FUCK YOU FRIDAY IS HERE!!
We’re big, we’re bad and we’re totally full of shit! A couple of days ago, Tazer and I threw down the “Fuck you” gauntlet and she invited me to a showdown on her “Fuck You Friday” feature to see who could outfuck the other one.
That’s totally not how that was supposed to sound.
Mostly, we were just going to see who could over-abuse the word “fuck” the most in a single 1500 word post. Because we are classy like that. So before I get started, let me just say that Tazer and I are not archenemies seeking to destroy each other, in fact, I love her work and our Tweet exchanges in the evening have been nothing short of sick, twisted comic genius and I further stand by my belief that when done correctly, you can meet the most amazing people on the internet. I consider her an awesome fellow blogger and friend. Here is her “Fuck You, Friday” post for the day.
So the sappy, blogger love shit out of the way, let’s get the fuck on with this. We made this a collaborative effort in an attempt to pull in a few more readers and maybe pass a few back and forth and see if we can’t get our following up into the fucking double digits. Taz also made the mistake of letting me see her sweat, so I already know she is stressin’ it!
Fuck yeah, Baby! I gotz dis!
So I’m going to go less for the quantity of the fucks and focus more on the quality of the fuck. You know, like your girlfriend is kinda wishing for, asshole! So here goes my “Fuck you” list:
Selling things online
Go fuck yourself, Craigslist! Seriously. Who in the fuck are these assholes that go around “flagging” shit so your ads get pulled within 4 seconds of posting it? Most of the time there isn’t even a reason for it. I’m trying to sell my COUCH, Dickface, not your grandmother. Leave my fucking shit alone and mind your own fucking business! Get a hobby that doesn’t include annoying the fuck out of me. And why can’t I post my phone number in my ad for a $75 stove without having to get a phone call the next day from somebody that “saw my ad and noticed that I wasn’t offering interest free financing”? WHAT. THE. FUCK. DUDE, SERIOUSLY?!
. . . and the Craigslist personals, I’ve pretty much covered that shit. I was just goofing around trying to post a blunt, but very fucking honest ad and it even had a clean, fully clothed, picture of me in it, yet that fucking ad didn’t even make it to the board before it got fucking pulled out. However, had I stated that I was a millionaire with a beach house and I clearly have nothing better to do than post a picture of my junk proudly displayed with my zit covered beer gut and comic book collection and you “need somma dis” . . . that would have been ok. Fuckers. You and your new transvestite, go fuck yourselves.
Ebay – don’t even get me fucking started. If it isn’t “Buy it now”, it isn’t happening. Because I know that some fucking douchehammer is sitting out there stalking that skull shaped coffee mug made from fossilized dinosaur turds that I want and just jerking himself to the thought that he is gonna outbid me 1/100th of a second before the auction ends. Fuck you, Mr. Douchehammer, and your entire ancestry.
The “convenience” store
Thank you, little Mr. Middle Eastern guy name Larry, for finding every fucking little corner of the Earth that you can put one of these. Also, thanks for hiring the anorexic “Emo” kid that looks like he already killed himself three fucking weeks ago, to work the cash register. In the future, get one that can say “Have a nice day” without bursting into tears. I’d say “Fuck you, kid” but I don’t want him slashing his wrists on the spot and bleeding on my fucking Moon-Pie.
[EDIT: Went by today and got a picture of the actual “Emo-boy”. Fuck you – YOU try and make him look up!]
Let’s also try to focus on the fact that your biggest draw is supposed to be the fact that you’re fucking “convenient”. It seems to end at the point that it’s on the way home. I want to buy a pack of smokes, and if I need to, a bag of Doritos, an expired 3-pack of glow-in-the-dark condoms, a single AAA battery and a lighter with Hello, Kitty! on it. Apparently this requires a fucking 45 minute wait because you have pre-selected one of the following people to be in front of me in line:
- The lady that just cashed her welfare check and is now purchasing $460 worth of lottery tickets and a 40 oz Budweiser. You will allow her to stand at the counter and scratch off . . .every . . . fucking . . . ticket . . . right . . . there . . . in . . . front . . . of . . . you to see if she has won. Which, she will not and then promptly blame ME for because my cries of “For the love of Fucking GOD, Lady!” from behind her were too distracting.
- The drunk that lives behind the dumpster and has caused me to stand at the back of the store, inside the beer cooler to keep me from throwing up in my fucking mouth. He’s only buying a pint of Thunderbird, but he’s using the pennies he’s collected from the parking lot throughout the day and he’s too fucking drunk to count . . . and Emo boy is too fucking distraught.
- Workin’ the welfare system mom with 26 1/2 children and a ferret on her shoulder. I appreciate your making all of your children feel important as individuals. Please find some fucking where else to do it besides letting each of them buy their own piece of gum, one child at a time. Here, I got some expired glow-in-the-dark condoms for you. Fucking look into it.
- The “hang on, I left my checkbook in the car” lady. It’s a fucking convenience store. You have already allowed Emo boy to ring up your .99 tray of nachos and collectible North Carolina refrigerator magnet and now, you want to write a check for $2.38. A check, which you have left in the car. Please die 1000 fucking times right where you stand. Checks are fucking dead, like you should be. Emo boy was already on edge and now you’re asking him to use the cash register backwards. There’s going to be a fucking bloodbath up in here.
My 5 minute ride home has now given me enough time to visibly fucking age before my final arrival. Fuck you, Osama Amin “Larry” Mohammed with the big fucking gold chain around your neck and your breathtakingly gorgeous young wife that sits quietly in the corner and does fucking nothing. I’ve been thinking about quitting smoking, so fuck you for giving me someplace to spend the withdrawal period.
and my final “Fuck You” of the day goes out to . . .
Bill Gates, you are the most expensive pile of walking shit on the planet. If you are going to sell me something, give me the WHOLE FUCKING THING! When I buy a computer, I would like to take it home and fucking USE it!
Me: “I’m returning this laptop. It doesn’t turn on.”
GeekSquad: “I’m sorry, sir. Did you buy the “Oh, you want it to fucking work” plan?”
Me: *serial killer eye twitch* “Um, no. I pretty much thought that was a given.”
GS: “No sir, let me get you one of those then and see if that will do the trick.”
Me: “Why don’t you fucking do that.”
GS: “Ok sir, that will be $3700.”
Me: “The fucking laptop was only $800!”
GS: “I’m sorry sir, but it simply won’t work unless you purchase Microsoft’s Windows That Will Close on your Skinny, Broke-ass Fingers Plan.”
Me: “Just take the fucking thing back then and get me a MacBook.”
GS: “Ok sir, I can do that. You’ll simply have to pay a small we-don’t-want-this-piece-of-shit-back-you-broke-motherfucker fee. There is nothing we can do about it as Microsoft requires it.”
Me: *display case glass starting to crack under the force of my forehead*
GS: “By the way sir, before you go, would you like your MacBook to have any of these 37,000 overpriced and unnecessary but totally so cool you can’t resist accessories?”
Seriously Bill, you’re fucking killing me. We haven’t even got to the Xbox yet. It was fucking genius, I’ll give you that. Taking the billions of dollars from the pockets of parents all over the world via the hearts of their 13 year old children. Some of you may remember the Xbox 360 vs Playstion 3 debate a few years ago when Sony first introduced their amazing gaming competitor. Everybody was all up in arms about “Oh fuck me! That thing is $600! I’ll just get him an Xbox.”
Microsoft snatched that shit up like it was fucking Christmas. Please allow me to show you how it went down:
- X360: $300
- X360: Wifi adapter – $100 add-on
PS3: Built in – free
- X360: HDDVD drive (Now defunct) – $120 add-on
PS3: Blu-ray player (Still available) – built in – free
- X360: Online Xbox Live multiplayer – $50 per year membership
PS3: Online PSNetwork multiplayer – free (but apparently you’re getting your credit card stolen. Doesn’t count because the money doesn’t go to Sony.)
- X360: 20 Gig hard drive at the time, expandable to 120 gigs, for $120 with a MS exclusive hard drive.
- PS3: Came with an 80 gig hard drive, but you could expand it with any standard laptop hard drive. Didn’t have to buy it from Sony.
- X360: HDMI capability – Didn’t come with it, but don’t worry, in 2 years they’ll sell you a newer version that includes it for another $300.
PS3: Came standard on the original version.
Final tally –
Sony gets $600
Microsoft gets just shy of $1000 and a hearty motherfucking laugh.
Anybody catching the fucking trend there? Oh please tell me you haven’t sat down in front of your shiny new computer and clicked on one of the awesome programs “included” with your purchase only to be met with “Please enjoy the trial version of this program for the next 37 seconds. Click this button to give us $29.99 per year and make this program resemble anything useful. You dumb motherfucker.”
Fuck you, Microsoft. Fuck you, Bill Gates. May your death be an anal reaming to match the combined one you’ve given the entire consumer world. The biggest Fuck You of them all!
So, I’ve overstepped my word limit for this little project and now I’ve got to cut it off. I lay my “Fuck You” sword before you, Tazer. It has been my honor to be a part of such a fine duel and my opponent has been most worthy. We should do it again sometime.
. . . and go fuck yourself.
(Couldn’t help myself. Sorry.)
Facebook post of the day: