Two marriages and a brief stint moving back in with my parents a few years ago have taught me a couple of very important things. One of those is for the love of everything Jesus has to do with, never move back in with your parents. Ever.
The other thing is, I am probably pretty difficult to live with.
Some of us, I believe were born to live alone. We’re not bad people, and we’re not even necessarily disgusting.
Well, most of us aren’t. I do know and have lived with a couple of people that fell into this category by anyone’s standards as I realize that “disgusting” can be relative. Sometimes one of your relatives.
Since Denise and I have spent a little bit of time together and the possibility of living together somewhere in the future could very well happen, I decided to take us on a little trip through all the excuses we may use at one of our future murder trials. So what I’m going to do is tell her, and you, why I am difficult to live with. I’ve asked her to do the same, and then we’ll see where the two worlds of self-professed loners will potentially collide.
Relax and enjoy the show. . . . [Denise’s responses will be in red. I will respond in blue.]
Since Eric decided to steal most of my topics, most of my answers to his reasons will actually be one of my reasons why I would never live with myself.
- I am a cave dweller. If I could design my own home, it would have no windows. They allow sunlight in. I don’t like sunlight and avoid it whenever possible. At night they put you and your private life on display for all the world to see. I go in my house to get away from the world, why in God’s name do I want to show the world what I’m doing while I’m in there. In some cases, the world probably doesn’t want to see it either. “Get blinds and curtains!”, you say? Fuck off. Save money, don’t have windows and then I have extra wall space to hang pornographic art.
I do not like light. At night I keep 1 and if I’m feeling crazy, 2 very dim lights on. I only use 40 watt bulbs. I can’t go out into sunlight without sunglasses on and I’ll close the shades when the sun shines into the house. I hate the sun. I hate light. If you want a brightly lit room, go into your own room, close the door and feel free to bathe yourself in light. You will NOT turn on a bunch of lights in a room that I’m in unless it’s only temporary. I will bitch and complain. until you turn it back off.
Looks like we’re gonna be ok on this one, since I’d rather stub my fucking toe than turn a light on.
- I am the homebody of all homebodies. I do not like to go out. I can cook better than just about any restaurant I can go to, the introduction of big-ass TV’s and the internet has rendered movie theaters unnecessary (and ridiculously overpriced) and NOBODY should have to see me dance. I only dance when I drink and since I don’t drink anymore, we’ve taken that off the table anyway. Give me big-ass TV, Xbox, a gaming headset and an open-ended GameStop account and you’ll have to peel me off the couch to bury me someday. You want someone to go party with, find someone else.I don’t like to go out on most nights. During the week, all I want to do is go straight home and close myself off from the world. It takes every ounce of self discipline to stop on the way home to pick up something as important as my meds. Even if I don’t have another dose for the next day, sometimes the urge to be home wins and I’ll go a day without my medication. Important medication like my thyroid meds. I don’t need a functioning thyroid, I just need to get home.
So what you’re saying here is, I’ll get to enjoy being at home with you . . . unmedicated.
- I am annoyed by other people. Not certain groups of other people. I’m not a racist. At some point or another ALL other people annoy me. You don’t even have to be talking to me. The mere presence of other people is enough to push me over the homicidal edge. The kind that begs me to ask questions like,“Must you sit there and BREATHE?!” This isn’t a constant state, but it happens more frequently than others in my past would like. I may even love you, however when this state of being occurs, then I’d prefer to love you while you are elsewhere.
There will be times that I want you to get the fuck away from me. I don’t like most people. I have a small group of people that will get me out of the house, that I actually WANT to spend time with. That being said, even though I love them all dearly, if I lived with any of them I would want them to leave me the fuck alone at times. I have to have alone time. Completely uninterrupted alone time or I will cut you. Being alone allows me to recharge. It is the ONLY way I can 100% recharge and I NEED it when I need it.
Since we’ve already discussed and agreed upon the importance of having “your room”, “my room” and “our room”, we’re already on the same page for this one.
- My obsession with a clean kitchen borders on clinical. If I have just finished cleaning the kitchen and you decide to go in there “for a snack”, I will hover and stalk and probably have skin crawlies the whole time you are in there. If you put something in the sink instead of in the dishwasher when you are done with it, I’m petitioning for that to be classified as justifiable homicide. After you are gone, I will be cleaning the kitchen again and you will probably see me lay my head on the counter to make sure I got every crumb.
I have a messy kitchen. There, the truth is out. You have told me MANY times about how much it annoys you when people leave dirty dishes in the sink rather than empty the dishwasher and put the dirty dish in. If the dishes in the dishwasher are clean and I don’t feel like unloading the dishes, I will rinse my dish and put it in the sink. This may go on for days before I get around to unloading the dishwasher. I have more important things to do. Time isn’t going to waste itself. The ass print in the sofa isn’t going to get deeper on its own. I have TV to watch, completely and totally worthless shit to look up on the Internet and people to text. Fuck the dishes. BUT, if someone else were to unload the dishwasher, I would always put my dirty dishes in. It’s the unloading that makes me want to hang myself. Loading isn’t an issue at all.
I’m totally cool with this for a couple reasons. 1) It means you won’t be in my way when I am cleaning the kitchen and 2) at least you own the fact that you hate unloading the dishwasher and just don’t want to do it. I can deal with that.
- I’m all for participating in Team-Based activities. I frequently encourage it, but let me first explain what things are NOT Team Based:
– Cooking. I am cooking. I do not need your help, you are going to be in my way and should you decide to give me a “suggestion” while I’m cooking you are going to get shived.
– Cleaning up after cooking, or cleaning the kitchen in general. Same rules apply as the cooking one.
– Cleaning any other room in the house, especially if it’s “my room”. Get the fuck out.
– Washing the car. Just no. It’s going to take me 5 hours without you in my way.
I do not cook. I never learned and I have no desire to learn. I HAVE cooked a few times and hated every second of it. And I may or may not have caught an oven mit on fire. I use my stove for storage. I lived in my townhouse for 2 years before the stovetop was ever used. And that’s only because I hosted Christmas this year and someone else used it. So no, I will not cook for you, but I will be more then happy to microwave something for you.I can be messy. Not dirty, but messy. I have two messy places in my house, the spot on the kitchen counter I dump shit I don’t want to deal with yet and my nightstand where I dump shit I don’t want to deal with yet. I love a clean house. It makes me very very happy, but I HATE cleaning. I have more important things to do, like nap and order stuff from Amazon.
That’s cool. I’ll clean. Meanwhile . . . my Amazon wishlist will be in your email in a few minutes.
- I’m cold natured. I will keep the house at 65 degrees year round and be wearing shorts and a T-shirt (assuming I am dressed at all *see Number 1*) If you make the house hot, I will not be dressed and I don’t give a damn who is there so I don’t recommend you turn the thermostat up and invite your mother over. If the windows (which we shouldn’t have) aren’t sweating in the summer time, it’s not cold enough in there.
In the winter I keep the thermostat at 68. I like a cool house. I will be wearing sexy ass long baggy exercise pants (I find workout clothes are the most comfortable to wear while sitting on my ass.), a long sleeve shirt, a sweatshirt, knee socks and snow boots. I would rather spend the money on my summer power bill when I keep the thermostat at 69-70. I live in the south. It gets HOT and humid. I will step out of the shower and immediately start sweating. I HAAAAAATE HATE HATE HATE being hot. If you don’t want to live in a walk-in fridge in the summer, go fuck yourself
.I’ve often had my domicile referred to as a “Meat locker” in the summer time, so this is a good thing.
- I can play on the Xbox for HOURS. From the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep. I am a completionist. I have a goal in mind when I’m playing a game and I intend to reach it. Whether it is collect all the collectables, finish a story line, upgrade whatever it is that needs upgrading, I intend to reach that goal and God help whoever breaks my stride while I’m trying to do it. I have even cursed having started my own blog becauseDammit, hookers in San Andreas do not just kill themselves!! Gaming is my hobby and it relaxes me and I enjoy doing it and I am a total geek about it. I will talk about graphics and storylines and all manner of gaming shit. I have been known to pre-schedule a day off from work to attend a midnight release (GTA-V) and spend the following 24 hours playing it. I don’t have much in the way of hobbies, but I have that one. Look at it this way, it’s not drinking and I’m not raping and pillaging. Unless the game I’m playing requires it.
Saturday is Tim and Denise day. No, you are not invited. Sunday is stay in jammies all day and watch TV day. No, I do not ever want to leave the house on Sunday. Very very rarely this will happen when I have brunch with certain friends. And no, you aren’t invited. There will be times when the significant other is invited, and there will be times they are not. This isn’t because I don’t love you or want to spend time with you, it’s because I like alone time with my friends. Nothing more
.I’m so cool with this, I might actually wear pants instead of shorts, because what “Tim and Denise Day” translates into for me is “Eric and Xbox Weekend”, because I’m counting Sunday too. In fact, should the significant other be invited out for brunch with you, please give me headway so that I can both take a stab at getting up at an hour that would still coincide with “brunch” and get myself mentally prepared for social interaction before noon on a weekend.
- I sleep with the TV on. Yeah, I know it’s not recommended and I’ve tried to stop doing it. It doesn’t work. I’ve even done the“sleep timer” thing to make the TV shut off after I go to sleep and all that accomplishes is that I wake up with the sudden onset of silence. It doesn’t have to be loud. Hell, I don’t even have to be able to discern what it is that they are saying on the show. It just needs to be on. (I reserve the right to update this issue once I pick up that damned CPAP machine that I’m supposed to start using on Tuesday.)I like to sleep in complete darkness and total silence. I do know you CAN sleep without the TV on. I listened to you snore for hours and hours and hours last weekend after the TV had timed out, so I KNOW you can sleep with the TV off. Soooooo, yeah.
I’m not taking any grief for this one because I already reserved the right to update my answer . . . also, the TV was on when I FELL asleep, so there.
- I am not a planner. I don’t plan to hang with friends for the next weekend. I don’t plan to write a blog post. Things happen when they happen and when I take a notion for them to happen. We can arrange to meet next weekend, but I make no promises that I will not be in“Number 3” mode, in which case I will cancel. No, I don’t really feel as bad as I said I did, I just don’t like humans today. Also, I’ve got 63 more treasure chests to find in Assassin’s Creed. I don’t know what I’m doing in an hour. Don’t ask me what I’m doing next weekend.If we have plans for just the two of us, I’ve gotten ready and didn’t make other plans, and you cancel at the last minute because you don’t want to stop playing your game, I will cut you. If we have plans with my friends and decide you don’t want to go at the last minute, that’s totally fine but I will go without you. If we have plans with your friends and I get ready, not make other plans and you cancel at the last minute to continue playing your game, I will cut you
.I noticed you said several times there “If we have plans”. You may have glossed over the part where I said I’m not a planner. If we have “plans”, it’s because you made them and didn’t tell me.
- I hate morning. I hate the time of day, I hate the people that thrive on it and I hate all people in general in the morning. There will be copious amounts of coffee consumed and I am entirely anti-social. Do not say “Good morning” to me because there is NO SUCH THING!! I am a vampire by nature and prefer the middle of the night and I prefer to be alone in the middle of the night. Dark and alone. That seems to be where I function the best. It’s when the best blog posts get written. It’s when the best gaming accomplishments are made. It’s when TV shows and movies get watched without interruption. It’s when the kitchen ends up being the shiniest. I know, I said I’m not a racist, but I suppose I am. I hate morning people. I don’t like sunshine coming in my windows (which I still shouldn’t have) and I certainly don’t want it shoved up my ass first thing in the morning.
I am NOT a morning person. Mornings are for quiet time. EVERY morning I get up, pee, feed the cats, chain smoke and play Angry Birds, scoop litterbox, shower, makeup and dress. If you interfere with my morning routine, I will cut you. Also, when I get home from work I have a routine. I feed the cats, scoop litterbox, put on my jammies, chain smoke and play Angry Birds. If you interfere with this routine, yeah, you will be cut.
Sounds perfect. So before massive amounts of coffee are consumed, neither of us wants anything to do with the other. It doesn’t sound dysfunctional at all. In fact, it sounds heavenly.
Because Denise had some stuff that I didn’t cover, she had a couple other things to add
- If you are ever mean to my cats, we will have a problem. They are my babies. My children. Yes,
I’m THAT girl. They will sleep with me. They will lay in my lap when I’m watching TV. There is
furniture they are allowed on whether you like it or not. They live here too and have a right to
be here. They are innocent creatures that can feel pain and have feelings. If you hurt or yell at
them, I will do the same to you. You may scold them if they are being naughty, but you will
NEVER yell or hurt them. Ever. Period.
Cats and I generally reach an agreement early on. I won’t bother them and they won’t bother me. They can sleep with you and lay on your lap and watch TV with you and frolic all over the furniture all they want. Let me make sure I’ve stated that clearly. They can sleep with YOU and lay on YOUR lap and watch TV with YOU and frolic all over the furniture that I am not currently occupying all they want. Also, I refuse to be the Discovery Channel for pets ifyaknowwhaddimean.
- I like my house to be decorated a certain way. My way. Decorating is my thing. It makes me
happy. Having everything I’ve picked out in its place makes me happy. No, I don’t want your
Lord of Thor figurine in the living room. You want pictures of your friends and family around the
house, great, but I chose the frames and where they will be placed. Did I mention it’s my thing?
I can’t stress enough how much it is my thing. And because it’s my thing, someone else’s shit
will drive me Bat….Shit…..Crazy. I don’t like it. Do whatever you want with your room. Paint
it red and green stripes and have it decorated like a Bar Mitzvah at a strip club. I don’t care.
But the rest of the house is mine to do with as I chose.
We kinda glossed over this at one point too. I am no decorator, never claimed to be and never wanted to be. When I “decorate” it means all the thumbtacks holding up the posters are the same color, so the professional shit is best left to you anyway. My needs are minimal. As long as the couch is comfortable, I don’t care what it looks like and as long as your decorating will allow me space for one big-ass TV and a spot with decent air circulation for the Xbox, that’s all I need. You can trim the edges of the TV with whatever you want as long as I can see it and beyond that, decorating is ALLLLLLLL you.
All in all, I think we matched up pretty well although I think the safest thing for us to do would be to remove all sharp, stabbing objects from the house before attempting cohabitation. We both seem to be kinda stabby.
What do you think guys and gals? What makes YOU impossible to live with? Leave us some comments.
Also, my apologies to Cassandra and Momus for sort of stealing their “Thursday Throwdown” format. We clearly suck at it and we bow to you guys as the masters.
Facebook, Twitter, Text Message of the Day is cancelled tonight . . . because the new episode of The Walking Dead is on in 8 minutes.