Dec 07 2014

Interview with Alanna from White Girls Be Like . . .

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I’ve been thinking for a while that I want to start doing some interviews with some of the cool people I’ve met out here, and maybe help out some of the newer bloggers get themselves spread around a bit.  Yeah, I don’t have a great big “blogger reach” or anything, but everything helps, right?

So this week I wanted to introduce the newest addition to my sidebar blogroll.  Alanna from White Girls Be Like.  She’s young, sarcastic, got a sharp tongue and a quick mind and she entertains the living shit out of me.

Also, I can’t wait to be her interventionist.  I’m cool like that.

It’ll be the funniest episode A&E ever had, bar none.

Also, Denise helped me come up with some of the questions, so between the three of us, this is guaranteed to be a hysterical train-wreck.  So enough of me running my mouth, boys and girls I give you . . . Alanna!


 

ronald-reagan

Let’s start with the basics, your name, age and where you live.

My name’s Alanna, I’m 22, and I was born and raised in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. (Don’t come here, it’s a trap.)

What made you decide to start blogging?

A couple things, actually. I wrote an email to The Bloggess and she responded saying that she could see me blogging and, “You rock so hard and you made me laugh.” I was so stoked that I told everyone I knew but my dad was all, “Well don’t just talk about it. Actually DO IT.” I took that as a challenge and immediately started my blog. So now I can be like, “HA! What’s up, DAD? I fucking did it so you can take your condescension elsewhere!” (I have some daddy issues, but that’s neither here nor there.)​

Why humor?

Well, I’ve always written. Mostly bullshit for school and like 15 years of journals, but writing has always been my “thing” (or whatever sounds less campy). I tried my hand at other genres and of course the serious stuff, but I could never read my serious writing without gagging. I’d be re-reading it, thinking, “This is fucking LAME, you sound like a total poser and I want to throw tomatoes at you because you deserve a cliché punch in the throat.”  Plus, I received a lot more recognition for my humor writing, so I finally decided to hang up my Kerouac-shoes and just start writing for laughs. So, ya know… you’re welcome.

My Mustache and Me

You are young, in college and quite open with a lot of things most young people would keep out of the public eye.  Do your parents know about your blog and what do they think if they do?

Yeahhh, they know. I told them to back the fuck off and not look for me when I first started it, but of course they didn’t listen. I decided that even though they’d see it, I was still gonna write what I wanted and write my truth. If they don’t like it, that’s fine but at this point they should know who I am and not be too surprised. (Actually, my mom sometimes tells me if she sees something that made her laugh or whatever. Then she tells me to watch my language but I still call it a win.)

What is your most embarrassing childhood memory?

Oohh, this is a tough one. My life is kind of like the young female version of Mr. Magoo. But if we can extend “childhood” into the teenage years, then I’d have to say the time I fell asleep during study hall (with like 50 people in the room) and woke up very suddenly from some strange noise. I looked around all pissed-off at everyone for waking me and went back to sleep. Then it happened again and everyone was looking at me and I realized I’d been farting myself awake. People were like “…” and I just kept a mean scowl on my face like I did it on purpose and then laid my head back down on my desk and tried not to cry until the bell rang.

Where would you like to see your blog go?  Stepping stone to something bigger?  Just a hobby you enjoy?  Is it enhancing something you are trying to accomplish in life?

Right now, it’s just a fun hobby to keep me in the habit of writing and a way to meet some hilarious awesome people, the likes of whom I didn’t think existed. But just like everybody on here (who’s being honest with themselves) I do hope that this blog leads to something. Maybe connections, notoriety, whatever. The dream would be some executive for a TV network stumbling across my site and being like, “Alanna. We need you to come up to New York right this second and write an original script for the greatest comedy show of all time because you’re amazing and perfect and the world needs you.” (But that might be a bit of a stretch.)

You mention your boyfriend a lot.  Given your “open book” nature, what does he think of your blog?  Has he given you any “never talk about that on the blog” statements?

Hahaha, great question. He reads my blog occasionally and is fine with most things. Sometimes he’ll be like, “Wowww I can’t believe you wrote that,” but in a laughing-type way. He doesn’t totally enjoy when I talk about his weed-smoking but I tell him that we must sacrifice certain things in the name of great journalism. Then he chuckles a bit, shakes his head and takes a hit from his grav.

"This is a mask which attaches to a pot-smoking device. I got stuck in it once and ran into a door."

“This is a mask which attaches to a pot-smoking device. I got stuck in it once and ran into a door.”

What blogs do you follow every day and why? 

There’s so many great blogs I follow and try to read every day but I don’t always get to them because I’m hungover a lot and sometimes I don’t have the time to read all the blogs and also write my own post. But of course I read this one because Eric is hilarious. I read The Bloggess (who doesn’t?), and I’m part of a group of really great comedy bloggers who get together on some Fridays to write “Funny Blog Friday” where we write humor posts and sometimes give away prizes and do other cool stuff so that people will check us out and drink the Kool-Aid. (Which you all totally should. It’s great. You can trust me, I wouldn’t lie.)

Tell us something about yourself that you’ve never said on your blog.

One summer in high school, I drank almost an entire half-gallon of Vladimir and took off all my clothes at the middle school track near my house and ran around. Then I somehow got home and when my parents called the police on me, I started hitting on one of the police officers. (Like gross stuff.) My parents took me to the hospital and I was so mad that I ran around the ER, yelling at nurses and licking the gel hand-sanitizer. A lot of the details need to be filled in because I blacked out, but yeah. The next morning, I woke up to see one of the volunteers was the valedictorian from my school. Needless to say, the following school year was not great for me socially.

[Eric's note:  A&E and I are DROOLING right now!!]

[Eric’s note:  A&E and I are DROOLING right now!!]


You get to party in Vegas with 5 other bloggers.  Who would they be?

Probably the people I’ve made friends with on here because I’d love to party with them in real life:

  1. Victoria from http://angstanarchy.com/
  2. Gina from http://www.endearinglywacko.com/
  3. Jessie from http://www.jessiereyna.com/
  4. Jamie from http://fitsofwit.com/
  5. And of course Eric from http://www.opticynicism.com/ (here) (even though he doesn’t drink, we’d all have fun)

If there was one thing you would want people to think after meeting you, what would it be?

“Well… she wasn’t a total bitch.”

How would you describe yourself vs how your friends and family would describe you?

One person’s “fun and adventurous” is another person’s “crazy and impulsive”. I’d rather believe the former.

Alanna Keg Dance

If the world was going to end in a week, how would you spend the time?

Drinking. And then I’d go find the guy I had a crush on from 6th-11th grade and make out with him so hard until he decides to leave his girlfriend and be with me for the remainder of the week. Then I’d burn down a local newspaper who accused me of plagiarism one time. I’d find the specific people and tie their hands behind their backs, get them on their knees in a line, and slit their throats enough so that they stay alive until they drown in their own blood. Then I’d buy a ton of Big Mac’s and Xanax and just chill.

As long as there are no hard feelings, that’s cool.  If you could have a Super Power, what would it be and why would you choose it?

Oh shit, Professor X all the way!! Telepathy/telekinesis and all… fuck yeah. It’s not just because I’m lazy and would rather get the chips from the other room with my mind, either. There’s so much you could do. Like, sometimes people will be walking down my street and I think to myself, “How awesome would it be if I could tickle them with my mind real fast?” They’d be all, “AHHH, WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!” And I’d just be on my porch, laughing to myself and enjoying the ability to tickle from afar.

Are you as open in person as you are in your blog?

Even more so! No joke, I will tell total strangers intimate details about my life. But only because I’m usually drinking. And I like to gauge how far I can go to make people laugh. Otherwise, I don’t really talk to people and try to avoid them at all costs.

Is your sarcasm and smartassery your general nature, or is it something you learned as a defense mechanism?

Hahaha wowww, I like this question. It’s kind of like asking what came first, the chicken or the egg or whatever. My parents would probably say it’s in my nature and they might be right. I can remember the first time I was able to lie and people just believed me with like almost no convincing. I was about 4 years old and started telling the kids at my daycare how I was a witch and had a bunch of horses and that my dad made a million dollars a day. I remember thinking how funny it was that those dummies just believed what I said so I pushed it as far as possible. So it’s probably in my nature to be a smartass. But I will say that being a tall lanky ginger who hit puberty at like 9 forced me to develop the ability to throw out humorous insults that not only went straight to the bone, but that could also turn a whole batch of children against a person. I was kind of a bully

Chuckie's crazy little sister.

Chuckie’s crazy little sister.

What’s something you do when you’re alone that no one should ever see?  (That fucking question was Denise’s idea . . . I just happened to love it!)

I am a very lazy and dirty person. When I’m alone I fart, scratch uncouth places, pick my nose… just everything you’d never want to see someone do. (I once used a chip to scoop up some dip I dropped on the floor and didn’t even hesitate to eat it.) I also cry a lot for no reason.

If you had one suitcase in which to pack your most prized possessions, what would be in there?

My journal, this laptop, two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers… and also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of Budweiser, a pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls. (Just kidding. After the first two, it’s just a quote from “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas”. I don’t go that hard.)

Tell us about a favorite moment in your life.

I wrote a short story in my freshman year of high school for the Scholastic Art & Writing Awards and I won. I got to stand in front of hundreds of people at this beautiful place in Harrisburg and accept the “Gold Key” for my piece as well as a check for $150 for the “American Voices Award” on my way to the National Competition. It was badddassss.

(DISCLAIMER: some jerkoff teacher later accused me of plagiarism, so to protect themselves, they stripped me of the award and the money and tried to slander the shit out of my name in the paper. I didn’t get to go to nationals. It was some true bullshit.  Read the second paragraph here.  But either way, it was one of my greatest accomplishments.)

This spot is yours.  You get to advertise yourself or answer any questions you wish that I had asked.  Sell us Alanna!!  (I’ll be asking everyone to remove their minds from the gutter at this point.)

Alanna weird face

HEY HEY HEY WHATSUP EVERYBODY?!

You just read this interview (or skimmed it, landing only on a few choice words), so now we know each other. If you’re ever in central Pennsylvania, I’ve totally got a spare room. Anyway, my blog is “White Girls Be Like…”where I write about nothing really, but I make some jokes and try to get people to laugh. If you’re not already one of those people, you should be. If you want to know more about me, come read my blog or even just my “About Me” page. I don’t know what else to say. I have snacks if you’re hungry. Come on over and read my blog!! 😀


Thank you, Alanna!!  I look forward to seeing more from you!

Go check her out, ya’ll!!  And also stalk her on Twitter @alannabelike


Facebook post of the day goes to the always hilarious @RageMichelle from Rubber Shoes in Hell.  This one made me laugh . . . HARD!

hubbyboobs

 

 

 

Permanent link to this article: https://www.opticynicism.com/2014/12/interview-with-alanna-from-white-girls-be-like/

19 comments

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  1. Great interview, Eric! So looking forward to exploring Alanna’s blog!

    1. Thanks Michelle! I know she’ll be glad to have you there!

    • Denise on December 7, 2014 at 7:20 pm
    • Reply

    I’ll be happy to bring chips and dip to the intervention.

    1. Dean’s French Onion Dip please!! We can scoop it off Alanna’s floor.

      1. Hahaha nice. Although I prefer the lipton fench onion dip mix with sour cream… it’s amazing.

          • Denise on December 7, 2014 at 8:27 pm
          • Reply

          Do you make it with Vladimir?

            • Alanna on December 9, 2014 at 3:33 pm

            Only sometimes for a little more kick

  2. First of all, Denise and Eric – I nominate you for best interviewers ever! Super fun and original questions!

    Alanna, the blogges was right! You’re a natural and I’m so glad I met you through Eric. I love me some smart, funny lady bloggers. Werd.
    Oh, and LURVE your blog name!

    1. The first thing I thought was that Denise had to help me come up with the questions. It was a no-brainer.

      • Denise on December 8, 2014 at 6:41 am
      • Reply

      Thank you Beth!

    2. Thank you so much!! You’re amazing and just made my day <3

  3. Great Eric, like I needed another girl crush. She sounds hysterical. I especially like “I don’t always get to them because I’m hungover a lot” Amen, sister *sarcasmo-fistbump*
    I love blogs about nothing, they’re the greatest. Plus, we day-drinkers have to stick together, we’re a dying breed in this hellforesaken world.

    1. What can I say, Joy. I’m a matchmaker. Glad you enjoyed and so glad I could spread around the cool that is Alanna.

    2. So, so true. *return-fistbump*

  4. Nice, now I want to interview someone. Maybe over a boring post and in the tone of it being a life’s achievement. Man I gotta write this down before all this crack wears off and I…. need to organize my socks. Oh shit I forgot what I was thinking. Whoever started this post had a neat idea.

    • Ben on December 10, 2014 at 1:12 am
    • Reply

    Alanna, funny like always. Great interview people of this blog!

    1. Aww shucks 🙂 I’m glad you checked this out Ben!

  5. The pics in this post just really make it. You look so innocent as a child. Also I love that big hair photo. Alanna…also…you are crazy and wild and mad and quirky and the best. Don’t change!

    1. Awwe Victoria that’s so sweet <3 (Also, thank you about the hair, sometimes when I'm bored, I give myself wild makeovers. The tail end of that day was pictures of me looking like Brett Michaels.)

  1. […] check out my interview later today on Opticynicism. It’ll be pretty […]

  2. […] Go check out my interview with Eric and Denise on Opticynicism!! […]

  3. […] getting interviewed on Opticynicism. That was a fun experience and they’re cool […]

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