The Plunge into Stand-up Comedy, Part 3

I don’t know what to do here.  I want to get on the stage and make people laugh.  I want to get things rolling.  I HAVE to do this because I will not leave this as a regret.

I’m fucking exhausted.

I’m working . . .and working . . .and working . . . and it’s not something I should be complaining about.  God knows, I’ve spent enough time unemployed and fighting for jobs that never come and living off of the kindness of others.  I’m working and I should be glad.

But . . . it’s in the way of what I want to do and I don’t know how to weave it in to what is my “regular” everyday life.

I leave the house at 7:00 in the morning and most nights I get home between 6 and 7.  By the time I shower and eat and finally sit down, it’s 8:30 and all I want to do is crash.

The question here is, who in the fuck decided that Wednesday is the only night of the week anyone will do Open Mic nights?

I expanded my search to comedy clubs throughout the state of Florida.  It’s the same everywhere.  The Improv in Orlando . . . every Wednesday night, at 8:00.  Given that is an hour drive from my house, I couldn’t make it even on a good day.

When the weekend comes, I have the time and I can muster up the energy, but there is nowhere to go to take the stab.

Let me take that back.  There are places to go that have open mic nights.  They take open mics for musicians, poets and comics, with the majority of them ending up being musicians, and in front of crowds that tend to be drunken kids just looking for a cheap place to get wasted.  (I Ubered people to a great many of these places and I wouldn’t stand in front of them trying to be funny if my life depended on it)

Having just started this job, I kinda have to go until I get some kind of shitty legs under me again, but it’s looking more and more like I’m going to have to take a day off here and there just to get some stage time in a real comedy setting.  If it’s what I have to do, it’s what I have to do and I’m going to do it.

Damn if I don’t need your encouragement though.  I’m tired and there are days I feel that shitty attitude come back.  The shitty attitude that comes from spinning my wheels, working my ass off and living paycheck to paycheck and wondering what the fuck it’s all for.  I keep going so I can eat chicken in the 50 various ways I know how to cook it and have a steak once every three months.

The life of a new comic always starts out slow, poor, broke.  Ask any comic that has ever made it to the big stage selling out venues.  The trick here is that I’ve been slow, poor and broke for YEARS and it kinda scares the shit out of me to be slower, poorer and broker than I am now.  That, and most of those guys started in their late teens, early 20’s and the idea of sleeping in my car in my late 40’s makes my back hurt just thinking about it.

I am fully aware that my position in life is the result of really shitty life decisions with some mental defects thrown in for good measure.

I did not live up to my “potential” as they used to like to say.  There is a whole book being written about that and I’m the author, but that’s for later.

So here’s the deal.  I’m looking to my readers for some help.  I have NOT lost the desire to make the Stand-Up happen.  I have not lost the drive and I have not let go of the dream.  Where I am stuck is where I always get stuck.  I have a decent job, I’m not living on the street and I’m living clean and sober and I’m happy being that way.

I. Just. Have. No. Time.

Any decrease in my income is devastating.  I have a home ONLY because I’ve been given one and thank God for Liz otherwise I don’t know where I’d be . . .

How the fuck do I make this happen?

All suggestions, I’m taking all of them.  Help me out.

I’m looking into a life supplement that I’ve seen some good results from and it looks like it might be a great plan for me . . . problem is, it’s more expensive than I can handle right now, but I want to try it.  It may be worth it in the end, but we’ll see.  I’m going to take a stab at a month of it.  (This is what I’m looking into.)

What am I looking at for the stage?  I know some of you suggested that I make this my testing grounds, so I’ll throw a couple at you . . .

*So what made me decide to get into comedy in my late 40’s?  Well, I been disappointing my father for years, so I’m perfectly capable of disappointing a whole room in 3 minutes.

*I’ve been searching for the perfect woman my whole life and I”m starting to think that a short, skinny, redheaded, jewish, vietnamese girls just doesn’t exist.

*I busted my ass in the rain in the parking lot of the convenience store the other day and laid there soaking wet laughing out loud at the irony of being paralyzed by slipping on the slick, wet paint of the handicapped parking spot.

*I’ve been married twice, and both times I said “until death do us part”.  I stand before you single.  You do the math.

.Thanks, my faithful people!

4 thoughts on “The Plunge into Stand-up Comedy, Part 3

  1. Do you get any vacation time? If you get a week off at some point, you could devote the week practice for aWednesday and give it a shot. That way, you don’t actually have to make a life style commitment change (unless it goes really well of course). Liked the jokes – not too sure about the “perfect woman” one – all you need is one drunk in the audience who “knows someone” and there goes your rhythm. My husband has a disabled card and hates the word handicapped, so you might want to change that, even though the rest of the planet says handicapped, I guess the politically correct word is disabled. For what it’s worth. Let us know if, when, and how it goes!

    1. Oh, how I wish a vacation were an option, but with my unexpected layoff in May and luckily finding a new job a week later, I’m only a month in, so any chance of a vacation is quite a ways off. Not a bad idea, but for now I’m going to have to work on just taking a day off here and there. As for the handicapped/disabled nomenclature, I understand your husband’s dislike for the term “handicapped”, but I can see issues like that coming up in all kinds of ways. The signs that indicate them say handicapped, they’ve been referred to as handicapped parking spots since the beginning of time and it’s a familiar term to pretty much 100% of society. On top of that, saying disabled parking spot initially sounds like the parking spot is disabled. While most intelligent human beings will quickly iron out the syntax, it’s still just enough of a brain twist to (at least temporarily) derail the joke. I’m sorry he doesn’t like the term but I didn’t name it. I’m only referring to it as what it is most commonly known as. Somewhere down the line, I’m going to offend somebody. It’s apparently just the nature of living in 2017. It seems that everything offends somebody nowadays. I’m not out to intentionally offend anyone, but it’s going to happen.

      Ok, well, I may actually want to offend someone intentionally for one reason or another, your husband just isn’t on that short list.

  2. Just because I know it would drive you bat shit crazy if you knew, ” Well, I been disappointing my father for years”. I’ve not I.

    Stop fucking doubting yourself and making excuses. If you haven’t already, I’m a little behind in reading and listening to your stuff, try out some of your material in your podcast.

    Also, you might be able to get the same results from Thrive by purchasing a combination of the vitamins, supplements and whatnot else where. Just an idea.


    1. That’s the kinda bullshit that happens when I write like I talk. It shall be repaired and thanks for being the grammar nazi’s grammar nazi.

      Haven’t lost focus or the determinatiin, I’ve just chosen to take a different path to the same destination. I’ll be on stage in the near future if it kills me, and it very well may, but I’m getting there, dammit!

      Definitely looking into a Thrive option that’s not as expensive. Will let you know what concoction I come up with.

      (Heh, I said “cock”.)

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