A post like yesterday’s obviously wouldn’t be complete without a follow-up, so in case you missed it, you may want to go back and check it out before you get into this one.
While my own attempt at the CPSE (Craigslist Personals Social Experiment) has thus far failed due to a seemingly random screening policy, my friend D’s attempt brought us more than we could have hoped for. There was so much to work with, in fact, that I’ve had to strip it down to the top 10 responses in the interest of length.
To begin with, D decided to take the minimalist approach to her personal ad. With the headline: “Am I really posting an ad on CL? – 39”, the content of her ad only consisted of 4 more words.
Single, white, 5’4′, brown hair, blue eyes, curvy girl looking to meet someone.
It is to the point and completely true . . . if she’s wearing 3.5″ heels. She and I will agree to disagree on this if we must, but she is not “fat” either. When she references herself as “curvy”, I can only believe she means her “girls”. I should also add that D is the only female friend of mine that expressed disappointment that I didn’t manage to work the word “boobies” into the title of my blog. Read here if you missed that reference. At any rate, I stand by yesterdays assessment of her as absolutely beautiful, smart and funny as hell. With that, let me share with you what fine examples of male super-stardom she has to chose from. If you are a guy like me, prepare to feel much better about yourself. Her reaction to these ads will be italicized below each one.
[Legal-type Disclaimer: I have gone out of my way to remove all ways of identifying these poor slobs, which is kind of sad because some of it makes these ads even worse. Even more sad, I can not add any of the pictures that were sent with many of these ads for fear of any of them being Anthony Weiner. I will do my best to describe the pictures without raising the level of nausea that the actual pics brought about. Names have been changed to protect the stupid.]
#10 – Kevin
Big girls are the best!
“That’s the way to woo a girl, call her fat.”
#9 – X.X.
Hope you are doing well. I like your add, I would love to
talk to you.
I have a yahoo messenger and xxxxxxxx is the ID.
Hope to hear from you.
Have a good weekend.
“He likes my ad. He likes my ad? He. Likes. My. Ad. Wonder what he liked most about it? The word “hair”? Or
maybe it was my height? (Somehow I gained 3 1/2 inches on CL. *giggle*) Or maybe the fact that I spoke English. He
must be very, very easily impressed.”
I was also impressed that that he likes her “add”. Perhaps he thought 5’4″ was her showing off her math skills.
#8 – Jay
*There was no text in this response at all. Just a webcam pic of a creepy dude with a 70’s porn star mustache*
“He looks like he drives a van with blacked out windows & has an endless supply of zip ties. Pass.”
#7 – Your’s Truly
Hi sexy, i love a curvey girl. Always time for new friends. 33swm in north raleigh, how about you?
“1st, his email address is “Your’s Truly”. No, you’re not with that attitude. 2nd, he has absolutely NO IDEA what I
look like, but he starts off by calling me “sexy”. Your’s can Truly suck it.”
#6 – M
Hey I saw your posting and thought I would see if you wanted to chat some. I have recently turned to CL myself hoping to find a female friend I could get to know. I do want you to know up front I am 33 and a married white male. I am looking for friendship with this person and see what happens. Would like to hear back if you have any interest.
“He’s MARRIED! M-a-r-r-i-e-d.”
I’m also pretty sure that even if you don’t become his mistress, he will always value the friendship, which was all he was looking for anyway. (Sarcasm font is unavailable at this time)
#5 – Nick
send me a pic, I’m looking for a mature woman
“Fuck you and your “mature” women.”
#4 – Keith
I am responding to your ad from Craigslist. Let me know if you want to meet over the week end? I am new
to the town and looking to make new Friends. I am an engineer and a decent person. I am looking for a good
person and someone who could be engaged in educated conversation and god fearing.
I drive Red Convertible Mustang. Let me know if we can have a fun ride, go for a walk or just chill or meet at a movie or restaurant.
919 xxx xxxx
C U Soon
*insert three sadly posed pictures here, yes, including the one that is used far too often …*
“…and I like to pretend I’m Captain Morgan.”
Please D, let me know how the ride in his midlife crisis goes. Since education, decency and religion aren’t going to get your attention, please allow him to appeal to your shallow, gold-digging side. I’m going to go out on another limb here and wonder if people who fear God capitalize the “G”.
#3 – Bob
hey i am a swm 39 an ddf 5’9 200 love to meet you an to git to no you an have sum fun
(Ok, I lied, I am going to include a picture, but D’s reaction just wouldn’t work as well without it. Needless to say I have cropped all identifying parts of the pic . . . well, mostly.)
“Soooo many things wrong with this response. It exhausts me just thinking about it.”
We’re down to today’s final 2, and before I get to them, let me clarify a couple things. In case you haven’t figured out, I will say just about anything, but in the case of #2’s response, even I wasn’t willing to post that here without some intense editing. (My words will be inserted in between the asterisks) The best part of that is that D’s response ended up having nothing to do with the content of the ad response. As for today’s #1 response, well, let’s just say it came in at #1 for myriad reasons.
#2 – Spiv
I really like your ad and I’m very interested I’m in Durham but I can and will travel and I know we would really enjoy eachother I can and will completely satisfy all of your sexual needs I’m into clean and sweet D&D *feline* and I know yours is that or you wouldn’t be here I want to eat your sweet *feline* and suck on your *stuff* and play with your *earlobes* and put a finger or two in your *wallet* if your into that all at the same time until you cum and cum and cum then cum a few more times I’ve also been told I’m the shit in bed and yes I AM THAT DAMN GOOD I hope that doesn’t cum across cocky of rude but I’m just being truthful ok I’m black 6’1 6’2 med to slim build open minded easy going spontaneous laid back willing to try new things and fun to be with and I’m very very discreet what goes on between you and I stays between you and I I don’t like people in my business and I don’t think you do either and I can also host most days day time only and I know when you leave me you will be smiling from ear to ear floating on clouds thinking about our next encounter so sweetheart what do you have to loose except for a few orgazums and at the same time make a new friend and if I’m not what your looking for thank you for your time and I really hope you find what your looking for and again with out sounding rude or cocky I don’t think you will find anyone that can satisfy that sweet body better than me and yes I REALLY AM THAT DAMN GOOD so give me a chance and find out what you have been missing I really hope I hear from you have a good day
“What I get out of this email? The period must be missing from his keyboard or he is too lazy to use it. And if he’s too lazy to even move his finger over to the period once in awhile, well, that finger certainly can’t satisfy me.”
He doesn’t like people in his business. Translation: He is cheating. He can host most days. Translation: I am unemployed and letting my girlfriend/wife carry the bills, therefore you can come over on the days she is at work. I’m sorry D, you and Spiv are just not grammatically compatible.
#1 – Nicholas
Before I put anything in here, I need to tell you that as of THIS word, this blog post contains 1,493 words. Pasting Nicholas’ response here would nearly DOUBLE the size of this post. Here is the math: D’s ad – 12 words, Nicholas’ response – 1,292 words. When I pointed this out to D, she said, “Holy shit. Glad I took out ‘curly’.” This response contained so much personal information it would have been nearly impossible to edit everything out in order to keep his identity private, so instead of pasting it here, I’m just going to summarize the type of information that we learned without going into the specifics.
We now know:
- Where he went to school 20 years ago
- His birthday
- Where he lives, within about a block
- He actually said “What’s up with the weather lately?”
- Women say they are interested, but after 1 email he never hears from them again
- He gets jealous easily (but not in the “rage” kind of way)
- It’d be nice if you’d get slightly jealous too
- He has 1 tattoo, 1 branding, 0 piercings and a daughter. (Yes, they were listed that way.)
- He is good friends with his baby-mama and you will be too, or you’re out
- He lives with his mom
- He has no means or even an idea how to get out on his own again
- No guests are allowed at his house, male or female
- What money he does have supports his cigarette habit (He prefers Menthol Full Flavors, by the way)
- He just got a job at a gas station and hasn’t got his first check yet, so he is broke
- He has a drivers license, but he has no car. Also, he can’t drive a stick.
- He rarely goes out and would prefer to chill at home with access to a “computer, video game or whatever”.
- He is an open book. He has no secrets. (NO SHIT!!)
- He hates fish taste, but loves sushi and sashimi.
- He would prefer someone his own age, but will go 10 years in either direction.
- He is allergic to cats. (I know, he just crushed all your dreams, didn’t he, D?)
- He would prefer a pack-a-day or less smoker.
- You must be “seriously 420 friendly”.
- He hopes you can look past his faults.
- He doesn’t have access to a digicam or webcam, so he drew a picture of his tattoo in MS Paint. (No, seriously)
His autobiography ended with 6 photos ranging from 8 years to 2 months old, including the one of his tattoo that he drew by hand with MS Paint. This is the ONE, D! There is no way you can let this one get away! Just imagine how much more you would know about him if you had been more forthcoming in your original ad.
“Dear god. He lost me at giving the location of his HIGH SCHOOL from 25 years ago. I’m surprised he didn’t start with his exit from the birth canal.”
In all sincerity, I love D more than I can tell you and I’ve known her for more than 25 years, and I believe she now knows more about Nicholas than she knows about me.
I’ll say again, this is just a taste of the responses D got and it was really difficult to just pick 10. Within 20 minutes of her posting the ad she had 15 responses. I was a little surprised at how long this took (as expressed in this text message I got): “Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner! 12th response is just one big penis photo. Subject line: lookin for this . . .”
Not to be discouraged by the bad luck I had yesterday, tomorrow (with the help of my “D is for Deviant” friend) we will make another attempt to post my ad and see what kind of results I get, but guys, it’s a safe bet we come out lookin’ pretty bad at the end of this experiment.
On behalf of the male gender, let me be the one to apologize.
(A MILLION thanks to you D! Iloveyoumeanit!)