With things swinging back into relative blogging normalcy once again, I’ve promised on a couple of occasions to tell you of my hotel adventures on my drive from Colorado to Florida.
Let me start by telling you that I’m not what you’d call a “hotel snob”. I’ve stayed in everything from a 5 star “kiss my ass” $600 a night room in South Beach Miami to a $25 a night joint that the people at the end of exit ramps begging for money are trying to stay in.
My requirements are few:
- It should be clean
- It should have a bed, with clean sheets
- It should have a TV
- I should have a shower
- It should have towels
Beyond that, anything else is somewhat of a luxury as the only reason I’m staying there anyway is to have a place to sleep while I’m in a town where I don’t know anybody.
Or I’m in a town where I don’t like anybody.
Those are not mutually exclusive.
So on my travel across the country, I decided that Motel 6 was going to be my financially responsible choice at each of the two stops I had planned to make along the way. The prices are fairly reasonable and the goddamn things are everywhere, so I figured they’d be easy enough to find.
And yes, I’m calling them out by name without changing it because everything I’m about to tell you is true.
And I just generally don’t give a fuck.
So let’s go to the first stop . . . in Fort Worth, Texsucks.
It’s selling points:
- Right across the street from Texas Motor Speedway, so that was kinda cool.
- It’s was $80, as opposed to the Holiday Inn Express next door that was $140.
The selling points kind of ended there.
Where it went wrong:
- The room I reserved was apparently not actually available to be reserved. They didn’t have a room for me.
- They found a room for me. It was a handicapped room. By that I mean that the room was meant for handicapped persons, not that the room itself was handicapped (but that point is also arguable).
- The hotel was hosting some kind of team. A team of kids between the ages of 12 and 14. There may have been 50 of them, possibly 100, but given the noise in the hallways it was somewhere closer to enough to fill Texas Motor Speedway.
- Given the capacity of the hotel having been quite full, I was privileged to see that I did get a single cube of ice out of the ice machine.
- The room itself was nothing short of a hospital room with tacky decor. It was a tile floor and the beds were nothing more than wood planks with foam pads on them. Shitty foam pads. Please let me demonstrate.
- The shower is what they refer to as a “roll in” shower. Obviously so that folks in a wheelchair can access the shower. I was good with that and figured I could work with it, however there was one more minor issue to overcome. The shower had a bench in it onto which one in a wheelchair could move onto. Also understandable, however, this is also where the shower head was. Also a workable issue . . . had I been able to move and/or remove the bench, which I could not. This made showering a challenge, to say the least. Again, allow me to demonstrate.
- Then there was the TV. Which, admittedly, worked if I wanted to watch TV, but being the gamer that I am, I had brought my Xbox with me to enjoy some relaxing game time before I went to sleep to rest for another day of driving. Since hotels seem to have gone over the edge to avoid television theft and other such shenanigans, the TV was permanently mounted into a cabinet with an “input box” located on the front of the cabinet. Thankfully, it provided an HDMI input that I required for the Xbox.
- All things seeming to be working out in the entertainment department, I plugged in my Xbox, switched the input on the TV and kicked back to get some gaming going on. I got this . . .
So, just to let you know what it is supposed to look like, it’s supposed to look like this . . . .
Which lasted about 3 minutes, at which point it turned green again.
And also, there was no audio. At all. At any time.
And the front desk said they would have maintenance look into the problem. Tomorrow. Several hours after I would be gone.
- So I found some Law & Order: SVU reruns, took some Melatonin and surrounded my head with pillows to drown out the Tween Mardi Gras going on out in the hallway.
I expressed my displeasure with the entire ordeal with the front desk as I checked out the next morning and also called the “Customer Relations” number that I was given as I sat in the car in the parking lot. With that out of the way, I threw the car in drive and aimed for any direction that would take me out of Texsucks and the misery that came with it.
The next goal I had in mind was Mobile, Alabama, but due to the nightmare of escaping Dallas, I was running a little behind and didn’t make it all the way. I came up about 90 miles short in a town called Hattiesburg, MS, where, despite my previous nights experience, I found yet another Mohell 6. This time for the low, low price of $39.99 a night!!
Let’s just say that considering what I got, it was overpriced as fuck.
It’s selling points:
- It had a bed.
It kinda ended there.
Where it went wrong:
- Pulling into the parking lot and making my way through the blatant drug deals going on in the parking lot to get to the office to check in.
- This particular hotel had a security guard that constantly walked the perimeter of the hotel. It is distinctly possible that he was one of the drug dealers.
- The lobby had 3 ice machines and two vending machines. NOT A SINGLE ONE OF THEM WORKED.
- The majority of my fellow clientele seemed to be white trash husbands/wives/significant others that had been thrown out of their homes by their wives/husbands/significant others, some of whom had been asked to take their children with them.
- The friendliest individual I met during my entire stay at the hotel was the roach that seemed quite content to hang out on the inside of the hotel room door. . .
- . . .the door that did not close unless you kicked it shut, held it there and slid the bolt into place because the plate that the knob is a part of was not completely attached to the door.
- It had a shower. It was slightly larger than I am. SLIGHTLY.
- There was a bed with sheets on it. They may or may not have been changed since the last person slept there. There was a table and a chair, a dresser . . .and oh yeah . . . the TV.
Ok, so maybe it wasn’t so much a dresser as it was kind of a desk upon which to set the 15″ TV. I suppose I should be lucky it was a color TV.
Now, I didn’t take a lot of pictures at this hotel, for a couple of reasons. 1) I feared for my life and didn’t venture outside very much, and 2) I felt as though the drug dealers might think I was some kind of DEA agent getting ready to make a sting . . . which kind of brings me back to reason 1.
So I did what I had to do and had my fine dining experience there in my room.
. . . and I tentatively went to bed.
I checked the bed for roaches first.
There was arguing outside. There was loud talking outside. There was loud I-don’t-fuckin-wanna-know outside.
Thank God for Melatonin . . . and overdosing on it.
My exit the next morning was swift.
Just to be fair, I’m sure that somewhere, in some town, at some price, there is a Motel 6 that is actually pretty nice and I wouldn’t mind staying there. Every business has its downfalls and crappy examples of what they would like to represent. Somehow, I got lucky and found 2 of them. In a row.
So, before I take my free nights stay that Motel 6 has so graciously sent me as an apology for my “unpleasant experience”, I’m going to do some research. In what town I want to use it, at what establishment I’m going to use it at and I’m going to find reviews written by previous clients of the hotel. All things that I probably should have done before I hit the road.
My advice to you . . . I don’t care how tired you are, that $39.99 a night sign you see on the side of the highway, pass it by and cough up the $140.
Happy travels, my friends!
and of course . . . .
The Facebook post of the day, ONCE AGAIN, goes to Denise!!