Top 20 Tuesday can suck it this week. I got something on my mind . . . Let me be straight with you folks (there’s a joke in there, you’ll see in a minute), I am about as into politics as a teenager is into homework. I could really give a shit less. Politicians care only about themselves, they all lie and not a single one of them trusts even each other. Every single time, no exceptions, period. You want to know when I’m going to trust a politician? When he walks up to the podium in cargo shorts, a T-shirt and flip-flops, flips up the devil horns and exclaims “Duuuuuuuuuudes! I would like to announce my candidacy for President of the YEEEEWWWnited States! . . . and I’m am SOOO fucked up right now – HAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!” That, I’m votin’ for. Because at least he’s honest. Sure, he also has no idea what he’s doing but that obviously was not a prerequisite for his predecessors. So, what is my non-political ass doing writing about politics then? Mostly just because I’m annoyed. You know, I try to sit down and read the paper in the morning with my breakfast. There’s nothing like an advice columnist with her head up her ass or the heartwarming story of the guy in Wilkes County that shot and killed a guy that broke into his house with a machete at 4 in the morning, but I’m not getting that.
We can’t fix our budget, people can’t get health care, unemployment is miserable and people are getting laid off. Gas prices are rising, pop stars are dying and a dog in Guilford County lost his leg in a freak moped accident, and do you know WHY all this is happening? Because gay people wanna get married. At least, that’s the impression I’m getting. I’m as straight as they come, and someday I’d like to be married to a wonderful woman. Because I am a man and she will be a woman, nobody is going to try to stop me. Nobody will point at us or stop us from getting insurance or ban us from church. We’ll go on and live our quiet little lives and no one will be the wiser. So please tell me why we have to have such an uproar over gay people getting married? Some of my best friends are gay. They’re normal people with normal jobs (well, they’re as normal as anyone else that hangs around me) and they live productive lives and contribute to society and pay their taxes. Why am I supposed to give a flying shit who they go home and spend the night with? If two consenting people want to get together and live their lives, so be it, whether they are man and woman, man and man, or woman and woman. Leave them be! Our government is on the edge of shutting down and we have people flocking in protest because Steve wants to marry Bill. If you assholes would be so kind as to skip the anti-gay protests and save some fucking gas, I’d really appreciate it. Better yet, allow me to practice my right to free speech. I won’t say a word, I promise. I will however be at your protest playing girl on girl porn on a big freakin’ drive-in movie theater screen. Any male protester that doesn’t get a chubby, you are gay and your straight marriage is a sham and you and your wife will now be shoved into Niagra Falls for being a hypocrite . . . because your wife got a little flushed watching it too. Let me share some of the brilliant quotes I found from protesters at a recent Albany, NY shindig.
We’re not against anybody, but we don’t want this imposed on us. – Tre’ Staton, pastor at the Empire Christian Center in suburban Colonie and an organizer of the protest.
I’m sorry Tre’, but apparently I have misunderstood. Is NY forcing YOU to marry someone of the same sex, because really, other than that I don’t see how anything is being “imposed on” you.
Jewish protester Heshy Friedman carried a pig mask “because the law’s not Kosher.”
Fuckin’ comedian, this one is. Gilbert Gottfried is funnier.
We’re going to show them next week that everything they did today was illegal! – State Sen. Ruben Diaz, speaking in Spanish.
Half the Spanish speaking population of New York is illegal, how about hopping on that bandwagon, asshole.
Seriously people, I don’t care who you marry. The only requirement should be that both parties consent, and let’s be real, how many non-consensual marriages of any kind have you seen that didn’t involve a redneck daddy and a shotgun? If you want to marry a goat, as long as that goat can look me in the eye and say “Yes, I want to marry this person.”, then suit the hell up and tell me where the seafood bar is gonna be at the reception. You may want to register at PetSmart. We’ve got too many problems in our world right now. Problems that are going to affect the lives of every human being on the planet in one way or another. We’ve got men and women in other countries fighting every single day and losing their limbs and minds and lives, but yet even their sexual orientation seems to be an issue. Let me tell you this from a Marine’s point of view, if you can pull a trigger and help me keep from getting my ass shot off, I don’t give a damn who you marry as long as I’m getting home to my other half. But most of all, I’m gonna be pissed off because my ass is over there getting shot at because our people are at home debating over gay marriage instead of worrying about getting our asses home. I can only dream that one of those protestors has a kid or a brother or sister over in Iraq or Afghanistan, and they’ve managed to read this post. Put your self-righteous little head inside theirs right now and then tell me how important your protest is. You know, the ones over there fighting for the rights of the gays to speak out and ask for what they want, and fighting for your right to speak out and be an asshole . . . and fighting for my right to call you an asshole Maybe I still have time to announce my candidacy. I’ve got the cargo shorts, T-shirts and flip-flops packed up and ready to go. I will not be drunk. Amphetamines, however, are not out of the question. I won’t know what the hell I’m doing either, but at least you’ll know, if you’ve read any of my blog at all, I won’t feed you any bullshit. And when I walk on stage there’s going to be an inflatable pig flying around and lasers and shit. Saw that at a Pink Floyd concert. Who the hell wouldn’t vote for that?! Elect Eric for President in 2012, BITCHES! ——————————————————- Facebook post of the day: