Nov 09 2014

Shit Denise Says: The Interview

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You’ve seen her mentioned here many times.  She is the reigning champion of the Facebook Post of the Day.  She’s been a household word at Opticynicism since her first appearance here over three years ago in the now World Famous Craigslist Posts.

Now, far later than it should have happened, I’ve put together a blog just for her.  Because she’s funny, she’s sarcastic, she’s in your face and she is just as willing to laugh at herself as we are to laugh at her.

That may have sounded more wrong than I intended.

With her.  We laugh WITH her.

I thought the best way to introduce her and her new blog would be with an interview.  I first met her a few years ago.  By a few years ago, I mean she is the little sister of my best childhood friend back before any of us were old enough to drive but acted like we were old enough to be convicted of a felony.  I will not tell you how many years that is for fear of her coming down here to beat my ass.

But we both remember watching The Breakfast Club when it was new.  Just sayin’.

So lemme shut up now, and give you Denise.

Her response to my request for an interview.  By the way, her new boyfriend has batteries.

Her response to my request for an interview. By the way, her new boyfriend has batteries.


 

Do you have an actual picture of you that you would allow me to use for this post and not your comic alter-ego?  (That question will not actually appear in the blog unless the answer is fucking hilarious.  It does not have to be hilarious.  No pressure.)

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Conspiracy theorists around the globe have many theories as to what that is in her left eye.

 

Black, white and blurred makes everyone beautiful.  🙂

I leave your last name out to protect your identity and save you from creepy internet stalkers.  Is that ok or are internet stalkers what you are looking for?

 I don’t like the term “stalker”, it has negative connotations.   I prefer fan that loves you so much, they want to keep you in their soundproof basement so people can’t hear you screaming with joy as they shower you with affection.  It’s like a fairy-tale, but with rope and a ball gag.

Where do you live and how long have you lived there?  (Your exact address is not required, dependent on your answer to the previous question.)

 I would give my exact GPS coordinates, but I know how stalkers like a challenge.  I live in Raleigh, North Carolina in a 1600 sq ft townhouse with 3 rescue cats.  Yes, I am THAT girl.  I’ve lived in Raleigh since I was 5. Guess I haven’t found a good enough reason to leave.

What do you do for a living and does it allow for your sarcasm and smartassery on a daily basis?

 I’m an accountant, which is the least funny, least entertaining profession…ever. My debits and credits don’t get my sense of humor.  *cricket cricket*  See, accounting humor is not funny.

You seem to live your life based on a code of sarcasm and smartassery.  Is that a defense mechanism or would you describe it more as a highly refined character trait that you have nurtured over the years?

 It started off as a defense mechanism and discovered I’m a smartass guru.  But most importantly,  it keeps me from pushing people into traffic.

You were married once, for like 15 minutes or something.  Marriage not for you?  Explain yourself!!   (Please.)

 Excuse me, I was in a failed marriage almost 10 years!  I should have known I was making a mistake when I started hyperventilating while walking back down the isle after the ceremony.  True story.  Anyway, nothing went wrong, I just wasn’t in love with him like I thought.  Don’t know if I’ve ever been in love.  Guess I should have asked Oz for a heart instead of lifetime supply of batteries.

gotsomepussy

You’ve become somewhat of a “household name” around Opticynicism, due largely to the now world famous Craigslist posts of 2011.  What do you think about that now that it has grown into a blog dedicated to you and you alone?

 I think it’s hysterical. I am the least interesting person.  I shouldn’t even be allowed a Facebook account.  And now there’s a blog dedicated to me?  This does not speak well for the future of mankind.

cantdotheinterview

Did you ever actually meet anyone via the Craigslist ads or was your lesson learned through the research that went into the posts?

 Sadly, I did.  I was lulled into the illusion that there might actually be good available men left, but I was mistaken.  But it left me with stories to tell and I was able to give younger men a spin.  Turns out, not my thing.

You once inadvertently flashed an entire gas station.  Do you now choose your undergarments based on the possibility of that happening again?

 Nah, I don’t have anything people haven’t see before.  I’ll just make sure I’m wearing my “I’m gettin’ some” underwear next time I wear a dress or skirt.

What is your biggest pet-peeve and why?

 Lying.  If you lie to me, we’re done.

If a TV network wanted to do a sitcom about your life, who would you pick to play you and why?

 It would take 2 people to portray all that is Denise.  It would be the two old guys sitting in the balcony on the Muppets.  They don’t give a shit and they’re funny as hell.

Is there anything you’d like to say to the tens of people that have visited your site already?  How about the future victims readers that will visit as a result of this interview?

 I cannot be held responsible for your entertainment, I can only promise  it will be better then getting a lobotomy. My goal is that within a year, there will be enough of you to fill a bathroom stall.  I’m super excited about that.

What is the one thing that is most important to you that you would like to have advertised or stated in the sidebar of your new blog and why?

 I take cash and money orders only.

Will you forget me when you become world famous?

 Yes.  Immediately. I’m already forgetting you.  I’ll have my people call you if you want further contact.  Lose my number.

blockyourcalls

What question do you wish I had asked and how would you answer it?  (Totally stole that question from AbbyHasIssues . . . but it’s such a GOOD question!)

For a link to my Amazon wishlist with the following message:

Warning, some content may not be suitable for kids, people with high blood pressure or heart problems, nursing mothers, midgets, or people born between 3:11 a.m. – 5:27 a.m.

typoknowsme


Now help her get that blog kick-started!  Stop in and see her at Shit Denise Says  and leave her some comments, subscribe to her blog and do NOT forget to follow her on Twitter @shit_denisesays.  You will not be sorry.

Or you will, but you’ll be laughing about it.

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Facebook Post of the Day comes from the fabulous @RavingPleb, who hasn’t written a new post in over a goddamn month.  Great big WTF to you my Dear?!

Anyway, cheers to the next Queen of England.  Or something.

ravingpleb

Permanent link to this article: https://www.opticynicism.com/2014/11/shit-denise-says-interview/

14 comments

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    • Deviant Denise on November 9, 2014 at 7:51 pm
    • Reply

    Thank you Eric! XOXO

    1. Thank you!! That kind of hilarity should not go unpunished!
      opticynicism recently posted…Shit Denise Says: The InterviewMy Profile

  1. Whoop, thurrr et ez… My awesome crown on Facebook post of the day. THANKS. And I know, I know! I HAVE BEEN SOOOO LAME! I was on holiday for two weeks and then I was depressed for two weeks about not being on holiday anymore… I have forced myself to get back on the horse today despite having nothing to write other than “WHY AM I NOT ON HOLIDAY ANYMORE?!?” It’s a start though. I’m enjoying Denise’s blog, it’s super nice to have somewhere to go to watch people talk about killing hookers. I honestly don’t know why there isn’t more of that on the internet…?
    The Raving Pleb recently posted…A tentative step back in to the blogging arenaMy Profile

    1. SO glad you’re back even though your holiday is over. Think we should change Denise’s tagline to “Now with more dead hookers!”? That might be wrong. Funny, but wrong. Maybe that’s more suitable for the next Grand Theft Auto game.

      • Deviant Denise on November 10, 2014 at 8:05 pm
      • Reply

      Thank you!

  2. You might be placing yourselves in to a bit of a scary market if you go with that. Denise would definitely end up with terrifying stalkers! It would make a perfect GTA advert though… (sure, they say it’s not about killing hookers, but we all know the truth).
    The Raving Pleb recently posted…A tentative step back in to the blogging arenaMy Profile

  3. I have this overwhelming desire to be her friend now…

    1. She’s cool like that.

    2. I’ll be your friend! Question, do you have rope and a ball gag?
      Deviant Denise recently posted…The InterviewMy Profile

    • Bon on November 10, 2014 at 5:18 pm
    • Reply

    Yay! New giggles are always a goodness.
    As you say, combat medicine for blues and anxiety. Thanks for the heads up, doll.

    *addetty addetty add add*
    Bon recently posted…Sometimes, I CookMy Profile

  4. I left a comment, but the internets eated it.

    This was amusing. Denise, you sound like my kind of people.
    Starr Bryson recently posted…Denial Ain’t Just a River in EgyptMy Profile

    1. I founded it and fixed it. Welcome, Starr!!

  5. Hi, Eric. We met on the SW blog, and I’m finally getting over here to read one of your posts. I kind of like Denise and not just because she’s not wearing pants.

    Is your kitchen clean?
    Mandi recently posted…The Talking DeadMy Profile

    1. I remember you well, Mandi! Welcome to my little world of insanity. We all like Denise no matter what her level of dress/undress is.

      Spotless . . . SPOTLESS I’m telling you!!

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