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Sep 09 2014

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Three rights do not a left make

I NEED this!!

I NEED this!!

Had a bit of a busy day yesterday.  Well, busy and kind of long.  Had several appointments at the VA and that pretty much shot the afternoon, but I’m not here to talk about my psychological issues today.

Or maybe I am, depends on how you look at it.

I’m going to talk about driving.

Because we all think we are the only one on the road that knows how to and therefore the reason God gave us a middle finger.

I live just off of Hwy 60 just outside of Tampa.  Hwy 60 is one of those “main routes” that isn’t a major highway, but it does run 167 miles starting in Clearwater Beach on the West Coast of Florida and ends at the A1A on the East Coast Barrier Islands of Florida, changing street names approximately 17 times as it does so.  6 of those street name changes occur in Tampa.  As it runs through Tampa and the surrounding area, it is the hub of pretty much everything.  There is not a store, restaurant, fast food establishment, office of some sort that you can’t find on Hwy 60.  Probably multiple instances of each.

Except White Castle.  All that shit on one road and the fuckers can’t get me a dinky little White Castle.  Bastards.

It is one of those roads that varies from 8 lanes to 4 lanes, with the 8 lane sections reducing in size with outside lanes that turn into “turn only” lanes without warning, or there is a warning, it is just way too damn late for you to get out of it.

It’s one of those roads that when it’s crowded (always), you get stuck behind the guy that is going to go 10 mph below the speed limit and ride his brakes for three miles.  Until you finally manage to get over to the lane beside him and end up side by side with him at the next traffic light thinking you can get back over into that lane once the light turns green.  Which doesn’t happen because then all of a sudden the guy wants to go 90 mph and race you to the next light.

Enter middle finger.

Well yesterday I headed down 60 to go to my appointments, and while en route I made a stop at Walgreen’s to get cigarettes because it is the cheapest place around to get them.  I do this on my way OUT for a reason, which you will understand in a few minutes.

For those of you non-smoking advocates that are about to berate me for smoking, just stop.  I quit drinking.  One shitty habit at a time please.

. . . and let’s pause for a moment to appreciate the irony that an establishment that is based on helping me make my life healthier is the BEST place for me to buy cigarettes.

That sink in yet?  Ok then.

[Side note:  For those of you in the UK and other left-side driving countries will have to imagine the rest of this post backward.]

I live to the East of Walgreen’s and have to go West on 60 to get to I-75 which will take me to the VA.  Conveniently enough, Walgreen’s is on the Westbound side of 60, so easy enough to get in.  Getting out, no matter which direction on 60 you have to go is either a) a suicide mission at best or b) a lesson in futility.

The intersection in question . . . and thanks to the douche in the truck that pulled in just as I took that picture nearly blocking the Walgreen's sign.  You're looking West in this picture.

The intersection in question . . . and thanks to the douche in the truck that pulled in just as I took that picture nearly blocking the Walgreen’s sign. You’re looking West in this picture.

So to continue going West, I can just pull out of the Walgreen’s parking lot and turn right.  Only slightly less suicidal than having to go East, because that requires crossing three lanes of traffic to get into the left turn lane to make a U-turn at the light in a very short amount of time.

or . . .

I can go out the back of the Walgreen’s parking lot and get on that road that leads to the light, which (one would assume) is the safer, less suicidal way to do it.

It was not to be.

Because I came face to face with this:

I could probably just take them out.  The giant Texsucks bugs still splattered on the front of my car would protect the paint.

I could probably just take them out. The giant Texsucks bugs still splattered on the front of my car would protect the paint.

As my son would call them, “The giant plastic bowling pins of Justice”.

The light that I would like to access is, of course, to the left.  But they are not shitting around about no left turn here, because when you turn right onto this road (and as I did, assume you’re going to U-turn around the giant plastic bowling pins of Justice) you are met with the great over-compensation of a lifetime.

They ain't kidding.

They ain’t kidding.

Here’s a better shot of the yellow signs (they say the same thing).

The one further away is a community dumpster sight, so maybe if I just brought a bag of trash from the house . . . .

The one further away is a community dumpster sight, so maybe if I just brought a bag of trash from the house . . . .

. . . and there is no sign there, but the people in the neighborhood way down the street that you can’t see, will probably have one of these signs in their cul-de-sac any day now.

So here is the overview (and this map assumes I need to go home):

themap

The end result being, that if I want to access 60 coming from the back of Walgreen’s no matter which direction I want to go, it is apparently VERBOTEN!!

My natural curiosity (read: intolerance for the stupid) led me to ask Liz, who has lived here for 10+ years, what the incident was that summoned the giant plastic bowling pins of Justice.

Her response was simply, “Because there was a people running into each other problem.”

My response, “Well doesn’t that happen EVERYWHERE?” was met with just laughter.

Seriously, if “people running into each other” while taking a left is a problem in this particular place, we can pretty much use the same logic to outlaw left turns PERIOD.  Everywhere.  For fucks sake, if you can’t make a left without hitting someone, you having a drivers license should seriously be reconsidered.

So what did we learn here today?

  1. Tampa does not have enough confidence in its own drivers to allow them to make a left.
  2. When Tampa doesn’t want you to make a left, by God they MEAN it!
  3. If you smoke, buy your cigarettes at Walgreen’s.
  4. Tampa needs a goddamn White Castle!
  5. If you’re in Tampa and need anything (except White Castle) just find Hwy 60.
  6. I need a hobby.

Welcome to my entirely fucked up head.  Now you know why my trips to the VA Mental Health department are so frequent and my medication is such a challenge.

So in writing this post, I am following my therapists advice . . . I BREATHED first . . . and I just “let it go”.

All over you, so thanks for that.

——————————————————————————————————-

Today’s “Post of the Day” (because I’m no longer going to limit it to Facebook) actually comes from my email:

Remember the TwitterDouche from my post the other day about having a “Twitter hater”?

Well someone favorited one of his “insults” he threw at me.  That someone was him.

Well I guess SOMEONE has to like his bullshit.

Well I guess SOMEONE has to like his bullshit.

Permanent link to this article: http://www.opticynicism.com/2014/09/three-rights-left-make/

17 comments

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  1. Cassandra

    It is quite safe to say were I in your driving situation, I would lose my mind.
    Cassandra recently posted…Perils of a Liberal Male: The Jennifer Lawence EditionMy Profile

    1. opticynicism

      Fortunately, I lost mine a long time ago so it was already out of the equation.
      opticynicism recently posted…Three rights do not a left makeMy Profile

  2. qwertygirl

    I have found a LOT of places where the “back exit” to a service road out of places like Target and Costco is designed and signed in such a way to forbid you making your life easy and not have to turn left across three lanes of 60 m.p.h. traffic. WTF? Sure, people can hit each other turning left in those circumstances, but wouldn’t it be LESS catastrophic to have them hit each other at, say, 30 m.p.h. than at 60?

    Also, your hater appears to have a plastic bag on his head, so that, combined with his inability to spell out “you’re” and “your” and “because,” would ensure that I took him VERY seriously indeed.

    1. opticynicism

      I don’t get it either. I mean, they claim there is a shortage of patrol officers in the area, so maybe they want to reduce the number of calls they have to go on, which I call bullshit on because I never failed to pass at least 9 cops in the one mile drive to the grocery store when my tags were expired.

      And dude is wearing a baseball cap, which we all know is part of the pedophile, windowless van driving profile.
      opticynicism recently posted…Three rights do not a left makeMy Profile

  3. Spoken Like A True Nut

    “Plastic bowling pins of Justice” just made driving around my city a million times more awesome.
    Spoken Like A True Nut recently posted…You remind me of my Pap smear.My Profile

    1. opticynicism

      My son will be glad to know how much awesome he put into your drive! lol
      opticynicism recently posted…Three rights do not a left makeMy Profile

  4. Smargie

    First off, thank you for the excellent visuals. I would never have been able to follow along with this post without them. I wonder if @bastardogeo was the yahoo who all but blocked the Walgreen’s sign, though, ’cause I’m paranoid like that.

    Secondly, I think your meds are actually working better than mine. If I were in that situation and was having a bad day I probably would have chosen the suicide option. So, there’s that.

    And, lastly, it looks like @bastardogeo might need a medication adjustment himself, based on his bio. Well, on second thought–and I am a former mental health professional, so I’m always right about these things (according to me, anyway)–I think he’s suffering from a personality disorder and unfortunately those can’t be treated with meds. It might be quite entertaining (for us) if we all ganged up on him and got him even MORE confused about who he is, though. Who’s in?

    P.S. If our paths cross today, I’m going by “She who will not be named.”

    1. opticynicism

      I’ll always use visuals. My background writing that I actually got paid for (read: not very much), was instructional guides, so visuals is more of a habit for me than just something I decide to do to be nice to the people in the UK who don’t experience as much left turn hassle as we do.

      @bastardogeo can get his own meds. I have a hard enough time getting my own.
      opticynicism recently posted…Three rights do not a left makeMy Profile

  5. Bon

    Having driven in Florida a grand total of exactly three times (Fort Pierce, REPRESENT!), I can say with certainty that the entire state road system is made of FUBAR. I am an expert, yo.

    Is the street completely unavailable for travel in the other direction? I would have totally used the parking lot where the red car is to turn around. Like, pulled in next to it and acted out a tiny scene.

    ME: *pulls into parking lot* *looks at building with dismayed face* *pulls back out and goes the other way*

    The whole time, I’d be rehearsing the dialogue in my mind of what I’d say to the cops if I got pulled over. Because I am a(n anxious) rebel, man!

    😀

    On the positive side, at least your state *has* White Castle restaurants. I have to make do with shitty frozen tinyBurgers.
    Bon recently posted…Why We StayedMy Profile

    1. opticynicism

      Believe me, I have checked every available option (legal or otherwise) for making a left out of there, and no, it is not completely unavailable in the Southbound direction, you just have to be already going Southbound and not coming in from the side.

      As it turns out, there is a shortcut to my neighborhood I can take that is in the Northbound direction and I don’t even have to get on 60 at all, or go through any traffic lights, so that was a win.

      And sadly, no, there are no White Castles in Florida. According to their website, the closest establishment for me is a quick 680 mile jaunt to Murfreesboro, TN. So, shitty frozen tinyBurgers for me too.

      Thanks for reading!! I’ll be stopping by your blog as well.
      opticynicism recently posted…Three rights do not a left makeMy Profile

  6. NATurally Inappropriate

    Psst. Tampa sucks. That is all. 😀
    NATurally Inappropriate recently posted…what in the actual disgusting hell is this?My Profile

    1. opticynicism

      I’ve lived in worse places. Those stories will come up I’m sure. lol
      opticynicism recently posted…I Will Remember (Repost)My Profile

  7. The Raving Pleb

    HA! That is some serious commitment to getting your hands on some sweet, low-budget nicotine when you have to navigate an actual assault course to get it. Sounds like smoking is double dangerous in Tampa!
    The Raving Pleb recently posted…Story Time Special Edition: A Tribute to Graham JoyceMy Profile

    1. opticynicism

      Well, when you’re unemployed and money is running short, you do what you have to do.

      In other news, looks like I start working on Monday, so no more being unemployed for me! Woot!
      opticynicism recently posted…I Will Remember (Repost)My Profile

      1. The Raving Pleb

        Fantastic news. Congratulations! Where?!
        The Raving Pleb recently posted…Story Time Special Edition: A Tribute to Graham JoyceMy Profile

        1. opticynicism

          For the time being, at the VA hospital. They’ll also be helping me get some schooling and training so I can move on to bigger and better things while I’m working there.

          And Good Morning!!
          opticynicism recently posted…I Will Remember (Repost)My Profile

  8. The Raving Pleb

    Sounds like a pretty good employer, congrats again! Enjoy your last few days of freedom 🙂
    The Raving Pleb recently posted…Story Time Special Edition: A Tribute to Graham JoyceMy Profile

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