We saw this coming, and I’m not talking about Irene


I saw it, every one of you that read my post the other day saw it, Emo-Boy cashier at the convenience store saw it . . . everyone but my father saw it.

My mother’s dance of happiness in the kitchen the other night was not in vain.  Friday morning they awoke to a wet kitchen floor and a warm refrigerator.  It could take no more and apparently was ready to give me the satisfaction of putting a final chapter on this saga.  The refrigerator was dead and it was going to stay that way this time.  Luckily it went out with some class and simply defrosted onto the floor, because my father paid no mind to the story I relayed to him from a good friend of mine who had lost an entire family of close relatives to a house fire that was ignited by a faulty refrigerator.  That wouldn’t happen to him because he’s too smart for that.

Too damn lucky is more like it.

I arrived a while later to find it standing, doorless, in it’s place.  Rags and paper towels still dotted the floor from the clean up of the aftermath.  It had been immediately unplugged and ‘ole Pops removed the doors to facilitate its impending exit from the house.

You can see why she hated it. If you can’t get a frozen pizza or a half a dozen severed heads into the freezer, it’s just useless.

The obligatory trip to Lowe’s happened and they apparently caught the same salesman from the stove fiasco just a couple weeks earlier, because this excursion didn’t take as long.  I can only imagine the guy (I found out his name was Craig) saw my father coming and immediately abandoned all of his “sales techniques” and immediately went into “let’s just get him the fuck outta here” mode.  Within an hour, my parents walked out of Lowe’s, a satisfied grin on my mother’s face.  They now only had to wait until Sunday for its delivery.  A small price to pay considering the house wasn’t going to be burning down now.

The weekend passed, and they survived by stuffing everything into the smaller refrigerator downstairs and packing what wouldn’t fit into the big blue cooler (because she knew where that shit was all along) and dumping in a bag of ice.  Nobody considered asking Pops to store anything in his small dorm fridge over in “The Cave”, because really, we know how that would have gone over, and besides that, none of us has a key.

As far as you know.

*devious grin*  Shut the hell up, all of you.  😉

Finally having “weathered Hurricane Irene” which is a horrible pun, especially considering that it amounted to nothing more for us than some stiff breezes and intermittent light showers, Sunday afternoon rolled around and the time came for the delivery.  So rather than go into several paragraphs describing the event, I planned a little better this time (I’m LISTENING to what you tell me, folks!) and I made sure I was present with my trusty phone in hand to give you a little pictorial (with commentary) walkthrough.  (Feel free to click on any image to get the larger version.)

First, let me give my sincerest respect and apologies to the brave delivery men of Lowe’s of West Jefferson, NC, because the same poor bastards that delivered the stove showed up to bring the refrigerator.  Seeing the address again would have made me quit.  For those of you that do this kind of thing for a living, these are the deliveries that make you cringe, because it defines “hovering”.  Just imagine growing up with this shit.

The arrival and unloading of the truck went as scheduled.  As the truck backed into the driveway, you could hear the moans of “Oh Goddamn it, not THIS guy again!” coming from the cab.  The men set to work as quickly as possible so as to get out of there as quickly as possible.

I did not use Photoshop. Those words are actually floating in the air there.

These fine gentlemen then set about removing the old refrigerator from the kitchen, which my father was quick to remind them that he had made it easy for them by doing all the “technical work” by removing the doors of the refrigerator and taking the garage door off the hinges so it would be out of the way.  Let’s not forget that he pulled the pins on the hydraulic arm for the screen door as well.  “I even took the hinges brackets off the refrigerator or you guys never would have got it out of here.” he said with satisfaction.

Yeah, because they’ve never done this before.  They would have stood there, fucking mystified at those hinge brackets and would have probably considered removing a wall.  Good thing Pops was there for them.

The old refrigerator hadn’t moved more than a foot before they got yelled at to “Watch the wall!”  It kinda made me wish I was taking a video, but you can kind of see in the picture where his arm had come up to point at the wall that may or may not have been invisible to the poor guy and that he wasn’t really even close to.  Feel free to observe the “Dude, if you ever talk to me like that again I’m gonna punch you in the fuckin’ mouth!” expression on the delivery guys face.

STILL can’t figure out what it is from that side of the family that has them so afraid of things “touching the walls”.

The old fridge soon made it out without further incident.  Or at least, no one had to die. So it came time for the new one to roll on in.  Just to keep things interesting, the new fridge was just a liiiiiiiiiiiiitle bit bigger, which made it a tight fit coming into the house.  A fit made only tighter because dad had to shove his fat ass in there to make sure they didn’t hit anything.

Pops was a little disturbed that they didn’t take the doors off. Turning the fridge the other way hadn’t occurred to him.

But they made it in without scratching anything.  Again, if you are someone that does this kind of thing, you know when you get to a delivery like this that you’re twice as cautious when it comes to your job because you just don’t want to have to listen to it later.  (You also know that 9 times out of 10, Murphy’s Law suggests that something is going to happen anyway and flush your extra caution down the toilet.)  It made it to its soon to be new home without disturbance but it would have been nice to have seen dad get run over, because the man was “close hovering” the whole time.

The poor guy behind the fridge probably thought he was going to be trapped and die back there.

Then came time to hook up the water line to the back.  Bad news for the delivery guys because this is semi-technical and this is going to require some serious damn hovering.  Skinny dude in the back now gets his share.

Seriously, dad, since you hadn’t bothered to turn on the kitchen light, I’m sure he didn’t need any of that light coming in through the fucking window either. Way to be a goddamn eclipse!
Don’t want him messing that up and getting water on that high tech answering machine because then he’d have to get phone service that has fancy shit like voicemail and long distance.

So I’m pretty much just watching this go down and I want to punch him in the face.  My dad, not the dude doing the installation, although I’m thinking the installation dude would have welcomed it at this point.

With the delivery finally finished and the fridge slid fully into place and humming along nicely, Pops opens the freezer to discover that there was no ice maker in there.

Murphy’s Law for Delivery Dudes – 1, Delivery Dudes – 0

This is, of course, not the fault of the delivery dudes since they really just deliver and hook up and the ice maker was to have been installed at the store before the delivery.  (Most likely by the Delivery Dude’s, but whatever.  It wasn’t on their work order so they didn’t do it.)  It did occur to me that there should be an ice maker in the freezer if you’re hooking up a water line, but having done the job myself, you see the line lying on the floor and you hook it up.  It’s just kind of an automatic thing you do.

Delivery Dudes tried to explain that it wasn’t on their work order.  Dad tried to explain (no less than 6 times) that it had been thrown in for free as “part of the deal”.  Delivery Dudes repeatedly asked him to call the store and they would take care of it.  Pops again told them that it had been thrown in for free as “part of the deal” (#7).  Delivery Dudes packed the hell up and made a hasty exit.

Dad yells into the house at my mother, “You coming with me to complain?!” (I’m not making that up – the actual words from his glowing red face.)

Mom grumbles to herself, “What the hell do you need me for?” and off they go.

Word apparently travels fast, because no sooner were mom and pop out of the driveway that the phone rang.  It was Craig the salesman from Lowe’s.  He asked to speak to my father (before he identified himself) and after I told him that he’d just left, he asked that I have him call Craig at Lowe’s because he needed to talk to him about his ice maker.  I responded to him with, “Oh, yeah.  You’re going to be talking to him in about 5 minutes.”

He said, “Awwwww, shit!”  I’m pretty sure he didn’t mean to say it out loud on the phone, because he followed it with, “Oh my Gosh, I’m sorry.”

I just said, “It’s ok.  I feel ya, man.  I really really do.” and we hung up.

Within a half an hour, mother and father return, the ice maker still in the box and tucked neatly under his arm.  He proudly announced that it was waiting on the counter when he walked over there.  Of course it was.  1) Because Craig got lucky enough to get an early warning and 2) because had it been me, I’d have offered to stock the fucker with food for a month just to get him out of there.

The box was placed on the counter next to the refrigerator to await the return of Delivery Dudes.

It looks like a pretty standard refrigerator, but the pics don’t really do it justice. It’s kind of a big ‘ole beast.

I know you’re thinking it, so I’ll go ahead and address it.  I am quite sure when he got to Craig that he said just to give him the ice maker and he would install it himself.  Craig had clearly learned Pops’ soft spot and informed him that if he did it himself that it wouldn’t be covered under warranty.  So about an hour later, Delivery Dudes returned to install the ice maker, and oh, how lucky they got.

Pops (deaf in one ear and can’t pay attention with the other, I may have mentioned), was huddled away down in “The Cave” and didn’t hear the truck return.  Delivery Dudes managed to slip in, install the ice maker and slip back out before Pops noticed.  It wasn’t like any of us were going to go down and tell him because we were all on the side of Delivery Dudes.

Later, when Pops emerged from his hole, he did so bitching about how they hadn’t come to install the ice maker yet.  As pleasantly as I could muster, I let him know that they had been here and gone for a long while now.  (That entire sentence was true, except for the “pleasantly as I could muster” part.)  I got the expected response from him, which was, “Well why in the hell didn’t anybody tell me?”

Sifting through my pre-loaded retorts, I settled on, “Because your presence wasn’t required.”

So the final inspection had to be done.  Yeah, it was a complete, top-to-bottom inspection, with the whole “laying on the floor” and jamming the hands underneath it and adjusting the feet 1/32 of a turn because it may have been off balance just enough for half a human hair to slide under it.

Surprising as it is, he did not break out the the level.

Finally, the job is complete and this chapter of the saga comes to a close.  Mom has a refrigerator she is quite pleased with, dad has something new to bitch about and I have yet another post to entertain you with.  Everybody wins.

And I hear the dishwasher has been acting a little funny.  Dare I dream?


Facebook post of the day:

I’m not showing an actual post, but it is where I saw the news today . . .

The proud Thorne Family!

Congratulations to my dear friend Deanna on getting her results today on the Bar Exam and learning that she is officially a LAWYER!!  Myself and all of your friends couldn’t possibly be any more proud of you and all the work and studying you have put in over the last many years to get to this very proud moment in your life.  You deserve all the great things you have coming to you!

And to her husband, Brad . . . Dude, I’m so sorry about that whole never, ever getting to win an argument again, thing.  Really.

Now go tell that wannabe hot Law & Order chick to kiss your ass!!


23 thoughts on “We saw this coming, and I’m not talking about Irene

  1. I haven’t even finished reading, but I don’t want to forget how loud I laughed when I saw that you didn’t use Photoshop on that first pic. Interrupted the kids watching Dora & nothing draws their attention from that awful show. Back to reading…

      1. It was the first pic because it stood out. No worries. Kitten said the same thing to me on the phone last night, “I LOVE that first pic” and I said “The fridge with no doors?”

        “Er, wait, no . . . .the SECOND pic!”

        Thanks for all the RT’s on Twitter! They’re doing tremendous things for the blog!

        1. I feel bad that you’re so thankful when retweeting is so.damn.easy. Happy to pitch in. Also, and I wanted to say this here where I’m more sure she’ll see it, you tweeted her Twitter handle the other night and it took every ounce of impulse control (not my strong suit) to not follow her because I was only doing it to eavesdrop (Twitter-drop?) on you two being cute together. I did that once before, things went bad, it wasn’t pretty. So you are welcome for me keeping my jinxing to myself as well.

  2. I’m new here, and I don’t know your Dad, but the first picture of him here (standing on the driveway) spoke volumes. I immediately knew him.

    1. It’s amazing how many people have told me the same thing you just did. Sometimes I think he’s the only one in the world that acts like that and instead I find it more common than I would have imagined.

    1. It’s more of a logistical issue. We’re tucked away in a little tiny NC mountain town pretty much miles from anything significant. We’re actually lucky to have a Lowes.

  3. Well, they do say all things happen in 3’s. Your only at 2. So if we all pray together, the dishwasher could be lucky #3. I hope there is more than 3 though. 🙂

    1. Depends on how you look at it, Tom. The first was actually the new car, which would make this #3. Unless this is an appliance-specific event, in which case, you would be right. It would be #2.

      Although, he did just get mom a new computer which I haven’t decided whether or not I’m writing about yet. I’m not sure. He’s had it in The Cave (remember, it’s brand spankin’ new) for the last two days “getting it ready for her”. I’ll let you know how that goes once he’s all done completely fucking it up . . . I mean, “getting it ready”.

    1. Thanks, LeeAnna! Glad to see you’re still hangin’ around! And my sanity is beyond debatable at this point. Lost it many many years ago. I’m pretty sure that loss began many years ago, even when you knew me in high school . . . but who of us Laurel Hills kids came out sane?

  4. I just have to say that I love, love, la-huv your blog. I found you via Tazer and you’re now on my morning blog rotation. Anyhoo, you have a twin in Indianapolis and I stalked him through WallyWorld last week trying to decide if it was you or not. I decided it couldn’t be you when his skanktified hoe-bag came waltzing up. Seriously, this chick needs to use her tip money from the Classy Chassis to get a better dye job and new teeth.

    1. Thank you so much for coming by and leaving a comment! I always love to hear from who is reading. I’ve been to Indianapolis once in my life and it wasn’t last week, so safe bet it wasn’t me, and Kitten doesn’t have a dye job and has a gorgeous smile . . . so it wasn’t us. lol

      1. I’ve seen this same guy several times around town this past week so I’m convinced that he is now stalking me. I’ve always sort of wanted to be stalked so I’m cool with it as long as he doesn’t get all stabby. I draw the line at stabbiness.

  5. Ok, sorry it took so long to read this(5 yr old “demonspawn” kid and all needed some daddy time). This one had me laughing the most. Does your dad always have a red halo around his head and do you have one too? Family trait? I also think that you and your mom are breaking alot of things around the house.

  6. I’m pretty sure you’re the only blogger capable of writing the equivalent of 3 pages about a refrigerator and still maintain interest. 🙂 We need a new oven over here. Think we can borrow your dad? If not, can I name drop? No doubt they’ve heard of him at our Lowe’s.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *