Aug 25 2014

Jackshit Monday, how to get jackshit done!

Good advice no matter what day of the week it is.

Good advice no matter what day of the week it is.

It’s another Monday in Florida and my quest to make my niche here continues.  It’s Monday and by definition they are kind of supposed to suck, but this is kind of how every day goes for me around here lately, so if you want to know how the “day in the life of me” goes, it’s a little something like this:

Monday for me, as with any other day does not begin without coffee.  Nothing happens until there is coffee.  Nothing good, anyway.

And YES, it does have to have the Peppermint creamer (don't you judge me!) and it MUST be in the GIGANTIC cup, because I'm having at least two of those before you can even talk to me.

And YES, it does have to have the Peppermint creamer (don’t you judge me!) and it MUST be in the GIGANTIC cup, because I’m having at least two of those before you can even talk to me.

With that going on, the day can begin.  Well almost as there has been a new ingredient added to the morning coffee (and afternoon coffee and evening coffee).  There’d be more but they only let me have it 3 times a day.

Blur added to the picture to protect the identity of my pusher . . . I mean, Doctor.

Blur added to the picture to protect the identity of my pusher . . . I mean, Doctor.

For those of you not familiar with the generic names of drugs, that’s me some VALIUM right there, motherfuckers!!  Yeah, that’s right.  Valium.  Because I need it.

Because apparently I'm an asshole.

Because apparently I’m an asshole.

It’s not enough.  They could probably double the dosage and I’d still be an asshole, I just wouldn’t care that anyone thought I was an asshole.

Not that I cared that anyone thought I was an asshole without it, I just like that a Doctor cares enough to treat me for assholeism.

With the coffee and medication out of the way, I usually begin the day with the required online job search.  Since I’m looking for jobs with people that are specifically hiring veterans, this is made slightly easier with the government website that posts these jobs specifically.  So understand, this being a government thing, nothing is really happening in a hurry.  Thankfully, all my resumes, proper veteran paperwork, etc is all saved on the website, so the application process is relatively short and simple and requires not much more than answering a questionnaire about whether I have any disabilities and what things I’ve been trained in and whether or not I’ve ever arrived for work carrying a fully loaded automatic rifle.   Since I used to be a Marine, I actually get to answer “yes” to the last question and still be qualified for the job.

Since they will assume I did it when I was in the Marines.

And you know what they say about the word “assume”.

Eventually I will get a couple of emails that will alert me to the “status” of my application.  There are a few different status levels that I get alerted to.

  • Status 1:  “Your application has been received.”
  • Status 2:  “Your application has been received and it’s still here and we still haven’t done anything with it.”
  • Status 3:  “Your application has been forwarded to someone who may give a shit.”
  • Status 4:  “Your application has been received by someone who knows the guy that may give a shit.”
  • Status 5:  “Your application has finally arrived at the “give a shit” place and is awaiting review.”
  • Status 6:  “Your application has been reviewed and if we hire you, we’ll let you know in 8 to 10 months.”
  • Status 7:  “Your application has been reviewed and unless we actually hire you for the job, you will never EVER hear from us again.”

It’s been that way for all of them although I did apply at one point for a “Clinical Psychiatrist” position that paid pretty well and they emailed me back being all bitchy about the whole “you’re not a doctor” and “you’ve never been to medical school” and “you don’t have a degree in ANYTHING” stuff which I thought were all just suggestions anyway.

Personally, I thought I would have been perfect for it.  I look great in a white coat and I can make depressed people laugh.  Give me a prescription pad and I’d be a hero in the Psychiatrist community.  And also probably stoned.  Then they’d make a TV show about me and my sarcastic, don’t give a shit attitude, pill popping, genius psychiatric methods and how I miraculously save people from jumping off a bridge.

But that’s been done and I think they’re running out of actors with British accents that do American accents better than we do to play the part.

So I’m not 100% sure yet, but I don’t think my application arrived at the “give a shit” place for that one.

Then the rest of the day can begin.

  • I check the blog stats to see how many people have been reading.
  • I am disappointed and wish for more Valium.
  • I check to see if I got anymore Twitter followers.
  • I am disappointed and wish for more Valium.
  • I go to the mailbox to see if the title for my car has arrived.  (See THIS to get that reference)
  • I am disappointed and wish for more Valium.
  • I take more Valium.
  • I eat lunch.
    It is the lunch of the Gods and you cannot go wrong with it.

    It is the lunch of the Gods and you cannot go wrong with it.

     

  • I go back to obsessing about the blog stats and Twitter followers.
  • I am disappointed and . . . . (c’mon, do I really gotta finish that sentence?)

And the rest of the day doesn’t get a whole lot different.  I scan through my favorite blogs (to which you can find links to in my sidebar).  If I’m motivated and have some shit to get off my chest, I’ll write a post but I do most of my post writing in the middle of the night.  I’m funny that way and I just work better at night.

(Side note:  I added a new favorite blog to my sidebar today.  Please take some time to go check out Can I Get Another Bottle of Whine)

Now if I could just get the “Graveyard Shift Clinical Psychiatrist” position to open up, I’d be golden.  And stoned.

Since I spend the majority of the day in one spot, pretty much this one:

jackshit 003

I guess you could kinda call this “my office” at the moment.

And yeah, that is NCIS on in the background . . .

Because ABBY!!  Duh!

Because ABBY!! Duh!

 

I do occasionally have to get up and move around.  I mean, there is the whole eating lunch thing that involves me going to the kitchen.  More coffee, which also requires a kitchen trip.  Sometimes the dog has to go out and pee and that is nothing short of a lesson in frustration.  You see, she mostly just lays here, on “her” side of the sofa, just doing her whole “I’m a dog and I don’t give a fuck” thing, but she’s kinda weird in that she sometimes gets up, walks around in 5 or 6 circles sniffing the couch cushions like she’s looking for a better spot, and then she lays back down.  EXACTLY WHERE SHE WAS BEFORE SHE GOT UP!  I don’t know.  She’s just odd.

Bella - "I'm a dog and I just don't give a fuck."

Bella – “I’m a dog and I just don’t give a fuck.”

Then comes the “Bella’s gotta pee” part that gets infuriating.  She will whine, groan, pace and make circles around the coffee table while intermittently sniffing the sliding glass door as though she has not peed in a week and she just drank a swimming pool.  I’ll let this go on for a few minutes because I know what I’m in for when I take her out.

Fortunately, when I put her on her chain and let her go out, I can wait in the comfortable “smoking area” which I am fully convinced was designed for the sole purpose of having someplace to hang out while Bella does the “pee ritual”.

Welcome to the smoking lounge.

Welcome to the smoking lounge.

Now this friggin’ dog, who just begged to go out like it was her first pee since Easter will now walk around the yard . . . sniffing . . . and sniffing . . . and going to another place in the yard and sniffing some more.  For like 20 minutes.  Until she has found THE PERFECT BLADE OF GRASS TO PEE ON.  Then we are finally done and I’ve gone through three cigarettes and have lost 5 pounds due to the Florida humidity.  Just to make this clear, if the grass has been recently mowed, this process takes even longer.

But what the hell, right?  At least I got outside for a little while.

My other little bit of exercise comes from the trek to the mailbox.  To, of course, look to see if the title to my car came yet.  Supposedly the mailman comes around noon, so I wait for at least that.  But sometimes it’s 1:00.  Sometimes it’s 2:00.  Sometimes it’s next Thursday.  But I obsessively make the trip to keep checking for the car title, only to (and this includes today) be disappointed.

And wish for more Valium.

Now I live in a little community wherein we do not have mailboxes at our houses.  Rather, we have this “Mail Dispensation Unit” located at the entrance to the neighborhood.

For cryin' out loud, don't forget to bring the mailbox key with you.

For cryin’ out loud, don’t forget to bring the mailbox key with you.

I also probably don’t need to tell you that I don’t live near the entrance to the neighborhood.  So I gotta walk down here to check the box.

Well, ya know, I’d drive but there’s the whole “expired Colorado license tag” thing I got going on at the moment.  I walk down here, usually a couple times a day to check the box.

jackshit 002

Can you see my house way down there at the other end of the street?

Yeah, neither can I, because it’s down and around the corner where you can’t see it.  It’s not a “long” walk, but let me remind you that this is Florida.

It’s 900 degrees with 2672% humidity.

At the very least, I’m losing weight down here.

Then when I get back to the house, covered in sweat and disappointment, I generally get to pick up whatever the cat has decided to knock off of the counter, table, whatever is off the floor that she feels needs to be there.

Because the cat is a dick.

See all that mail that she knocked off . . . that is NOT my fucking car title?

See all that mail that she knocked off . . . that is NOT my fucking car title?

To the average Joe, my day is fairly boring, although I have managed to accomplish a few things over the last week or so, not the least of which was my first encounter with one of these:

This is what's knows as the "Eastern Coral Snake" and is quite native to Florida.

This is what’s knows as the “Eastern Coral Snake” and is quite native to Florida.

I didn’t take this picture.  I had to Google it.  But that’s the little bastard that I saw.  And I saw it because Bella was a little overly aggressive about her perfect blade of grass search one afternoon so when I went to investigate what was going on, I discovered that she was screwing with the little bastard.  Fortunately, the snake wanted nothing to do with Bella and was more interested in getting away from her than killing her . . . because the snake could if it wanted to.

And I didn’t take the picture because I wasn’t exactly in “Holy shit, where’s my phone?” mode at that point.  I do not know where the snake went except “away”.  I do not know if it has plans to return, but you can bet your ass I’m looking where I’m walking when I go out in the grass.  I immediately looked this creature up after seeing it.  I found this:

“The coral snake, despite it’s particularly toxic venom, which gives it the potential for serious human interaction, seldom bites people.    Unless a coral is stepped on, sat upon, or grasped, it is not likely to bite.    It will, when it does bite, probably hang on and “chew.”   However, all it takes to cause serious medical problems is one drop of venom, which can be delivered quickly.”

and . . .

“The coral’s venom is primarily neuro-toxic, attacking the central nervous system.  Symptoms of the bite may include a sore throat and ptosis, which is the inability to keep the eyes open.  If and when death occurs, it will come from respiratory failure, as the nerves that control the lungs fail.  There have been a few cases of coral snake bite where there was a delay of several hours between the bite and the onset of the first symptoms.  If you transport a victim to the hospital, it would be a good idea if he were admitted for observation, even if there are no outward signs of envenomation.”

[Credit for these quotes go to http://venomoussnakesfl.com/coral.htm]

I’m real excited about my new neighbors!  Especially when they wanna hang on and “chew” . . . until you’re dead.

With that excitement out of the way, I did manage to accomplish a few things this weekend with the blog in particular.  As many of you know, I’ve been struggling with constraints of being hosted on WordPress.com for a while now and finally managed to escape their grasp and became self-hosted.  As I mentioned in a couple of previous posts, the move went fairly smoothly with the exception of one gigantic mistake that I made in the process and I ended up skipping a night of sleep to re-link every fucking image I have ever posted on this blog in every fucking post.

I refer to this night as “The Great Unfuck of 2014”.

With that problem finally solved and needing to find a way to stay awake the entire next day so that I actually went to bed at something resembling a normal hour the next night, I went back to the task of finding a blog theme that everyone would find acceptable.  In particular, me, because I’m never 100% satisfied with anything.

And yeah, that subject has come up with my therapist.

I uploaded different themes.  I screwed with the one I had originally in I don’t know how many ways.  I tried all the colors of the rainbow.  I even found another theme that I really liked but there isn’t enough Valium stocked at the pharmacy that would have kept me from throwing my laptop when I tried to mess with its CSS files to change the colors I wanted.

I finally found this theme.  I really liked the way it laid out and I liked that it wasn’t all “in your face” like the original theme that I had.  The only problem that I had with it was that everything that you see on it now that is green . . . was ORANGE!

ORANGE for fucks sake!

Luckily, the CSS files were easy to navigate and I was able to make the color changes I required to go along with the new logo design and what you now see is the final result.

And ya know what . . . I LIKE IT!  I’m actually as close to being completely happy with the appearance of the blog  that I’ve ever been.  And that’s saying something.  Because I’ve had the damn thing for 3 years.  There are still a couple of things I want to tweak on it, but for the most part I’m really happy with it and I’d love to get some feedback from all of you on it too.  Good, bad or otherwise.  Don’t worry, you won’t hurt my feelings.

Because Valium.

I’ve also spent a lot of time doing some “networking” to get the word out about the blog and get readership and followers back up.  I’ve done some begging to The Bloggess and Oh Noa to see if they would help me out.  I even sent an email to George Takei for some help since he seems to be the King of Facebook at the moment and has 7.5 million followers to his page.  I’m slowly getting more Twitter followers and have made some great contacts there and managed to go from 1 follower a week ago to 18 today and met some really neat people while I was at it.  The latest of which of course being @KateWhineHall who I have already mentioned I added to my sidebar just today, so again go check out her blog.  I’ve also planned to send begging posts to both Pauley Perrette and Kate Micucci to see if they’d give me some attention but I don’t know how to do it without coming across as “creepy TV star fan with a crush” . . . mostly because I’m a creepy TV star fan with a crush.  I just happen to be medicated.

I also made this blog automatically post over at Tumblr as well.  I’m still not sure why I did that shit, but people say it’s important to be everywhere, so my quest for omnipotence took me there.  I still haven’t got around to looking into the Pinterest or Instagram thing yet, but I’m told that shit is important too.

I’d also like to give a mention to a great website I’ve found (once again, through followers at Twitter) called WriteHere.  It’s a great place to go if you love to write but don’t want to have to go through the hassle of setting up a whole blog.  You can write about just about anything, your work will be shared with the community and you can look at others’ work as well and leave comments, share it if you like it or whatever.  An awesome place if you just feel the need to write.  I’ve made a couple posts there already (you just can’t advertise your blog or anything else like that in your posts, but you CAN have a link to it or your Twitter account in your profile, so you’ll still get noticed).  Cameron, the guy who runs it, is a hell of a nice guy too and has been more than helpful.

I’ve got a 30″ window sticker for the back window of my car advertising the site on it’s way as well.  Maybe someday I will have tags on the car so I can drive it and see if it works.  So this will be arriving soon:

Courtesy of CarStickers.com

And finally, I hit up Vistaprint.com to get me some of their free business card action . . . so I can have some cards to leave lying around to annoy the fuck out of people until one of them finally gets curious and visits the site.  Then I designed my own business card on their site and saved the file to My Account.  Now, for those of you thinking about using these options as a way to advertise, let me let you in on a little secret . . .

Both with CarStickers.com and Vistaprint.com, go to their site, create an account and create your design.  You see, I can’t afford to buy shit like this on the income I have right now, which is pretty much none since I have exhausted my unemployment account.  Which would be why I went with the free business card option, but in either case, make your custom design and then save it in your account.  Then DON’T order it.  Just close the site and go away and read Opticynicism or something.

In the next day or two, you’ll get an email from them offering you some INSANE discounts if you’ll just complete your order.  Mission complete.  So now I have 500 of my actual personalized cards on their way as well, which is good, because the free ones kinda sucked.  Also, the window sticker came with a massive discount as well, so this method worked on both sites.  They’ll damn near give you stuff if you just tease ’em a little.  Works like a champ.

So here’s the free cards that are on their way, that I’ll leave in like, laundromats and shit:

The "free" business card.  It's kinda stupid but the free templates were few and far between and this one had a skull on it, and I kinda dig shit that has skulls on it.  And you're damn right I blurred out my phone number!

The “free” business card. It’s kinda stupid but the free templates were few and far between and this one had a skull on it, and I kinda dig shit that has skulls on it. And you’re damn right I blurred out my phone number!

And then there are the actual personalized cards I’ll be getting that will go in more prominent places:

Much better and it actually has a picture of "me" on it.  And you're damn right I STILL blurred out my phone number!

Much better and it actually has a picture of “me” on it. And you’re damn right I STILL blurred out my phone number!

So all in all, some shit got accomplished over the past week or so.  Things that will help me personally.  Things that will help the blog. and things that help keep me mentally stable.  Well, as mentally stable as I am capable of.

I just wrote a heavily image intensive, 3500 word blog post about how I didn’t do a fucking thing today worth mentioning.  How mentally stable can I be?

But I did it.

Because Valium.

Love to my peeps!!

———————————————————-

Facebook Post of the Day to goes to Noa!!

(Also, huge props to Noa for her DallasObserver feature!  Love you bunches!!)

noafbpotd

 

Permanent link to this article: https://www.opticynicism.com/2014/08/jackshit-monday-how-to-get-jackshit-done/

8 comments

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    • Deb on August 25, 2014 at 8:18 pm
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    Sorry, I didn’t actually make it past the coral snake hanging on and chewing part. I was laughing too hard. Wondered when you were going to meet the locals. 😀 Watch out for canebrake rattlers too, they’re not very nice.

    1. I just try not to go outside. At all. Ever.
      opticynicism recently posted…Jackshit Monday, how to get jackshit done!My Profile

  1. Dude, I think this is the longest post I have ever seen in my entire life. With that said, it was very funny. And thank you for the mention and sidebar add. I LOVE Peppermint mocha creamer, so nothing wrong with that. And I totally get that desire for more valium after looking at my stats/Twitter followers. All the effort into the blog and then…nothing. Great.
    Kate Hall recently posted…I Exposed a Woman Pooping in the Bathroom to an Entire RestaurantMy Profile

    1. Yeah, I can get wordy, especially when I get on a roll. It makes up for when I lose all enthusiasm and don’t post for a week. I seem to average around 1000 words for a post, but this one got out of hand.

      And you are most welcome for the mention and the sidebar add, your work is definitely worth sharing. Please keep that up!!
      opticynicism recently posted…Jackshit Monday, how to get jackshit done!My Profile

    • Teri on August 25, 2014 at 9:11 pm
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    Where was the fucking WARNING “picture of SNAKE coming up” holy crap dude! I need a Valium to sleep through the night without nightmares! I HATE them!! This post rocked except for the damn snake! Glad I peed first, you had me rollin’ LOVE YA!

    1. Sorry. I’ll try to add a “Teri Disclaimer” feature for future posts. Didn’t know it was necessary since we already had the “peeing” thing covered. And thanks!
      opticynicism recently posted…Jackshit Monday, how to get jackshit done!My Profile

  2. I can relate to this very much. Except the valium part. I take xanax. I love my doctor.

    And the snake part. I would have had to double up my dose.
    Michelle recently posted…Vegetables: Bad PoetryMy Profile

    1. Valium has been the best for me so far but they’re gonna have to up the dose for me. I have this weird tolerance to Benzos. Stuff like Xanax and Librium, give me those and you may as well give me an aspirin because they do nothing. Sometimes even 10mg of Valium is just a “buffer that’ll do for the moment”. (See the post I’ll share in the commentluv below to hear a little about my Benzo conversation with a doctor recently)

      And the snakes don’t bother me too much, until I find out that they “chew”. *squirm*
      opticynicism recently posted…Save me some time and combine the miseryMy Profile

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