Phrases with FedEx


No, no, no . . . your eyes do not deceive you.  I’m here, and I’m making a post and when even She who shall not be named that has not written a post since November 10th but her name is TheRavingPleb starts giving me shit about how long it has been since I wrote one, well then I guess it’s time.<!–more– Read the rest . . . >

But let’s face it.  It was the holidays.  Shit was busy.  People traveled.  Everybody ate, drank and was merry.

For all of you people that work in retail, I’M SOOOOOO SORRY!!  It’s over now.  Take a breath.  You can relax until next year.  I have been there and done that.  They should have a Retail Workers Day just like Veteran’s Day.  Restaurants give you free meals.  They have parades.  You sit around and trade war stories about all the complete dicks you’ve met over the years.


I get it guys and girls, I really do.  I feel for you and I can relate to you and my therapy is ongoing.  You have my respect.

I shop on Amazon.

You’re welcome.

Because I’m one of those dicks.

I’m about to prove it.

Today, I am FedEx’s victim.  I do not feel one. bit. sorry. that I did not go down quietly either.  Because I lost my battle as I knew I would.  It wasn’t about whether I was going to win it anyway.  It was the principal.

. . . . and I made sure every last goddamn FedEx employee in this hemisphere heard about it.

You see, I upgraded my phone last week.  I upgraded from the iPhone 5S to the iPhone 6Plus.

At least I think I did.

I’ll find out when FedEx releases the hostage.

AT&T sent it out to FedEX.  THAT DAY.

FedEx picked it up and took it to the distribution facility in Ft. Worth, Texsucks, THAT DAY.

FedEx then transported it 1,145 miles to Tampa, FL, THE NEXT DAY.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is where it has sat for the last THREE DAYS.

Because apparently the LAST 10 MILES IS REALLY KICKING THEIR ASS!!!

Let me share my frustration with you by showing you the tracking of this package with some images I took using the iPhone 5S I STILL FUCKING HAVE!!  (Ahem . . . sorry.)


I see here that my package is here.  In Tampa.  That is where I definitely am.  Trust me.  It took me 14.5 hours to drive here the weekend after Christmas.  I am definitely in fucking Tampa.  There are 4 arrows spread across 2 days up there to prove it.

But wait, what is this somewhat faded gray text I see there?  “Package not due for delivery”

What is this mysterious due date?  The package was sent 2 Day Delivery.  It was sent on Friday.  It is now Monday.  By my count, that is 3 days, and even if I give you Sunday, it’s still 2 days.  So near as I can tell, it is most definitely due for delivery.  You don’t get credit for Saturday too because . . . it is very clear you people were working.  Hell, you managed to get the damn thing from Memphis to Tampa that day, so you’re busted.  You were working.  The USPS was working and so was UPS.  All those years I worked retail and I worked Saturday, you can bet your sweet ass I was working, so FUCK YOU, you do not get credit for Saturday.

Besides . . . it’s HERE!!  What’s the hold up?  It’s a 2 lb package that’s smaller than a bread box that someone apparently acknowledged its existence at 7:22 this friggin’ morning!

And by acknowledged, I mean, looked at, scanned and went “Yeah . . . fuck you Mr. iPhone guy.”


So, I’m a dick.  And I called FedEx.  Screaming several obscenities later at the automated system (much to the amusement of both of my bosses), I finally reached a live human being.  I think she was alive.  I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt.

Me:  “I’d like to arrange to pick up my package today.  Tracking number is xxxxxxx.”

FedEx Rep:  “I’m sorry, Sir, that package isn’t available for customer pickup.”

Me:  “It’s in Tampa, correct?”

FER:  “Yes, Sir.”

Me:  “I’m in Tampa and I have a reliable vehicle, so what exactly makes it unavailable for customer pickup?  Is it being held for evidence in some sort of crime?”

FER:  “No, Sir.  The shipper requested it be delivered to the recipients address only.”

Me:  “Odd, I don’t remember hearing that, so fine, then can you tell me why it isn’t out on the truck for delivery since it has been here for two days already?”

FER:  “The package is not scheduled for delivery until tomorrow before 8 pm.”

Me:  “Please tell me where I can find this ‘scheduled delivery time’.  I don’t see this anywhere on the tracking info.”

FER:  “You’ll find it near the top, Sir, right under the Ship date.”

Me:  “I see an ‘Estimated delivery date’.  I don’t see a scheduled delivery date.”

FER:  “Yes Sir, that’s it.”

Me:  “No Ma’am, it isn’t.  That is in an estimated delivery date.  Where is the SCHEDULED delivery date?”

FER:  “It is the same thing, Sir.”

Me:  “I don’t want to be rude and accuse you of anything, but maybe English isn’t your first language?”

FER:  “English is the only language I speak, Sir.”

Me:  “Ok, then can we go over the VERY DIFFERENT definitions of ‘Estimated’ and ‘Scheduled’, because by my last check, ‘Estimated’ is defined as an approximate guess, a limit within which something can be achieved.  In this case, I would assume a point beyond which FedEx would find the delivery unacceptable. A goal that is easily achieved in this case because the package is 10 goddamn miles from my house.”

FER:  “I’m sorry, Sir, your package will be delivered tomorrow before 8:00 pm.”

Me:  “That’s it, huh?  ‘Your package will be delivered tomorrow.’  Not, what can FedEx do to make this right for you?  Not, I will contact the proper people about correcting the wording on the tracking page.  You’re not even going to offer me info on where I can go to file a complaint?  Just, the very transparent “I’m tired of listening to you now and I don’t care that you’re upset with our service and I’m going to be late for lunch if you don’t shut up soon so please fuck off?”

FER:  “There is nothing I could do for you, Sir.  The package is containerized and can’t be accessed until tomorrow.”

Me:  “Containerized??  So, you’ve made a fancy term for ‘it’s back there in a box’.  Who was it that ‘accessed’ it this morning at 7:22 long enough to ignore it?”

FER:  “I’m sorry, Sir, there is nothing more I can do.”

Me:  “I think it’s cute how you said “more” like you’ve done anything at this point.  You’ve not even bothered to point me in the proper direction as to who I should complain to.  I’m sorry to have wasted my time, but at least I could make you look busy in front of the boss for a while.”

……..aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I hung up.

Much to her relief, I am sure.

Then, I sent an email to the complaint people after I searched the internet for the FedEx complaint department.

I was nice.  -ish

By nice, I mean I didn’t use any profanity.

That kinda nice.

It went something like this:

I felt the need to write and express my frustration with the tracking and handling of this package and those of other packages I have had delivered through FedEx in the past, mainly with the wording used on the tracking web page itself. You have tomorrow listed there as the “Estimated” delivery date, which would be fine if I couldn’t also see through the tracking that my package has been here in town for two days already, and now you’re sucking up a third day because FedEx doesn’t seem to consider this date an “estimate” but rather a set in stone “scheduled” delivery date. Then when I call to ask if I can come and pick the package up, I’m told I can’t because the package is “containerized” and I will have to wait because of a condition set forth by the sender.
My problem lies not with the condition set by the sender, nor even with the package being held until tomorrow. I am upset with the choice of words used on the tracking page in a deceptive way. “Estimate” to me, implies that the date is a “guess” or a “no later than” time frame. So when I look at the tracking info and see that the package has arrived in my town two days ago, I SHOULD feel somewhat confident that my package would arrive today, in fact THREE days after a TWO day delivery, but I’ll chalk that up to the weekend. The fact is, it won’t because the “estimated” date does seem to be a “scheduled” date as far as FedEx is concerned.
So, my question, or maybe request, is this: Change the wording of “estimated” to “scheduled”, or if the deception is more what you want to stick with, at least don’t be so bold as to show me that it takes you longer to get the package to go the last 10 miles than it does to go the first 1000 miles, then give me the seemingly standardized response that the package is “containerized” and I am not able to pick it up. This isn’t the first time this has happened to me with FedEx and my trust in your company has severely been broken as a result.
This practice is unacceptable and I think a professional company should better be able to conduct themselves with their customers to maintain a solid relationship.

It’s reasonable, right?

I should also note that I sent this email to Denise so she could check it out, and being just as fucked up as I am, she pasted that fucker right into MS Word to get a word count and immediately laughed at me for using 399 words to complain about FedEx’s misuse of ONE word.

Which I would have thought was funny too except my OCD twisted sideways on the fact that it was 399 words and I had to find a way to correct it to an even 400.

At which point she accused me of bringing it home and turning it into a 1000 word blog post too.

Well, she was WRONG!

1733 as of this word.

We pick our battles.  I picked this one.  I lost.  Sue me.

I’m back and I’ll write more because I got all kinds of shit to tell you about and things I have been working on.  The holidays are over and it’s time to get serious again.  Or not serious, depending on how you look at it.  It’ll be fun.

I even have for all you old school followers . . . . a quick Christmas story about . . .  my DAD!!

In the meantime, I’ve got to crash.  I have an early appointment with the doc tomorrow to talk about my sleep apnea.  Which I was told I had to correct over Christmas.

By Denise.  When I was sleeping with her.

Yeah, you read that right.

All you dimestore Nostradamus’s should be happy now.



Merry Christmas and Happy New Year all you freaks!!

Facebook Post of the Day is cancelled today due to I didn’t wanna look for that shit . . .

on my iPhone 5S goddammit!!



27 thoughts on “Phrases with FedEx

  1. I’m thinking this has to fall under “ignorance is bliss.” If you just don’t look (and cross your fingers for FedEx competency of course), then before you know it (or at least in a week or so?), boom, there’s your package. Of course I’ve seen other friends fretting about their iPhone deliveries too. Maybe I just can’t relate…

  2. Okay Eric no offense to you, but I feel sorry for that poor girl. I used to work at reception & switchboard operating, and customers like you… well nowadays this would seriously have tried my …

    Plus you know I think you have it good. We have waited for a month for one of our packages once, because the shipping company could not get it cleared through customs. That is a month that it was in the same town I live in, stuck somewhere because the shipping agent was not doing his job.

    While my husband later gave up, after several phone calls like yours, I tried to remain quiet and calm. Conversation went something like:

    Me: “It has been three weeks now. I’ve been phoning you everyday for the last two, could you understand that I am upset and that this is very unreasonably bad service?”

    The other person: “I will phone the guy at the clearing depot today again. I’m really sorry. We have been receiving many complaints”

    Me: “Well then you must do something about it. Could you please take up the matter with management?”

    The other person: “I have…..”

    Well shit if management is so $%***/&!! then there is no help for the wicked or even the kind of heart.

    As I say you have it good. 😉

    1. I honestly would have felt sorry for her too, had she actually been offering any kind of help or direction or suggestions or anything. Hell, I have been the phone rep myself and I totally get the kind of undeserved abuse that people can dole out, but seriously . . . nothing. Not one thing. No suggestions as to where to file a complaint, no number to call, no nothing. Not even a DESIRE to be helpful even if she couldn’t be. Your experience, that person at least expressed sincere apologies, acknowledged there had been complaints, even stated that she’d tried to do something even if it didn’t work. There was at least some empathy.

      I got nothing from this one. They could just lower the shipping costs and replace her with a recording that just says “Fuck you. Don’t ever call here again. We’ll get there when we get there.”

  3. Ohh yea and you and Denice make a very cute couple… 🙂 As for not writing a post… well I wish I could get some of my favorite bloggers to write posts…sometimes you just miss a blog. I totally understand what Denice was going through… it is called withdrawal.

    As for her not writing a posts… well she is a woman, she is permitted. 😛

    1. Don’t let her win! I let her win once today . . . or was that yesterday? Either way, I told her not to get used to it.

      But yep, we’re freakin’ adorable!! And thank you, Serins!

  4. I’m still waiting for one of my Christmas packages. Shippers really do suck.

    Momus has sleep apnea as well. We spent all the money on the machine and he hates it with a white hot loathing. He manages to slap it on maybe once a week (when I beg him for a good night sleep). I wish you better luck with that.

    1. I’m scheduled for the Sleep Eval on Feb. 4th. I guess we’ll see what happens, but I think I can totally see where Momus is coming from. I have a hard enough time sleeping as it is (In fact it is 3:00 in the morning right now and I have to leave for work in 3 hours but FUCK YOU insomnia), so I can’t imagine trying to go to sleep with something strapped to my face is going to be at all easy to get used to.

  5. I’m hacked off at UPS and PBS because something I ordered from the PBS store on Dec 26 took NINE days to get here, was supposed to be delivered yesterday, and still hasn’t been (well, it may have been by now, but I’m prepared to doubt it). Nine days. Amazon and Zappos got the stuff here before New Year’s Eve. And they used UPS too, so don’t tell me PBS couldn’t have done better. Shippers. Hate.

  6. That SUCKS donkey dick of epic proportions. The delivery thing I mean. I feel your pain. We ordered something for our kid’s birthday, yes it was from the UK but their stupid false estimated delivery date? Yellow-bellied LIES told by blind burglars in the dark.Hey I like the sounda that. When I tweet this post, that’s how I’m going to word it!
    Congrats on your relationship though, you guys look adorable and really happy together!
    Happy New Year!
    DO get writing! Do NOT get serious! hahaha

    1. Thanks Joy!! Yes, more writing is coming soon. I think I’ve nearly got the hosting sales website thingy figured out. I just need a first victim sucker client to try out the sales software, so if you know anyone looking to self host, send ’em my way.

    1. That’s my woman, right there! Encouraging my crazy.

      I have a letter that proves I’m crazy, did I tell everybody that? Like a serious note from my doctor that says some shit like “This dude is seriously fucked up.”

      I just thought everyone should know.

  7. I have tried to complete reading this since when you actually posted it!!! I have a new boss at work so my days of casually browsing the internet and posting comments on here during the working day are numbered!

    But anyway… Welcome back. Yes, it’s a bit hypocritical of even ME to notice a lapse in blogging production.

    Great post, although I do feel sorry for the FedEx chick who is undoubtedly screamed at daily for minimum wage. But on the plus side, I did a LOL for the (I’m assuming very sarcastically delivered) line, “…What exactly makes it unavailable for customer pickup? Is it being held for evidence in some sort of crime?” Niiiiiice.

    FINALLY, Happy New Year to you and Denise and congrats on your recent concious coupling 😉

  8. Part of my job as an office manager has always been shipping/receiving. I try to cut those folks a break– so many times stuff happens that is completely out of their control– and they are pretty much harassed on the daily, hehe.

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