Yep, that’s right kids. I started a blog.
It’s something several of my friends have asked me to do, and something I’ve thought about doing for a few years now, but just never got around to it. Life has a tendency of getting in the way . . . of itself. So I finally dove in and told one of my friends about it in this riveting Facebook chat we had last night:
me: “I’m finally putting together a blog”.
her: “What’s it gonna be about”?
me: “What do you mean, what’s it gonna be about? It’s a blog”.
her: “Is it gonna be about travel or cooking or video games or what”?
me: “It’s a blog. It’s about everything. It’s about nothing. It’s about life”.
her: “So what are you gonna say about life”?
me: “I guess that would depend on the day”.
her: “So what would you say about today”?
me: “That this is the most pain-in-the-ass conversation I’ve had in quite some time”.
With that out of the way, I then spent the next hour and a half staring at the WordPress sign up screen trying to come up with a name. My inability to make a decision in a hurry didn’t make this easy, nor was the fact that “Ice Loves Coco” was on the TV in the background because everything I came up with had the word “boobies” in it. Then it begged me to ask myself why in the hell “Ice Loves Coco” was on the TV in the background. Answer: Remote was over *there* and I wasn’t getting up. (Visualize remote on opposite end of couch from me, which didn’t require actually getting up, just leaning over and I wasn’t doing that either.)
At this point I was feeling rather cynical about the whole thing and then light bulb number 1 came on. So then I had a conversation with myself:
me: “Self, you should use this somehow”.
me: “Don’t be an idiot. ‘Cynical Boobies’ makes absolutely no sense whatsoever”.
me: “Will you get off your lazy ass and change the channel for cryin’ out loud”!
me: “Fine, but I’m not always cynical. I do have an optimistic fiber or two in me”.
me: “Well, while ‘Optimistic Boobies’ does sound a little friendlier, it still makes absolutely no sense”.
me: “I thought we were ditching the ‘boobies'”?
me: “Never, but for this situation, yes”.
Then, light bulb number 2 came on. Life is good and bad and I have days that reflect both. I needed a word that would express both. I couldn’t think of one that actually existed so I got all George Orwell and made “Opticynicism”. It’s got good and bad, light and dark, yin and yan, and it doesn’t say ‘boobies’. Filled with win. The you-crossed-the-finish-line-first kind of win, not the Charlie Sheen kind of win. So now you’re going to have to add that shit to your spell check so it doesn’t try to auto-correct to ‘Ophthalmologist’ or ‘Hamster Necrophilia’ or whatever other iAbsurdity your auto-correct comes up with. (Warning: Opening that link at work will render any semblance of productivity you had as useless.)
At this point it was 2:00 in the morning, hadn’t even considered sleep yet and I had just spent two-and-a-half hours creating nothing more than what would be the name of my blog. After that, the tagline kind of wrote itself in this much shorter, much simpler conversation I had with another friend. A male, less pain-in-the-assy friend:
me: “I got it! ‘Opticynicism'”!
him: “Dude, that’s awesome! Use it”!
me: “My brilliance is exceeded only by my chronic insomnia”.
And so it was, or is. And here you are. Both of you. Tell your friends. Tell people you don’t like. Write the URL in the crud on the back of your nasty-ass minivan. Don’t care how you do it, but spread the word and I’ll do my best to bring the funny on a regular basis. Tell them just how addicted they will become to this blog. They will have it open in a tab at their office, hidden under the screensaver on their computer at home and they will rear-end a Prius while reading it on their phone on the way home.
Don’t sweat the Prius. That bastard was asking for it.
The author of this blog assumes no responsibility for the Prius/dog/small child or any damn thing else you hit as a result of reading it in the car. I’m not paying your ticket either.
Go ahead and try.
Turnip = Blood(Not)