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May 12 2016

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I’m running for President again

It’s been just over 4 months since I’ve posted.  Doesn’t come anywhere close to my record of 4 years between posts, but a long time nonetheless.  I’m still trying to decide if it is lack of motivation, lack of interest or lack of anything I deem as interesting to say.  I’m sure it’s a combination of all three, but one thing that it is NOT is me having gone off the deep end . . . again.

I am still clean and sober (and that’s been for over a year now).  I still work for peanuts and live paycheck to paycheck and sometimes not even that well, and if it weren’t for Liz’s generosity, I’d be living on the street.

. . . but I’m sober, and I’m ok.

I’m still fighting to find a decent job that I can actually live off of on my own.  It’s a fight that still seems futile at times.  Occasionally I see a light at the end of the tunnel but I have become accustomed to walking against the wall of the tunnel because of the frequency with which it is a train.  I’m still holding out hope that one of these days that novel that I have trapped in my head somewhere is going to actually find its way to an actual page and make me the tens of dollars I need to support myself.

Maybe someday I’ll even find out what it’s about.

I’m not doing the Uber thing anymore, and not because I didn’t enjoy it.  I didn’t, but that is beside the point.  Fact is, they just dropped the rates so low that it is impossible to make any money at it.  Sure, you’ll still find drivers that say they make gobs of money every week doing it, but those are the drivers that haven’t sat down and figured out their expenses and vehicle wear and tear yet.  Boy, are they going to be disappointed when they figure that out.

Now I’m working with a company that delivers cars for Enterprise, car dealerships, etc.  Still a lot of driving, but I spend most of my time alone (as I should be) and I’m not using my own gas.  I also drive primarily brand new cars and some damn nice ones at that.  Cars, that at this time in my life, I can only dream of affording.

I spend quite a bit of that time thinking about what I should be here writing about, and what makes me sad is that in the past 4 months, I haven’t come up with anything good.  I listen to the radio and I just hear about the incredible amount of bullshit going on in the world around me.  I thank God for my antidepressants and wonder when I’m going to have to ask for them to be stronger.

It’s an election year and I labor over which I’m going to vote for, cancer, syphilis, or execution by firing squad, because those seem to be the only choices we are being given.  A few years ago, I even offered myself up as a Presidential candidate but everyone thought it was a joke and we all laughed about it.

 

Who's laughin' now?

Who’s laughin’ now?

So I’ve decided to solve several problems at once and offer myself up for election again.  I’ve been looking for a decent job, and hell, if we’re worried about skeletons in the closet, I’ve posted most of them right here anyway.

Yes, I inhaled and yes, I had sex with that woman.  Also, I don’t remember the better part of the late 80’s and early 90’s, so there is that as well.

I am hereby offering myself as your favorite write-in vote for President of the United States and announce my new campaign slogan:

I GIVE NO FUCKS!!

Do you have a penis and wish you had a vagina?  Do you have a vagina and wish you had a penis?  Do you have to go to the bathroom?  – As long as you don’t piss on the floor, I don’t give a fuck where you choose to go to the bathroom!

Did a police officer order you to stop and you did not stop?  You get SHOT, I don’t give a fuck what color you are!

Did you enter someone’s home without their permission and get yourself shot?  Then you committed a crime and you are stupid and I hope it killed you.  I don’t give a fuck what kind of neighborhood you grew up in, breaking and entering being a crime HAS NOT BEEN KEPT A SECRET FROM YOU!!

Do you live in another country and want to become a US Citizen?  I’m all for it and we welcome you and after you learn English and become ready to pay taxes like every other citizen in the US, we’ll let you in, not before.  I don’t give a fuck what country you’re coming from.

Do you believe in changing the laws to fit your religious beliefs?  Then you will go to a country in which that is acceptable practice.  We (supposedly) separate church and state in the US.  I don’t give a fuck if that is how they did it in your country.  If things were so good in your country, why did you leave?

Do you think you should get $15 an hour to work at McDonald’s?  I’ll tell you what we’ll do; if you can write me a 1500 word essay on why you should get $15 an hour working at McDonald’s that has no misspelled words or grammatical errors in it, then you can get paid $15 an hour to work at McDonald’s.  I don’t give a fuck what you think you deserve just for showing up to work.

The income of professional athletes will be taxed at a rate of 90%, no exceptions.  This money will go directly into the military payroll and be distributed equally among all military service men and women.  I don’t give a fuck that you made it to the Super Bowl, give me a shout when you’re overseas dodging bullets.

Common Core math is to be eliminated.  8+5 = 13, 8+5 does NOT equal 10 and then add 3 later because the extra 3 was in the way and you only needed the 10.  “ish” is not a math term.  We don’t add 10+12 to get 20ish.  This isn’t math, it’s fucking witchcraft and it is lazy as hell.  If I hit you 8 times with a bat and 5 times with a brick, the medical examiner will not document that you were struck 10ish times, I don’t give a fuck when you lost consciousness.  George Orwell did not invent math, he wrote fiction.

This teacher should be beaten with a brick.

This teacher should be beaten with a brick.

Yes, you will take a drug test on a regular basis to qualify for Food Stamp and Welfare benefits and you will have to pass it with flying colors.  I don’t give a fuck if you think it will be too expensive.  I’m willing to bet the money saved on NOT giving benefits to people spending it on their local street corner will make it pay for itself.  Go ahead and bitch.  The only ones that will complain are the ones that know they wont pass.

All of congress, senate, house of representatives and supreme court justices are fired.  I don’t give a fuck how long you’ve been there or what ‘great things” you think you have done.  You’re all gone and a whole new set of people are to be elected.  No one over the age of 40 is permitted to run.

I know there is much, much more that needs to be covered, but I think that is good enough to start a platform.  Are there any other issues you want me to tackle?  Put ’em in the comments below.  Let’s show the world in 2016 that America doesn’t Give a Fuck!

Permanent link to this article: http://www.opticynicism.com/2016/05/2905/

2 comments

  1. Liz

    I, for one, would vote for you. And I can’t be happier that you’ve remained sober for a year. I’m sure it hasn’t always been easy, but you did it and I’m proud of you.

    Just so everyone knows……I’m grateful to have you as a friend and roommate. With the extensive travel required for my job, I couldn’t do it without you. The help alone you give me with Matt is invaluable. Your bullshit meter is spot on. I know I don’t have to stress over him making another stupid mistake and he respects you. It helps buffer the problems with his father. Bella would have had to find a new home because I wouldn’t have been able to afford boarding for her. It also wouldn’t be fair to keep her locked up in a boarding facility as much as I’m gone. I know she’s a pain, but she’s sweet and stupid and makes for good stories (remember the penis cake?). My house is looked over when I’m gone and there’s no fear of someone breaking in. There’s also the minor repairs and a clean kitchen. This is all done without asking. I merely let you know when I need to be out of town and you pick up the pieces for me. So I thank you from the bottom of my heart and will always be here to support you.

  2. Teri

    I’m extremely proud of you for remaining sober! You are a ROCK STAR!!

    I will gladly vote for my high school friend Eric for President!! I can’t stand Hillary the liar and Trump is on my last damn nerve with his arrogant ass. He reminds me of my asshole brother. We are screwed!! We have been screwed for the past 8 years and will be for the next 4. I agree with all of your points above. ERIC FOR PRESIDENT!! Hugs and love my friend!

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