Spank the Stigma!

Anti-abortion demonstrators hold signs during a Priests for Life protest outside the US Court of Appeals for the DC Circuit Court as the Court hears the oral arguments in the "Priests for Life v. US Department of Health and Human Services (HHS)" case in Washington, DC, on May 8, 2014. The case centers around the HHS mandate in the Affordable Care Act, known as Obamacare, that religious organizations must cover contraceptions and abortion as part of their health insurance benefits, even if that goes against the organization's religious beliefs. AFP PHOTO / Saul LOEB        (Photo credit should read SAUL LOEB/AFP/Getty Images)

I know, I’ve got a lot of gall disappearing for weeks on end, then upon my (probably brief) return, I turn around and ask you all for a favor.

That’s what I’m doing, though.

Trust me, it’s a good cause, and probably a cause close to everyone’s heart.

So let me get to the matter at hand.  (That’ll be funny in a minute.)

Thanks to the wonderful world of Facebook, it came to my attention that there is particular set of the pro-life group that has decided that every single sperm, EVER is a life.  Or potential life.  Or something.  I’m so confused by the absurdity of the whole movement that I can’t see straight.

Of course, being who I am, the first thing that came to mind was Monty Python, because they had this idea first.

Then, like every jackass with an uninformed opinion, I shared the post on my Facebook page with the usual amount of sarcasm and self-righteousness.

Then I actually read the damn thing and discovered that the sarcasm and self-righteousness was well deserved.

Then I posted my own petition as a counter to the anti-spank campaign.

You may sign it here.

Then, while pondering the absolute absurdity of the entire idea, not to mention the ridiculously inaccurate medical information, I had to believe that 85,000 people could not possibly be this goddamn stupid.

Then I thought about who our presidential candidates are and concluded that 85,000 isn’t even a drop in the bucket . . . but I digress.

Thankfully, Snopes proved that the anti-spankers were indeed, non-existent.  I mean, there probably are people out there that believe that bullshit.  I’m sure Westboro Baptist Church has an opinion on the matter that is wrong.

At any rate, I still think my petition is a good idea.  Please give it some support and pass it around.  Who knows, maybe it will alert the attention of actual people that think this way and give us something else to make fun of.

Because the Trump and Hillary jokes are getting old already.

Join the movement and SPANK THE STIGMA!!

I’m running for President again

It’s been just over 4 months since I’ve posted.  Doesn’t come anywhere close to my record of 4 years between posts, but a long time nonetheless.  I’m still trying to decide if it is lack of motivation, lack of interest or lack of anything I deem as interesting to say.  I’m sure it’s a combination of all three, but one thing that it is NOT is me having gone off the deep end . . . again.

I am still clean and sober (and that’s been for over a year now).  I still work for peanuts and live paycheck to paycheck and sometimes not even that well, and if it weren’t for Liz’s generosity, I’d be living on the street.

. . . but I’m sober, and I’m ok.

I’m still fighting to find a decent job that I can actually live off of on my own.  It’s a fight that still seems futile at times.  Occasionally I see a light at the end of the tunnel but I have become accustomed to walking against the wall of the tunnel because of the frequency with which it is a train.  I’m still holding out hope that one of these days that novel that I have trapped in my head somewhere is going to actually find its way to an actual page and make me the tens of dollars I need to support myself.

Maybe someday I’ll even find out what it’s about.

I’m not doing the Uber thing anymore, and not because I didn’t enjoy it.  I didn’t, but that is beside the point.  Fact is, they just dropped the rates so low that it is impossible to make any money at it.  Sure, you’ll still find drivers that say they make gobs of money every week doing it, but those are the drivers that haven’t sat down and figured out their expenses and vehicle wear and tear yet.  Boy, are they going to be disappointed when they figure that out.

Now I’m working with a company that delivers cars for Enterprise, car dealerships, etc.  Still a lot of driving, but I spend most of my time alone (as I should be) and I’m not using my own gas.  I also drive primarily brand new cars and some damn nice ones at that.  Cars, that at this time in my life, I can only dream of affording.

I spend quite a bit of that time thinking about what I should be here writing about, and what makes me sad is that in the past 4 months, I haven’t come up with anything good.  I listen to the radio and I just hear about the incredible amount of bullshit going on in the world around me.  I thank God for my antidepressants and wonder when I’m going to have to ask for them to be stronger.

It’s an election year and I labor over which I’m going to vote for, cancer, syphilis, or execution by firing squad, because those seem to be the only choices we are being given.  A few years ago, I even offered myself up as a Presidential candidate but everyone thought it was a joke and we all laughed about it.

 

Who's laughin' now?
Who’s laughin’ now?

So I’ve decided to solve several problems at once and offer myself up for election again.  I’ve been looking for a decent job, and hell, if we’re worried about skeletons in the closet, I’ve posted most of them right here anyway.

Yes, I inhaled and yes, I had sex with that woman.  Also, I don’t remember the better part of the late 80’s and early 90’s, so there is that as well.

I am hereby offering myself as your favorite write-in vote for President of the United States and announce my new campaign slogan:

I GIVE NO FUCKS!!

Do you have a penis and wish you had a vagina?  Do you have a vagina and wish you had a penis?  Do you have to go to the bathroom?  – As long as you don’t piss on the floor, I don’t give a fuck where you choose to go to the bathroom!

Did a police officer order you to stop and you did not stop?  You get SHOT, I don’t give a fuck what color you are!

Did you enter someone’s home without their permission and get yourself shot?  Then you committed a crime and you are stupid and I hope it killed you.  I don’t give a fuck what kind of neighborhood you grew up in, breaking and entering being a crime HAS NOT BEEN KEPT A SECRET FROM YOU!!

Do you live in another country and want to become a US Citizen?  I’m all for it and we welcome you and after you learn English and become ready to pay taxes like every other citizen in the US, we’ll let you in, not before.  I don’t give a fuck what country you’re coming from.

Do you believe in changing the laws to fit your religious beliefs?  Then you will go to a country in which that is acceptable practice.  We (supposedly) separate church and state in the US.  I don’t give a fuck if that is how they did it in your country.  If things were so good in your country, why did you leave?

Do you think you should get $15 an hour to work at McDonald’s?  I’ll tell you what we’ll do; if you can write me a 1500 word essay on why you should get $15 an hour working at McDonald’s that has no misspelled words or grammatical errors in it, then you can get paid $15 an hour to work at McDonald’s.  I don’t give a fuck what you think you deserve just for showing up to work.

The income of professional athletes will be taxed at a rate of 90%, no exceptions.  This money will go directly into the military payroll and be distributed equally among all military service men and women.  I don’t give a fuck that you made it to the Super Bowl, give me a shout when you’re overseas dodging bullets.

Common Core math is to be eliminated.  8+5 = 13, 8+5 does NOT equal 10 and then add 3 later because the extra 3 was in the way and you only needed the 10.  “ish” is not a math term.  We don’t add 10+12 to get 20ish.  This isn’t math, it’s fucking witchcraft and it is lazy as hell.  If I hit you 8 times with a bat and 5 times with a brick, the medical examiner will not document that you were struck 10ish times, I don’t give a fuck when you lost consciousness.  George Orwell did not invent math, he wrote fiction.

This teacher should be beaten with a brick.
This teacher should be beaten with a brick.

Yes, you will take a drug test on a regular basis to qualify for Food Stamp and Welfare benefits and you will have to pass it with flying colors.  I don’t give a fuck if you think it will be too expensive.  I’m willing to bet the money saved on NOT giving benefits to people spending it on their local street corner will make it pay for itself.  Go ahead and bitch.  The only ones that will complain are the ones that know they wont pass.

All of congress, senate, house of representatives and supreme court justices are fired.  I don’t give a fuck how long you’ve been there or what ‘great things” you think you have done.  You’re all gone and a whole new set of people are to be elected.  No one over the age of 40 is permitted to run.

I know there is much, much more that needs to be covered, but I think that is good enough to start a platform.  Are there any other issues you want me to tackle?  Put ’em in the comments below.  Let’s show the world in 2016 that America doesn’t Give a Fuck!

I’m pissed, and you should be too

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I just want to know at what point the not-as-stupid among us starts to actually stand up and collectively declare,

WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK, PEOPLE?!?

Have we as a society completely lost our friggin’ minds?

Two young people, both just beginning their lives were murdered today.  Live, on the air as they were doing a newscast.  It’s unheard of.  It defies logic and any sense of decency any of us were ever taught.  My heart breaks for those two people.

Alison Parker and Adam Ward.  Let’s remember their names.

The murderer doesn’t even deserve to have a name, and I will not mention it.

Of course, his name doesn’t really matter anyway because our illustrious Commander in Chief wasted NO time whatsoever, blaming the fucking gun.

This jackass was angry and felt like he’d been done wrong and he was out for revenge and he wanted these people dead.

Not hurt, not disabled for life, not traumatized for life . . . he wanted them DEAD.

Perhaps if we had strict gun control and he had not been able to get a gun at all, he would have said to himself, “Aw, damn.  Oh well, nevermind then.  I’ll just go get some ice cream.”

Yeah, that’s how it would have gone down, I’m sure.

Because the Boston Marathon bombers wouldn’t have . . . wait, they didn’t have a gun.  They had a backpack and a pressure cooker.

Well, 9/11 never would have happened if . . . wait, they didn’t have guns either.  They killed 3000+ people with fucking box cutters.

This isn’t about gun control.  Not really.  I have my opinion on it and you have yours.  As far as I’m concerned, they should just hand out free guns to everyone and let the criminals roll the dice every time they decide they want to rob or kill someone.

That’s not wreckless, that’s natural selection.

Had someone (or more than one someone) in that movie theater in Denver had a concealed (or not concealed, whatever) gun on them, do you think 12 people would be dead and 70 injured?  No, I’m pretty sure the body count would have been much lower and his stupid ass would have been included in that number.

But no, the law abiding citizens followed the rules and didn’t bring a firearm into a movie theater.  That worked out well for them.

Now we get to clothe, feed and house the asshole for the next 12 lifetimes plus 3318 years.

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                                    Really?

Or until he gets shived.

Ok, so let’s drop the gun control part of it and follow the other all-too-common road we’ve been going down lately and throw down a race card.  Yeah, that one came up today too.  This dick thought he was a victim of racism.  He was also gay and thought he was discriminated against because of that too.

This stupid prick hit the political bullshit trifecta today.

I haven’t mentioned what race he was.  Mostly because I don’t care.  Psycho-jackass is color blind.

What really makes me upset is that it’s my generation that has raised them.

My no spanking, don’t hurt anybody’s feelings, don’t be offensive to anyone or anything, just keep your opinions to yourself, politically motherfucking correct generation.

Fuck that.  I’ve had enough.

Please, don’t spank your children.  It will traumatize them and turn them into violent criminals.

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Instead, give them a time-out and just say no and you’ll raise these fine, upstanding citizens.

While you’re at it, teach your daughters that their body is something that our sons can’t control themselves over (because they learned respect by staring into the corner), and therefore you girls should hide your bodies so as not to be a distraction.

Because that is so much easier than teaching your sons not to be dicks.

Just be careful not to hurt anyone’s feelings.

Just let criminals commit their crimes so they will go away, but for the love of God don’t shoot them, especially if they are of a different race because that would hurt their feelings.

Amen, Brother!  Preach!
Amen, Brother! Preach!

This is what we’ve come to.

What is wrong with us that we’re allowing this to happen?  Are we really letting all this shit slide by?

Veterans are homeless, living in the streets, begging for food, waiting for benefits that never seem to come because of bureaucratic red tape . . . but goddamn, don’t let an illegal immigrant go without insurance and a drivers license.

37 million cheaters are uncovered on Ashley Madison, but for cryin’ out loud, don’t let gay people get married.

The Department of Homeland Security’s number one threat is . . . wait for it . . .

Veterans??

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Oh wait, my bad.  “Disgruntled Veterans”.  Hint:  The only veterans that aren’t disgruntled, are dead.

Also, if you support a third-party candidate you are also a threat, so no matter how much you agree with him, you are a terrorist if you vote for Deez Nuts.

Take a look at that list.  The way they have it laid out, every single American citizen that doesn’t hold a political office (and most of those count too) is a terrorist threat.

Don’t worry about that, though.

Let’s all stand up and get mad because some jackass made a Caitlyn Jenner Halloween costume instead.

The real crime here is that the fucking thing is $65 on sale.
The real crime here is that the fucking thing is $65 on sale.

We’ll worry over this earth-shattering topic rather than “disgruntled” veterans that are “disgruntled” about the takeover of the US.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that what we joined the fucking military to prevent?

Maybe it’s just me that had that impression.

Of course, after this post, I’m definitely on their list if I wasn’t already because of my veteran status (the “disgruntled” is implied).  I’ve already mentioned illegal immigrants and I’ll just go ahead and say that I believe in the rights given to my by the Constitution and those two things are clearly no-no’s on the DHS list of shit you shouldn’t do.

I’ve got a right to say all this.  First Amendment and Freedom of Speech and all that shit, or did they slide that out from under us while we weren’t looking too.

No, they couldn’t have, because it was perfectly acceptable for people to take pictures of this detective who was beat nearly to death with his own gun because the environment has been created where he was afraid to shoot a man that was attacking him.  It was acceptable for people to do nothing to help this man while they berated him and posted pics of him on social media while they talked trash about him.

That’s Freedom of Speech, if I’m not mistaken.

Or did we just not say anything about it because we didn’t want to hurt their feelings?

officerhesitate

2016 is our chance to clean the bullshit out of our political offices and put this country back in the hands of the people it belongs to.

Us.

Don’t demand Hillary.  Don’t demand Donald.

Demand someone that actually represents  . . . Us.

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I have a Twitter hater now – I’m somebody!

twitterhate

Not much happened this weekend, but a lot did too.  I’ve been doing some “behind the scenes” tweaks here and there for the blog like getting some junk cleared out to lighten the amount of space I’m taking up on my server and did pretty good since I cut about 2/3 of that used space down.  I had collected a lot of junk and multiple copies of the same image and images I just plain didn’t use anymore and cleaning all that out dropped that server space down considerably.

As in, I have 1000MB of space on my server and I was already using 909MB of it.  I now have it down to 256MB and my blog isn’t broken, so I’m calling it a solid win.  I also upgraded to the newest version of WordPress while having a panic attack over all the BACKUP ALL YOUR SHIT FIRST warnings and still came out unbroken, so it was a behind the scenes win all around. Read the rest . . .

Nope, this isn’t the Mother’s Day post I promised

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That will come tomorrow.  Because right now it is 11:30 in Colorado, so it’s still Saturday and it doesn’t count.  I don’t care that it’s 1:30 am in North Carolina.  I’m not there and you’re asleep, so neither do you.  But this is fun, so I wanna share it.

My friend and one of my saviors, Amy, posted this on Facebook today, and it was friggin’ hilarious. Read the rest . . .

Please find me offensive, you’ll be doing me a favor

This post is going to be short and probably not-so-sweet.

As you well know by now, there are a handful of blogs that I check every single day.  I’ve mentioned them dozens of times and I have a great deal of respect for all of them.  Not the least of them has been TheBloggess.  Yesterday, she made a post, a short post, simply meant to be a silly little joke directed at a form-letter pitch she got from a sugar company asking her to write a limerick about their sugar. Read the rest . . .

This post has a picture of boobies in it!

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Ok, so I changed the look of the blog again.  Don’t worry, someday I’ll settle on something I like and everything will be in the exact place I want it and be easy to find and it will be perfect.

Today is not that day.

Although I would be quite pleased with the look of the last theme combined with the functionality of this one.

Or something with boobies on it.  “Click the nipple to see my Top 10 posts!”  It would be filled with awesome and I would be the first person ever to be banned from WordPress.  Then I’d get a FOX news interview with the Go The Fuck To Sleep children’s book guy talking about how we just say out loud what we’re thinking.  We’d then be countered by some other guy accusing us  of racism or terrorism or getting in the Express Lane with more than 20 items and I’d be controversial.  People would surf the net looking for archived screenshots of my boobie blog and I would be famous! Read the rest . . .