You’ve seen her mentioned here many times. She is the reigning champion of the Facebook Post of the Day. She’s been a household word at Opticynicism since her first appearance here over three years ago in the now World Famous Craigslist Posts.
Now, far later than it should have happened, I’ve put together a blog just for her. Because she’s funny, she’s sarcastic, she’s in your face and she is just as willing to laugh at herself as we are to laugh at her.
That may have sounded more wrong than I intended.
With her. We laugh WITH her.
I thought the best way to introduce her and her new blog would be with an interview. I first met her a few years ago. By a few years ago, I mean she is the little sister of my best childhood friend back before any of us were old enough to drive but acted like we were old enough to be convicted of a felony. I will not tell you how many years that is for fear of her coming down here to beat my ass.
But we both remember watching The Breakfast Club when it was new. Just sayin’.
So lemme shut up now, and give you Denise.
Do you have an actual picture of you that you would allow me to use for this post and not your comic alter-ego? (That question will not actually appear in the blog unless the answer is fucking hilarious. It does not have to be hilarious. No pressure.)
Black, white and blurred makes everyone beautiful. 🙂
I leave your last name out to protect your identity and save you from creepy internet stalkers. Is that ok or are internet stalkers what you are looking for?
I don’t like the term “stalker”, it has negative connotations. I prefer fan that loves you so much, they want to keep you in their soundproof basement so people can’t hear you screaming with joy as they shower you with affection. It’s like a fairy-tale, but with rope and a ball gag.
Where do you live and how long have you lived there? (Your exact address is not required, dependent on your answer to the previous question.)
I would give my exact GPS coordinates, but I know how stalkers like a challenge. I live in Raleigh, North Carolina in a 1600 sq ft townhouse with 3 rescue cats. Yes, I am THAT girl. I’ve lived in Raleigh since I was 5. Guess I haven’t found a good enough reason to leave.
What do you do for a living and does it allow for your sarcasm and smartassery on a daily basis?
I’m an accountant, which is the least funny, least entertaining profession…ever. My debits and credits don’t get my sense of humor. *cricket cricket* See, accounting humor is not funny.
You seem to live your life based on a code of sarcasm and smartassery. Is that a defense mechanism or would you describe it more as a highly refined character trait that you have nurtured over the years?
It started off as a defense mechanism and discovered I’m a smartass guru. But most importantly, it keeps me from pushing people into traffic.
You were married once, for like 15 minutes or something. Marriage not for you? Explain yourself!! (Please.)
Excuse me, I was in a failed marriage almost 10 years! I should have known I was making a mistake when I started hyperventilating while walking back down the isle after the ceremony. True story. Anyway, nothing went wrong, I just wasn’t in love with him like I thought. Don’t know if I’ve ever been in love. Guess I should have asked Oz for a heart instead of lifetime supply of batteries.
You’ve become somewhat of a “household name” around Opticynicism, due largely to the now world famous Craigslist posts of 2011. What do you think about that now that it has grown into a blog dedicated to you and you alone?
I think it’s hysterical. I am the least interesting person. I shouldn’t even be allowed a Facebook account. And now there’s a blog dedicated to me? This does not speak well for the future of mankind.
Did you ever actually meet anyone via the Craigslist ads or was your lesson learned through the research that went into the posts?
Sadly, I did. I was lulled into the illusion that there might actually be good available men left, but I was mistaken. But it left me with stories to tell and I was able to give younger men a spin. Turns out, not my thing.
You once inadvertently flashed an entire gas station. Do you now choose your undergarments based on the possibility of that happening again?
Nah, I don’t have anything people haven’t see before. I’ll just make sure I’m wearing my “I’m gettin’ some” underwear next time I wear a dress or skirt.
What is your biggest pet-peeve and why?
Lying. If you lie to me, we’re done.
If a TV network wanted to do a sitcom about your life, who would you pick to play you and why?
It would take 2 people to portray all that is Denise. It would be the two old guys sitting in the balcony on the Muppets. They don’t give a shit and they’re funny as hell.
Is there anything you’d like to say to the tens of people that have visited your site already? How about the future victims readers that will visit as a result of this interview?
I cannot be held responsible for your entertainment, I can only promise it will be better then getting a lobotomy. My goal is that within a year, there will be enough of you to fill a bathroom stall. I’m super excited about that.
What is the one thing that is most important to you that you would like to have advertised or stated in the sidebar of your new blog and why?
I take cash and money orders only.
Will you forget me when you become world famous?
Yes. Immediately. I’m already forgetting you. I’ll have my people call you if you want further contact. Lose my number.
What question do you wish I had asked and how would you answer it? (Totally stole that question from AbbyHasIssues . . . but it’s such a GOOD question!)
For a link to my Amazon wishlist with the following message:
Warning, some content may not be suitable for kids, people with high blood pressure or heart problems, nursing mothers, midgets, or people born between 3:11 a.m. – 5:27 a.m.
Now help her get that blog kick-started! Stop in and see her at Shit Denise Says and leave her some comments, subscribe to her blog and do NOT forget to follow her on Twitter @shit_denisesays. You will not be sorry.
Or you will, but you’ll be laughing about it.
Facebook Post of the Day comes from the fabulous @RavingPleb, who hasn’t written a new post in over a goddamn month. Great big WTF to you my Dear?!
Anyway, cheers to the next Queen of England. Or something.