I have sat and stared at this screen for I don’t know how goddamn many hours this weekend and I’ve continuously come up with a complete blank. It’s not that nothing funny has happened, it’s just that nothing funny has happened that wouldn’t fit into a tweet.
“I’ve talked to him, but I didn’t enjoy it.” -in reference to someone we work with
— The Opticynic (@Opticynicism) October 19, 2014
I can’t take credit for that one. That little gem actually came from Liz when we were talking about a particularly creepy male nurse that we work with. As I choked on the cigarette I was smoking at the time she said it, she followed it up with “Why do I get the feeling that’s showing up in a blog post in the near future?”
That’d be why. But then I got to thinking . . . (dangerous and painful, I know) What makes me laugh? Well, shit that’s funny. Duh. So if I want a make a funny post, howsabout I round up some of the shit that made me laugh over the past week.
Think of it as Twitter without the 140 character limit. Or not. Because I actually did Tweet some of it.
He never fails to keep me entertained.
That space I leave between myself and the car in front of me shall henceforth be known as “The Window of Douchebag Opportunity”.
— The Opticynic (@Opticynicism) October 14, 2014
. . . and I try to keep my sense of humor after the commute in to work in the morning, but it’s hard.
But some stuff just happens. It’s short, but not Twitter short so it requires a short intro.
Like my two bosses at work. One has a very thick Spanish accent, and he goes by Medina. I promptly started calling him “FunkyCold” from about day 2 of my employment there. It took me three days to determine that he was saying the word “Podiatry” because he very quickly says “PohDee-AT-tree”. He didn’t get it when I told him that there was an “I” in Podiatry. He also pronounces his v’s as b’s, so hearing him say “baginal swabs” always leaves me in stitches.
My other boss, Al, is Jamaican, and hearing him and Medina go back and forth is entertaining as hell, but Al is at his funniest when he’s pissed off. Friday I came into the supply room and Al was on the phone . . . and not happy.
He was very slowly yelling into the phone, “Speeeeeeeek DO A REPreeeesendadeeve!!”
*A moment of silence*
“Eyeeeeedunno da damn number!!”
*Looks at me* “Ihadedismuddahfuckinsheetmon!”
*Slams phone down*
I totally get the frustration with automated phone prompts, but Holy Shit I was crying at that little exchange. The new Xbox One has a thing now where if something really cool happens in a game, you can just say “Xbox, Record that!” and it will automatically go back and record the last 30 seconds of whatever you just did.
I SO want that for life in general. “Life, Record that!”
I’m also entertained by the little shit. Like how the Federal Government likes to mark their territory. On EVERYTHING. Just in case you forget that it’s theirs, but if you need to look it up in the database, it’s listed under “C” for cold. Because where else would you look for it. There’s also this . . . I didn’t even know they still used this shit anymore. I know the government is all about removing everything that might be construed as fun, but damn, don’t deny me bubble wrap! Or even those big poofy bags, but c’mon . . . peanuts?!
I suppose if nothing else, we can stain them orange and hand them out at Halloween as circus peanuts. It’s not like they’ll taste any different.
Speaking of marking one’s territory, there’s also the dog. You remember, the eater of the penis cake? The Master of indecision. The one who if I go outside without her, she looks at me like this . . . Until I let her out, then she does this . . . With absolutely no peeing in between. Sometimes there’s this, but she saves this for special occasions . . . That’s where she goes when you let her out but don’t stay out there with her. She sits there and barks to be let back in. Apparently it’s important to be comfortable whilst being a general pain in the ass. As you can see, she has fully recovered from the penis cake incident.
Sometimes, at the end of the week, I just don’t have much. Just the little bits of every day funny that pass me by, and when I’m having an “I got nuthin” kinda week like I’m having at the moment, I gotta take what I can get. The advice says, if you got nothing, write anyway, good or bad, so here it is. I’ll get the mojo back. It usually hits me when I’m not paying attention.
I’ve also been working on another blog too. It’s an experiment in progress, but I’m thinking of making it a place to just post short, vulgar and nonsensical pieces of advice to help get folks through the daily grind of life. I’ve called it F-Bomb Psychology, so look forward to that soon.
Peace out, ya’ll. Or you’s guys. Or mate. Wherever you’re from.
Tweet of the Day, and a failed experiment:
Siri, whose trunk am I in?
— Raspberry Noodles (@Jenny4ashley) November 16, 2013
So, of course I tried it. The results were less than stellar.
She’s such a bitch sometimes.