How to Fail at Advertising Your Blog 101

 . . . but I held on to the dream.
. . . but I held on to the dream.

You may remember a few days ago that I said I’d ordered this particular vinyl decal to place on the back window of my car . . .

Courtesy of
Courtesy of

Well I was excited as hell when it arrived today.  I pulled it out of the box, flattened it out (it was rolled up, of course) and began to read the instructions to apply it to my car . . . .which I immediately backed into the garage.

The sticker was beautiful, printed exactly as I asked and as the image they originally sent me (shown above).  Unfortunately, I took no pictures of it before I attempted to apply it to the car, but I really should have.  You’ll know why in a minute.

Let me just say at this point, THANK YOU . . . you did a hell of a great job.  The rest of this is MY fault.

The instructions were pretty clear.  They included:

  • Clean the window with soap and water, not Windex because it leaves a residue that the letters won’t stick to.
  • Run a credit card over the clear side of the application so that it sticks to that side of it better.
  • Peel off the white backing
  • Line up on your window exactly where you want it.
  • Carefully peel off the clear side, leaving the lettering on the window.

Done and easy, right!

Unless you are OCD like I am, which required that I scotch taped the damn thing to the window with all the backings still in place, made a template on a piece of paper to make sure it was exactly centered on the window as well as level, and then marked the window at each corner of the backing with a dry erase marker to make sure I placed it exactly where I wanted.

Because I’m stupid, fucked up and weird like that and don’t you judge me because I’ve been reading your blogs and 90% of you are the same way so fuck off.

I’m also on a new medication that hasn’t started to work yet so I’m still kinda twitchy.

Apparently there were a few things that the instructions left off:

  • Do not attempt to stick on a window that has been sitting in 100* weather in Florida.because . . .
  • The lettering will stick instantly
  • The lettering will stick at a distance
  • The lettering will stick randomly
  • The lettering will stick without warning
  • Repositioning of the lettering is impossible and will look like you drew it on with a window crayon from that point forward.
  • Once any portion of the stencil has touched the window, that is where that fucker is going to stay.

Needless to say, my dry erase marks and other such efforts were futile at best.

So here was the end result:

At least I attempted to back into the garage to do it.
At least I attempted to back into the garage to do it.

For those of you who missed the MAJOR screw ups . . .



The "M" was the only one that stuck right.  the "C" and the "O" on the other hand . . . I just don't wanna talk about that.
The “M” was the only one that stuck right. the “C” and the “O” on the other hand . . . I just don’t wanna talk about that.


and of course there was this:

Not only did the “S” not come off the backing properly, it ROLLED when it did.  Apparently unrolling is not an option.  That picture actually shows the final result after attempting to unroll it.

Keep in mind I was also doing this while wearing glasses, which I’ve only had for about a year . . . with sweat pouring down the insides of them because, well, I’m bald and I have nothing to absorb sweat on my head and there MAY be a tad bit of humidity here.

You probably noticed the bubbles in most of it, which, oddly enough, the instructions correctly told me to correct with a credit card.  Easy enough since none of mine are good for anything else anyway.

I went to the grocery store a little while later, and I guess . . . from a distance . . .for the few seconds you’ll actually see it . . .

It’s good enough.

It will do for now, and yes, that is still my Colorado license tag and it shows 2014 on it but it has otherwise been altered so that you can’t see the month of expiration, so as far as you know, I drove that car to the store completely legally.  You can’t prove otherwise and it will never hold up in court.

Not that I haven’t mentioned it before but, FUCK YOU, FLORIDA DMV!

I’ll leave it where it is for now.  Along with my Colorado props in the lower right corner and (if you can see it)  my Appalachian State University props in the lower left corner.  (Go Mountaineers!)  Because a lot of money was spent for me to go there and get drunk for 2 years.

I’ve already designed a replacement sticker for it, but it won’t happen until I’m working again and can afford to get it.  It will be ONE big sticker rather than 53 small, individual ones.  That might be easier for my OCD, anxious, tentatively medicated ass to handle, but as I have suggested in an earlier post, I have uploaded and created the sticker and now just await my “Oh dude, you should totally print that so here is 95% off” email.

The new sticker, when it happens, will look like this:

Because people will see it . . .and then they’ll try to pass me and see that I resemble the ‘toon of me (except the ‘toon doesn’t have his middle finger up) and then they’ll back up and try to remember the website so they can write to me and make a meager attempt to verbally fuck me up for giving them the finger, and WALLAH!!  New fan!

It’s assholery genius.

C’mon, you now it’s true.

Good press is good . . . and expensive.

Bad press is good, reaches a wider audience, attracts more attention . . . and it’s FREE!

Can you say “Justin Bieber is a dick”?  Perfect example.  He’d have been a 15 minutes of fame prick like all the rest until he started making an ass of himself, then he’s news every time you open the fucking internet.

If I could afford to get busted driving my Ferrari while drunk and carrying narcotics that may or may not belong to me while physically (which makes me laugh because he’s the size of a 5 year old with the same mental capacity) and verbally abusing the police while they arrested me, I’d do it to boost ratings for the blog.

Then I’d get on YouTube and be a complete dick while I was questioned with my overpaid attorney sounding professional while he’s also thinking “Oh FUCK, why did I take him as a client!” in the background.

And I’d smirk in the camera in that way that makes you want to punch me in the face.

Because THAT, my friends, is advertising.


Facebook Post of the Day goes to my friend Donna.  Her daughter is in boot camp for the Army:

I got NO phone call when I was in boot camp for the Marines.  Good journey, young Soldier!
I got NO phone call when I was in boot camp for the Marines. Good journey, young Soldier!

5 thoughts on “How to Fail at Advertising Your Blog 101

    1. The new one is already ordered. A loyal reader graciously donated the funds to get it done. It will be done and beautiful and my OCD . . . .

      will absolutely never be pleased.

  1. Omg this cracked me up! I can totally relate–I have had horrendous decal mishaps myself. It’s like the damn things just want to fuck with me. And I commend you for handling this so much better than I have in the past. My decal incidents usually ended with me growling obscenities, trying to scrape the damn things off, then basically having a nervous breakdown because, like, what kind of douche-canoe can’t even stick a stupid decal on a window. And I am totally impressed with the term assholery and am now anxious for a chance to use it in conversation and/or my blog! (Feel free to meander through my blog. I make no guarantees that it will amuse, but people have claimed it amuses them, so what the hell, right?) You have officially amused me and I will now be blog-stalking you. 😀

    1. Assholery is more than just a word, it is a state of being.

      Thank you for stalking! I shall do the same when I am not stalking my own comments at 4:30 in the morning on my iPhone whilst sneaking outside for a smoke.

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