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Jul 05 2011

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Top 20 Tuesday for July 5th, 2011: Craigslist Leftovers

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Today was one of those days.  By the time I realized it was Tuesday and it was a Top 20 day, it was after lunch and I pretty much had nothing for an idea.  Then I had a great idea and started in on it and got halfway through it and decided it was complete garbage.  Well, not complete garbage, but it was gonna require more thought than I could put into it in a single afternoon so it’s been shipped into Draft Folder Purgatory for when I’m feeling slightly more witty.

On top of that, after the past few days of the Craigslist Personals Social Experiment and the success that it brought with it, I’m feeling a little pressure.  I’d hate to think that I peaked with Craigslist.  It’s enough to make one want to kick puppies.  So when I turned to my friends on my Facebook Opticynicism Fan Page and asked for some suggestions . . . nobody said anything.  The place was all like, crickets and tumbleweeds and shit.  Not a single one of the 10 people that like me suggested anything.

Until Teri came along and demanded that I bring back “D” and that I “step it up a notch because [she’s] stuck with the kids all week and they’re making [her] crazy”.  So now I have the additional stress of being a getaway for the tired and aggravated mom.  Another one of those conversations with myself happened.

me:  You can do this.  C’mon.  These ideas wake you up in the middle of the night.

me:  That’s the Ambien dreams.

me:  Yeah, probably, but some of that shit is GOOD!

me:  The last couple days are gonna be a tough act to follow.

me:  You get better with age, Dude, c’mon!

me:  Fuck you and your “age”.

me:  You’re right.  Get a hold of “D”.

So that I did and I told her what I was attempting to do and that I’d decided to stick with the Craigslist theme and do a bit of cleanup.  She immediately pulled a couple of suggestions right out of her head because they had stuck with her and today’s Top 20 list was born:

Top 20 Craigslist Personal Ad Headlines
(Thanks to D, 10 from the m4w board and 10 from the w4m board)

Hammer time!

Looking for someone to fill the emptiness I feel. In my trunk.

From w4m:

1.  Interested in dating a stripper?  – 23

Every jackass with chloroform is gonna answer this one. . .and D thought she was swimming in the sea of losers.

2.  Girl next door seeks boy next door – 25

This is like texting your brother . . .when he’s downstairs.  Open a window!

3.  seeking a normal man – 25

Yes, I am staring at that girl and yes, I am imagining what she looks like naked.  THERE’S your “normal”, Honey.

4.  Bf seeking one good man not a craiglist player – 35

I’m sorry, but are you fucking lost?  This is Craigslist!

5.  Looking for my other half – 26

Where were you when you lost it?

6.  Seeking Christian Gentleman – 43

Sure, let me send you a picture of my junk.  Oh, and . . . Welcome to Craigslist!

7.  Just a girl looking for a guy – No age given

I clicked on “Women looking for Men” to get here.  This is what I expected.

8.  Pregnant and single – 30

Holy shit, how did I let this one get past me?

9.  i’m 50/50 on everything – 24

This one is drawing up the divorce papers already.  At least she skips all the bullshit.

10.  Jane Eyre searching for her Rochester – 25

3 million men just went “huh”?  Most of the guys on here are gonna want to “gt wid ur fne azz” and you’re making literary references.

How come Monk never figured this shit out?

It puts the lotion on its skin . . .

from m4w (Once again, featuring D!)

1.  ***Position now available:  Wife*** – 28

“That’s HOT!”

2.  Help!  My wife won’t sleep with me – 36

“Maybe, just maybe, it’s because you’re posting ads on CL to get laid?  Just a thought.”

3.  Looking 4 a real love – 37

“On Craigslist?  Please refer to related articles @ http://opticynicism.com/”

4.  Are You Pregnant or Lactating?

“I had a big lunch & spilt milk on my shirt, does that count?”

Send him a link to #8 on my list, D.

5.  Let me safely and gently introduce you to submission – 28

“Let me painfully & aggressively introduce you to my 4 inch heel up your ass.”

6.  So i b-sed and might get a misdimeanor – 25

“The ad’s text is better then anything I could think up…”

would you love me? I have a very intense appetite for punnany…and i cuddle

7.  happy independence day lol

“What the FUCK is so funny?!  I. Hate. You.”

8.  I’m Running To You – 38

“And once he catches you, he’s going to wear your skin to the new Pirates of the Carabean movie.”

9.  My two favorite things are commitment and changing myself! – 28

“Nothing’s sexier than a clingy guy you can mold into anything like Play Doh. Think I’ll mold him into a dildo.”

10.  cuddling with a hairy chest – 34

“This sounds fantastic!  Can you give me a week to stop shaving & give it a chance to grow out a little?”

[This is Part 4 in a 4 part series . . . be sure to catch Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 as well!]

——————————————–

Ok my peoples.  With that, I will commence to leave Craigslist alone.  We’ve abused it quite enough in the last couple days and I have to give it some credit.  I did sell a couch today because of Craigslist.  Weirdest fucking personal ad ever.

Now I’m gonna share some love . . .

So for Teri and anyone else that needed some comic relief today, I hope I’ve accomplished the mission.  If not, come back tomorrow and I’ll try again.  If you need to fill the emptiness in between my posts, let me share some love.

This isn’t just for you, but it’s for me and for the ladies I’m linking to here.  (Yep, they are all female bloggers)  I’ve spent far too much time this past couple weeks digging around a whole crap-ton of blogs and I’ll be straight up with you, just like the women are the shining stars of Craigslist, so they are of the blogosphere.  I’ve also learned that if you want to get any love in this community, you’ve got to share it and I’m more than happy to share it with these women.  I mean that in the most platonic and sincere and sweet way.  As far as you know.

Please take the time to visit these blogs and don’t forget to comment, subscribe and if by any chance you can buy a giant metal chicken t-shirt, please do.

The Bloggess – After years of people telling me that I should start writing a blog, it was an innocent little link that my sister-in-law posted on Facebook one afternoon that led me to Jenny’s blog.  I spent 4 hours going back through previous posts and going to the links for the other sites she writes for and I laughed and laughed and it was totally gay, but it was worth it.  She’s the reason I finally said “Yeah, I gotta do this”.  I bow to her skillz.

Oh, Noa. – A link on the previous blog led me to this one, and it did not steer me wrong.  Noa is rude, crude and socially unacceptable in any situation . . . and PERFECT!  Please spend some time hanging around her blog.

Motherhood in NYC – At this point I was blinded by links and blogs and who writes for what or whatever so I don’t even remember where I found this link but any of the ones that caught my attention and admiration usually linked back to one of the first two I listed anyway, and once again, you can’t go wrong with Marinka.  A Russian born, New York City mom with a sharp eye, a sharper tongue and an awesome sense of humor.

Yo Mama’s Blog – From New York, back down to Texas (Sorry, did I forget to mention The Bloggess and Oh Noa were from Texas too?), Miss Yvonne won’t fail to keep you falling off your chair.  She is the most beautiful woman in Puppet Land.  (I don’t know what the hell it means either, just read her blog.  It’s good!)

Wait In The Van – Again, from Texas (I’m gonna have to move there because all the funny seems to be down there), Kristine dubs herself  “just another blogger with social anxiety, controversial posts about cats and children, and who writes to Oprah weekly with magazine clippings regarding my unsubstantiated book deal”.  If she doesn’t have a book deal, she needs one.  You’ll have fun at her blog.

Magneto Bold Too – I went all the way around the world for this one.  Ok, I never left the couch, but Kelley here is in Australia.  All in all, a true hero in my book.  In the few days I’ve been reading her posts, she has endured things in her life I can’t even imagine and still manages to come out with an incredibly sharp sense of humor and brilliant perspective on the world.  She also proves there is no such thing as too many F-bombs.  You’ll enjoy the hell out of this one too!

Permanent link to this article: http://www.opticynicism.com/2011/07/top-20-tuesday-for-july-5th-2011-craigslist-leftovers/

5 comments

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  1. Teri B

    Thanks I so needed that. I am sitting here working and needed a break so reading that and laughing like hell (quietly so I don’t wake the kids) was GREAT! I hope to have a good set of abs in about a month after reading your blog daily and LMFAO!

    1. opticynicism

      Sorry I made you wait so late. It was a hell of a day. Even D hasn’t seen the final product yet. She was all “I’m going to bed. I’ll read it tomorrow”. Sheesh. Women used to like it when I could keep ’em up late.

  2. angela

    LOL thank you Eric for the smile eveyday!. Ps #6 hahahaha thanks

  3. D

    You have no idea how perfect the photo & quote is perfect for me! Love that book & movie & love that scene. But hey, who doesn’t? Warning, you will find yourself singing this for the rest of the day…..

    1. opticynicism

      This is SO getting converted to mp3 and going on my iPhone.

  1. The Craigslist results are in: Chicks rule, Dudes drool - Opticynicism

    […] is Part 3 in a 4 part series . . . be sure to catch Part 1, Part 2 and Part 4 as […]

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