2 comments

  1. Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo

    deeply disappointed to find that my blog is not pride of place on your iphone homepage. I need my own motherfucking icon on that bad boy.

    Sheesh.

    1. opticynicism

      The management of Opticynicism (aka: my wide awake ass) wishes to express it’s deepest apologies for this oversight. We have investigated the situation (ie: you pointed out my dumbassity via email and told me what the fuck to do) and the situation has been corrected. Please accept the big ass icon with my favorite dirty word in my sidebar as a token of continued friendship.

      and also as a token of the rest of you need to read her stuff because she’s totally badass and one of my new hero’s and she says “fuck” a lot too.

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