Jul 28 2011

Steal this blog post! I did.

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Ok, so I only kind of stole it.  I mean, it’s HALF mine.

Since I started doing this blogging thing, I have scoured I have no friggin’ idea how many blogs looking to others for ideas and techniques and tips and really, a whole hell of a lot of entertainment.  I have read posts that caused me to laugh until I cried and I’ve read others that just damn near made me cry.  There is SO much good material out there that I’m a bit overwhelmed as to how I’ll ever manage to make my tiny little glimmer of light shine enough to even think about standing out in this crowd of incredibly intelligent, incredibly funny and incredibly touching people.

It’s no secret that I’ve got a couple of favorites that I check each and every day, even when they don’t post every day because I love to go and read what their readers comment about.  This helps me as much as the bloggers themselves do because you can see exactly what people respond to.  If they are listed over there on the right under “Bring the Funneh!”, you can bet I click on them every day to see what they are up to.

I’ve also searched for blogs about, well, writing blogs.  In my searches I came across The Daily Blog to help me find new ways of coming up with topics, and for the most part what I found was just a series of questions.  I suppose with some thought I could come up with an entire blog to answer most of those questions, but when you string them all together, it looked more like a really fucking bizarre interview from ADD hell.

Right up my alley!!

So here, I’ve interviewed myself using some of the questions I found there that were meant to be used to spark my imagination into a post.  All I’ve got to say is, it worked.  I came up with one big, twisted post.

(My blogger disclaimer:  Please do not allow this post to minimize the value of these questions or the intent with which they were asked.  The Daily Blog is a valuable tool to any blogger whether they are just starting out or have been doing it for years and I recommend it to all of you.  Also, I wouldn’t have to make a disclaimer if I wasn’t such an asshole.  I’m just sayin’.)

Questions from The Daily Blog will be in bold . . .

Whats the longest you’ve been without sleep?

I will let you know when this stretch has ended.  It started in 1985.

What can’t you say no to?

The question, “Have you ever been arrested”.

You’ve got a magic tree: what does it grow?

Whatever the hell I tell it to.

When is it better to be sorry than safe?

When you fall in love.  Take risks, dare to dream.  Safe people are lonely people.

If you could read minds for a day, would you?

That depends on if I get know who I’m going to be spending the day with.

What are your favorite slang words?

Douche canoe and Twatwaffle.  (Thank you Jenny and Noa!)

What’s your hidden talent?

I can melt butter with my mind!

When was your last random act of kindness?

Just yesterday, I did not sideswipe this bitch into a ditch until she died.

What keeps you up at night?

Insomnia, DUH!!  You must be new here.

If you could have anything to eat right now, what would it be?

I refuse to answer that question at this time on the grounds that I am a dirty fucking pervert.

What part of life confuses you the most?

Stuff that doesn’t make any sense, and stupid people.

What would you tell yourself 10 years ago?

Divorce that evil bitch!

Share one thing that you learned

That I really should have been there to protect myself 10 years ago.

Would you rather be super intelligent or extremely good looking?

Well, if I really have to give one of them up . . .

What is your favorite word?

Fucktard.  That or asshat.  Tough call.

What’s something you never believed until you experienced it?

I never believed that divorce could hurt as bad as a death in the family.  I’d have to say it’s worse.  Death would have been easier.  Hers.

Could you live without the internet?

Until I was in my mid 20’s, there was no internet, so apparently, yes.

Write a story from your neighbor’s perspective.

I sure wish that asshole would move.  The end.

When teleportation is finally possible, where will you beam yourself first?

Across the room to my lovely wife because I’ll be like 200 years old and too fucking weak to walk there.

If stranded on a desert island, and could only bring one music album with you, which would it be?

The one that motherfucking floats and can support my body weight!

Does everything happen for a reason?

Yes.  Everybody’s got to be a damn instigator!

How long does it take to write a post?

It depends, a raging vent, less than an hour.  Something requiring me to go back in my memories, scan old photos, talk to old friends, it can take a couple of days.

Do you prefer to talk or text?

Depends on who I am communicating with, but I usually prefer to talk.

What non-exercise activity do you wish would keep you fit?

If I could keep in shape by writing this blog I would be one six-pack-havin’ mofo!

If you could script tonights dream, what would would the plot be?

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah . . . so not going into that here.

Who is the last person you’d want to be stuck in an elevator with?

My father!

When did you realize you were an adult?

I’ll let you know when it happens.

An out of control train is about to run over a pile of happy puppies. You are standing at the control switch and can pull the level to direct the train onto a different track, saving their lives. But that other track has a smaller pile of equally happy puppies on it.

What sick fuck came up with this question?!

If you could go invisible for a day, what would you do?

Hang out in her dressing room.

If you had to debate a younger version of yourself, who would win?

I do it daily with my 16 year old, so I would.

Do you think Donald Trump would make a good U.S. president?

Donald Trump doesn’t even make a good Donald Trump.

If your house were on fire, what would you grab first?

Pants. (Yeah, that’s right!  Get that mental image out of your head!  HA!)

If you started a music band, what would the name be?

A Chick Named Steve

How do you decide who to be friends with?

By whether or not they make me want to stab them.

Do you think global warming is real?

Spend ONE fucking winter in Michigan and then come tell me global warming is real!

Would you ever consider running for president?

Consider it, just yesterday, I suggested it.

Do you think people should have the right to commit suicide?

Anybody that wants to, will, no matter what you do.  Like it or not, they have the right and there is nothing we can do about it.

Do you believe in life on other planets?

More importantly, does the life on other planets believe in us?  I’m here and sometimes I barely do.

What’s the stupidest thing you’ve heard this week?

That whole thing with the trains and the puppies . . . I mean, come on!

What’s the smartest thing you’ve heard this week?

My 6 year old nephew to my 2 year old nephew, when the 2 year old said “Wassat?” when pointing at one of his toys:  “That’s Space Police Technology.”

If you knew you were going to die in 20 days, what would change?

My attitude toward murder.

If you knew you were going to live forever, what would change?

The price of cigarettes.

Describe the first person who broke your heart.

Her name was Liz Mosquito and I spent all my time trying to be near her and she was very sweet to me and held my hand when we walked together.  When I tried to kiss her, she said no because she already had a boyfriend.

I was 5 and we were in kindergarten.

Why is it so hard to forgive?

Because stabbing is illegal.

When you get mad, what calms you down?

Valium and running.  Not at the same time.

When was the last time you changed your mind?

About 3 seconds ago when I answered that last question.

Do you think you’d make a good president?

Really couldn’t fuck things up much worse, now could I?

What’s the longest grudge you’ve ever held?

Ask me when I’m dead.

Why do some people’s dreams get realized, and others don’t?

Dreams are realized or they aren’t, based on the strength and determination of the one seeking them.  If you don’t reach for it, you won’t get it because you don’t deserve to.

If you started your own nation, what would be in your constitution?

It would start with:

This is our Constitution.  You are afforded the rights listed below.  You live here because this list looked acceptable to you.  If it doesn’t look acceptable to you, feel free to leave for someplace with a better Constitution, however, by continuing to live here and enjoying the freedoms we provide while BITCHING about our Constitution will be legal grounds to have you publicly humiliated and tortured before exiling you to someplace so horrific you’d rather we killed you.

My political statement for the day.  You don’t like it here, assholes, move to Iraq.

If you could own one thing you don’t currently have, what would it be?

An iPad.  Oh God please someone send me an iPad!  I will love you forever!

How do you know where your boundaries are?

There are no boundries.  Everything is possible.

If you had a third arm, where would you put it?

In my pants.  Then you could all just wonder what the hell I was grinning about.

Do you believe machines will be smarter than humans?

Given some of the people I’ve met, we’ve crossed that line already.

When is it acceptable to kill things?

When I’m hungry or they threaten my life.  Or they drive with their goddamn foot out the window.

Can a camera truly capture a moment in time?

If it doesn’t, it is broken.

Literary Tattoos: Crazy or Cool?

I suppose it would depend on the book and who it was written on.  War and Peace written on a fat, sweaty guy . . . I’ll wait for the movie.

What would it take to get you to move?

A decent job offer and the mere suggestion.  I don’t feel that attached to anywhere at the moment.

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There were some really deep questions in there that I know I could have expanded on for quite a few words, but I thought the short answer interview method for these was a lot more fun.  How would you answer those questions?  Any questions you would want to ask me that weren’t in there?  Please leave a comment.  Or a gripe.  I love gripes.  They make me bitchy and say things that make other people laugh while I look for my shiv.

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Permanent link to this article: https://www.opticynicism.com/2011/07/steal-this-blog-post-i-did/

8 comments

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  1. Hilarious post! Thanks for the laughs !

    Greetings from California.

    1. Thank you for stopping by! Always good to hear that California hasn’t fallen off yet. Please check out the rest of my blog and feel free to share it! I mean you don’t have to if you don’t want to, but it would be nice and I’d appreciate it and . . . . ok, I’ll stop begging now.

  2. LOL ! !

    I f you put it that way, I will ! ! LOL That;s funny! !

  3. Another great post Eric. On the 3rd arm question I would just ask for another arm in the same location as the first because the original is already down there.

      • plong76 on July 29, 2011 at 12:53 pm
      • Reply

      Maybe she can TP that person from high school that she didn’t like.

    • Teri B on July 30, 2011 at 9:08 am
    • Reply

    Love the new look of the blog! I am playing catch up on your post as I have been very busy with the kids and possible move to TX!! Oh and I am still laughing. You never cease to amaze me. I had no clue in high school that you were this damn funny! OK…moving on to the more recent blog post.

    1. I wasn’t funny in high school, I was a nerd and the cool people picked on me. Then one day in the lab, I was bit by a spider and I felt weird and I looked around and said “What the hell am I doing in a lab because I’m not a scientist and DAMN you spider!” and then I smashed that motherfucker. It has nothing to do with how I became funny, just thought I’d throw that in there.

      Oh, and I think all your new neighbors in Texas should come over to admire your Eric for President mugs. I’m just sayin’.

    • Deb on July 30, 2011 at 11:46 am
    • Reply

    10 years ago, your first ex-wife would have given you the same advice about your second ex-wife. 😛 You just wouldn’t have listened.

    And I’m honored I’m not the person you’d least like to be stuck in an elevator with! LOL!

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