After much plotting and scheming and finally a re-write of my original ad, D is for Deviant managed to get my personal ad posted on Craigslist for me yesterday. We still have no idea what allowed them to post this one and not the other one, but here is the ad that finally made it:
Can you make the cut? -42
I have been divorced for 2 years and I need to get out, but let me clear up a few things before we get started. I am here trying to get laid. Sure, I would like to make friends and eventually have an LTR, but I’m thinking short term right now. I am good looking, funny and gosh-darnit, people like me. I am also honest, so if you make it through the list below, we’re going to be just fine.
I love my car more than you. I always will.
Don’t ask me if “those jeans make you look fat”. I know it’s a trap. You know it’s a trap. We both know it’s not the jeans that make you look fat.
Yes, I am staring at that girl and yes, I am imagining what she looks like naked.
It is just as easy for you to put the toilet seat up as it is for me to put it down. Play fair.
Sex twice a day is a request I am more than happy to honor. I will still masturbate. I have a penis. It is what we do.
I will not talk about our sex life to my friends. As far as you know.
If you ask me what I am thinking and I say “nothing”, that means “nothing relevant”.
I am very comfortable being alone sometimes. Leave me that way when requested. I might be masturbating.
Yes, if we get serious and an LTR is a very real possibility, I will get rid of my porn stash. As far as you know.
If you have a dog/cat/ferret/lizard/bird/etc, it will not be in the room while we are having sex. We are not the Discovery Channel for Pets.
Not swallowing is a deal breaker. Period.
I will make sure you are every bit as satisfied as I am. Usually.
I am loyal, kind, generous and have a wicked sense of humor, so if you made it this far, you’re in.
I have attached a random and completely irrelevant image so that you shallow women get this ad even when you click “show only ads with images”.
Respond if you’re interested, but if you don’t, remember this ad the next time you’re bitching about men doing nothing but bullshitting you.
I’d like to say that D was the first to respond, but the first of what would turn out to be mostly bots, responded approximately 3 milliseconds after the ad hit the public list. Nobody could have read even the first two sentences in the time it took the first response to come in. Welcome, Alyson!
“Hey give me your phone number”
Let me get right on that, Alyson.
D’s response came right after that. Of course it was my favorite.
“You sure do have big grapes.”
I love this woman.
Clearly, I wasn’t going to get the whopping 84 responses that D got, and I expected the bots to abound, but c’mon. 15 responses total, 8 of them being bots? Not one single vagina pic, either, so WTF? They pretty much came to a screeching halt after that because after 36 hours on the “men looking for women” board, you’re not even close to the top of the list anymore. Besides, we knew the ladies had the upper hand long before I got to 15. Even the bots were tired. This one didn’t even finish:
“After months and months of enduring the absolute WORST dates you could ever possibly imagine, I decided to take an extended break from the dating scene to try and figure out what I really wanted. Trust me~ when I say they were bad dates, I mean they were BAD dates. Some friends set me up with a midget last fall . . . I went out with a much”
Did the bot-fairy nod off? There was bad dates and midgets and shit! I wanted to hear the rest of that for fucks sake. Bot-tease.
Then there was the bot with the auto-generated paragraph, the AI for which was obviously written by professional Help Desk worker, Mohammed Abdul “Steve” Thirtysevenconsonants:
“Here’s hoping you’re a genuine dude, hopefully not one of the auto guys. Hair/eyes, blond/blue. I usually do not wear a bunch of makeup because yes: I look just that good. I feel that we could be a great match. If you are interested we then need to get together shortly 😉 Let’s see what do I prefer to do in excitement? I love to party together with the ladies but also like to remain in along with this particular special someone. Through warm days I love to backpack and revel in the outdoors, however concerning frosty days I would rather spend by just a warm fireplace. So lets meet up. Check your schedule and lemme know what will work for you.”
Apparently if I am a mechanic or a car salesman, I’m out. No Auto Guys Allowed. Seriously, read that response to yourself using the Apu the Kwiky Mart owner from The Simpson’s voice. It’ll bring it all into perspective.
Just to round things out, we have the Attention Deficit Disorder Bot:
“Would love someone to hang with and feel comfortable with
maybe you are an old school gamer who’s still holding onto his AD&D dice & comic books
its amazing how it works”
“. . . look, a squirrel!” Please introduce me to the dude that falls for this shit. No, wait. Don’t. For as little sense as the entire thing makes, we can see by the second line that at the very least they have a firm grasp on what their target demographic is.
As for the rest of the bots, they were pretty standard and just a little too transparent. The one from Karen, for example, with the email address firstname.lastname@example.org, or my other favorite one from Kristina that had the return first name of “Tzivtfytna”. The next time I’m in a tourist trap gift shop (like I was last week) with everything from personalized pocketknives to nose hair trimmers, I’m looking for “Tzivtfytna”.
Despite the much lower response and the majority of bots, it was the remaining responses that restored my faith. At least it restored my faith in the female gender. Mostly. The exception was the one that signed herself “Me”:
“Ok,you sound pretty cool but,your dealbreaker – gonna have to change that. Not just for me,but for anyone that can’t take ur diet. Remember – u taste like wut u eat.”
1) I guess I forgot to mention the other deal-breaker that involved women that told me what I was “gonna have to change” and b) grammar and spelling are important parts of my life and 3) I guess I will never be tasting like you. But thank you for not being a bot.
As for the few remaining responses, I got what I had actually predicted I would get. D didn’t believe it for a minute, but she’s gonna have to cave in and admit that I called this ahead of time. Please enjoy the shining few:
First of all I am real, it has been in the mid 90’s here in the triangle. Your posting is fantastic! I have to wonder tho, cos you seem like a great guy, why is it so hard for you to get laid? Your sense of humor is rare. And they way you buried your deal breaker in there is just too funny. To be honest, I have no idea why I am responding. I guess to say hello and let you know that CL does have real people. They are probably few and far between but they are there. So good luck in your search. Have a happy and safe 4th!!
me: THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT!!
D: I am shocked! I clearly don’t know women AT ALL.
“AMEN! One of the funniest & honest post’s I have ever read. I’m still laughing! You may be twice divorced but at least you still have one heck of a sense of humor aka a realist. 🙂
Your post rocked!
me: The men of Craigslist should bow to my skillz. I have cracked the code.
D: You should teach a class.
“Just wanted to say that I thought your ad was BRILLIANT! Funny, honest, concise, etc.
When/if you get to the point that you want more than a short-term whatever, shoot me an email. I’d be interested and I have no problems with anything on your list. 😉
me: I. Am. The. Beast. at this shit!!
D: Damn you for not drawing out the crazies for my entertainment!
“Thanks for your ad. Just chilling out today and it made me laugh. Good luck!
me: It’s still early. But I think we can conclude that men are scum.
D: I concur.
Despite the minimal responses, I think we got a sufficient amount to come to some conclusions that were mostly what we expected. The summary conclusion is: The majority of men on Craigslist are either pigs or retarded, or both. The majority of women on Craigslist are either not real or they are there to laugh at your pig, retarded male ass.
I wish that I could have had maybe at least twice as many responses as I got, or at least as many REAL responses as I had total. I knew I wasn’t going to come anywhere near the 84 that D got, and the only reason it stopped there for her was the fact that she got flagged. Alas, this is what I get for being a part of the “sea” and not on the side trying to keep my feet dry. As I came toward this point in writing this post, I complained to D that I had been trying to write it all day long and had been continually interrupted and it was taking forever. In the process of making fun of me for it, our results were pretty much summed up:
D: “Well, it shouldn’t take you too long since you got so few emails. *evil grin*”
me: What I lacked in quantity, I gained in quality. 😛
D: “Whatev. I got a penis photo!”
me: and here I am vaginaless.
D: “Haha! I win! No, wait. I don’t think this is one I want to win. CRAP!”
D: “You get 15 responses and several were actually GOOD responses you should respond to. I get 84 and not one worth putting on clean underwear for. No fair!”
me: So what have you learned?
D: “Nothing. The men that responded did not disappoint my low expectations. Well, I would have liked more than one penis photo. I mean, I should get SOMETHING out of it, right?”
me: I think you would regret having that wish granted at some point.
D: Depends on the photos.
me: Well, the ‘men looking for women’ board is LOADED with penis photos! *grins ’cause I said LOAD*
I guess that settles it. We’re both pigs. But very nice, good looking, loveable pigs. Please love us. Don’t make us post an ad.
Penis pics can be sent to ds4deviant(AT)gmail(DOT)com
Vagina pics can be sent to opticynicism(AT)gmail(DOT)com
For the love of all that is holy, do not confuse the two.
*We’re kidding about the pics. As far as you know.
EDIT: Within moments of publishing this post, I received this response:
Subj: THANK YOU!
I am probably too young and too far but I just wanted to say thank you for being upfront. It would be so much easier if it was always like that. I really hope you find your person to make the cut.
Ladies, you rock!