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Jul 16 2015

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Aluminum Foil – It’s Not Just For Hats Anymore

633673729262531831-TinfoilHatI’d apologize for that pic if I was sorry.

I’m not.

Welcome to Opticynicism if you’re new.  This is the kind of behavior you can expect from me.

For those of you that are not new, you’re used to it and you keep coming back because you expect it and you’re a glutton for punishment.

This post is going to bounce around a little bit and be kind of random.  It’s more of a “get you caught up on my weird-ass life” post, so it’ll have some random bullshit that I thought was funny and some news, both current and upcoming.

Here goes nothing.

Literally.

First, you should know why I picked the title that I did.  It wasn’t random.

Much.

I went over to Liz’s this past weekend as I often do.  (I’m moving back there again in the vicinity of Labor Day for those of you that were wondering and have followed my volatile previous few months.)  At any rate, I arrived at Liz’s to an empty house.  She was off with a couple of her friends and I stepped into a nice quiet house for a pleasant change of pace for me.

If you’ve followed me for the past year, you know that Liz’s house carries great potential for things that are frequently strange.  Lest we not forget Boy’s Kitchen, Bacon Physics, and most importantly, the Penis Cake.  This time I entered the living room to find the couch covered in aluminum foil.

Not balls of aluminum foil thrown all over the couch, or unwrapped food covers tossed willy-nilly about the sofa, no, sheets and probably the better part of a box of aluminum foil covered the couch and pillows.

IMG_1075I’ve become accustomed to coming across some strange shit at Liz’s house, and I was sure there was some kind of reason for it so I wasn’t about to move it.  It did not stop my curiosity.  I texted Liz to find out WTF the deal was with the aluminum foil.

IMG_1089

See, I told you there was a reason.

. . . and it works.

This is Bella, NOT on the couch.

This is Bella, NOT on the couch.

As for the “works for her as much as it does for the kids” comment, that comes from the fact that we discovered that if you wanted to keep her kids from eating something you wanted to save, you simply had to cover it or wrap it in aluminum foil.  This results in a phenomenon that renders food invisible to her kids, the same way it keeps the CIA from stealing your thoughts.

I reality, the aluminum foil represents “work” to her kids.  The food inside the foil cannot be identified without removing or opening the foil, which requires “effort”.  Since the food cannot be identified, there is a reasonable risk that the food inside may be undesirable to the offending offspring, creating an environment of “potential wasted effort” because that will cause them to either have to re-apply the aluminum foil thus creating the “unnecessary work” effect, OR not re-apply the aluminum foil and haphazardly place the food substance back into the refrigerator uncovered which results in either myself or Liz having a brain hemorrhage.

The solution for the offspring is to not deal with the aluminum wrapped substance at all, creating the state of “invisible”.

The concept for Bella the Dog is much simpler.

That shit is just creepy and she ain’t goin’ anywhere near it.


In other news, I was at Walgreen’s today and apparently this is a thing . . .

IMG_1088

Kill me now.


 

My quest for full time employment at the VA continues, and in the meantime I’m still scraping some cash together in the work program that I squeezed back in to with the help of the congressman.  In an effort to supplement my cash inflow, I have signed up to be a driver for Uber.  As soon as they finish my criminal background check, I can start driving.

If you are a taxi driver and are about to start berating me and listing all the reasons this is “illegal” and “unfair” and blah, blah, fuckin’ blah . . . save it.  I’ve been researching this for the last 2 weeks and I’ve seen and heard both sides of the argument, weighed the benefits, studied the pros and cons and looked at this from both sides of the argument.  When a guy like me can go from not making a goddamn dime for months to pulling in $1000 a week with a tap of an app, you’re not likely to get me to change my mind.

Also, it’s not illegal.  It’s frowned-upon and that’s different.

I also bought one of these . . .

. . . and I also figured out how to blur out faces and shit in videos.

Also, I’m thinking Opticynicism is about to get real fucking interesting.

Also, if you’re going to be calling for an Uber ride in Tampa, I might recommend that you behave.

Originally I bought this because it was recommended by the Uber driver community as it deters robbery, gives you evidence in the event of an accident, and offers proof in the event a passenger decides to accuse you of wrong-doing of a sexual harassment nature.  My car is well marked as belonging to a USMC veteran, and I have “resting bitch face” so I look angry even when I’m not anyway, I’m thinking robbery is already deterred.  I’m also broke, so that helps.  Being a male, an accusation of sexual harassment is more likely.  Even more so because it’s me.

‘Nuff said.

Also, drunk people on Friday night that need a ride are fucking hilarious and I want you folks to see it.

Also, that may become a whole website all by itself depending on how stupid people in Tampa are.

If you’ve ever been to Tampa, you know my chances are pretty damn good.


 

I think it’s appropriate to end my post with this . . .

IMG_1072

 

This is the stop sign at the exit of my local Starbucks.  It made me laugh.

Now you can laugh too.


See ya’s soon!!

 

Permanent link to this article: http://www.opticynicism.com/2015/07/aluminum-foil-its-not-just-for-hats-anymore/

4 comments

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  1. kdcol

    We tried the foil (they actually make foil blankets for this purpose) with our dog. You know, to keep the stinky bitch from smelling up the furniture. She doesn’t like the foil but she figured out a way to move it. I have one of those veggie “pasta” maker things. I was hoping I could trick my kids into eating their veggies. Hey, look kids, it’s delicious bad-for-you pasta. Umm… didn’t work. I think the Uber gig is a great idea! And the camera is a good idea too! I’m looking forward to all the crazy stories. Just try to avoid the puking drunks! 🙂
    kdcol recently posted…Surprise! It’s a new emotion!My Profile

  2. Liz

    Fortunately for me my dog is so terrified of the foil, she won’t even try to remove it. Unattended food on the kitchen counter is a different story. Dinner last night was consumed by her again! This time it didn’t involve forced vomiting.

  3. Cassandra

    The foil as kid deterrent is genius. I need to start doing this immediately.
    Cassandra recently posted…Throwdown Thursday: See Something Say Something?My Profile

  4. Snarkfest

    I cannot WAIT to see the dash cam of your UBER-fun, Eric!! Seriously. I hope you make a ton of cash and get some good blog material along the way!
    Snarkfest recently posted…I’ve got a great face for radio…My Profile

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