Trying to keep my standards low

low standards

Since we’re all pretty much drowning in New Year’s resolution bullshit all over the interwebs and bloggerwebs and where the hell ever else it always pops up this time of year, I’ll just stick to this as my resolution for 2016:

Keep my standards low.

Or as @RageMilchele helped me put it . . . May 2016 not suck as much as 2015.

One need only look back at my posts over the course of 2015 to see that there was, to put it insanely lightly, room for improvement.

Pretty much just staying sober this year is going to make that exponentially possible, and thanks to the Parade of Asshats that pass through my Uber every weekend – reminding me why I don’t want to drink, I’m thinking that is going to be pretty easy to do.

That and not forgetting to keep the happy pill prescription refilled.

So this year I’ve decided to start some new things.  I’ve started another blog that I will not advertise here as I’ve made no secret of my real name here and I am unable to stake a public claim to the new blog at this point.  (Requests from people I know will be honored if you’d like to see the project, though.)  I’ve also put some work into another project I’d like to complete that will take a couple of years or more to finish, but it is something I have always wanted to do, and it ain’t cheap either, as it involves a visit to Auschwitz.

Yes, THAT Auschwitz.
Yes, THAT Auschwitz.

Don’t let my absence make you believe I haven’t been keeping myself occupied.  I’ve even been writing stuff.

I’ve been writing stuff and I have Fallout 4 on my Xbox One and if any of you knows of the video game crack that is Fallout 4, then you understand that getting anything written is nothing short of a miracle.

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It occurred to me that I should update my subscribers as to my whereabouts, so first things first, I went to check and see if I still had any.  I do, so score one for 2016.  Then it occurred to me that I have no idea what to update you about, because there is so much to share and most of it is lame.  So I figured I’d go to my phone and see what I’ve taken pics of over the last couple months . . . I mean, I took the pics for a reason, right?

Here’s what came up:

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I’m a male and apparently that means we are automatically attracted to things that light up, so somewhere around the end of November, I put underglow on my car, so there is your upcoming post about the traffic ticket I’m inevitably going to get.

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In the beginning of December, Liz had to take a business trip to Arizona.  Upset about having to leave her Cadillac behind and go across the country, she made sure to send me a picture of the rental car she had to “slum it” in while she was there.  Poor thing.

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I made chicken noodle soup . . . with matzo balls.  From motherfucking SCRATCH, Yo!  That’s right.  I started with a pot of water and a raw chicken and by the time I was done, good shit had happened.  What that means for you is that another one of my almost famous, perverted as fuck, recipes (My God, was that more than a year ago already?!) is going to be posted soon, so get ready to choke a chicken!

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I also learned out to make one of my most favoritest things ever that my mom and grandma ever made for me.  I could eat this every day until I die (which would not take long) and be happy.  They are called Rouladen for those of you that are connoisseurs of German food and they involve BACON, so, ’nuff said.  This also means that there will be another perverted recipe coming up in the future, so if you’ve never smeared mustard all over your meat, get ready for some FUN!

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I got into yet another pissing contest with Uber.  Not so much a pissing contest as I not-so-politely pointed out some issues with their policies and they responded by blowing sunshine up my ass.  It wasn’t even real sunshine.  It was fake sunshine and that shit hurts.

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I found an invisible lizard.  Well, maybe not invisible, but it was see-through.  You could see its little lungs and heart and shit.  I’d never seen one like that before and he let me get really close to him to take the picture.  I’m guessing that would be because he was over there going “Ha!  I’m invisible!  You can’t see me!  Fuck off!”  Stupid lizard.

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Two weeks ago, I cleaned out the refrigerators.  Yes, refrigerators, plural.  There’s one in the garage.  I found this in the garage refrigerator.  Yes, two weeks ago.  Yes, that meat had expired 49 weeks prior.  Nobody in this house is proud that we let that happen, but in our defense, it was in the back of a drawer.  A drawer that we did not dare open, until two weeks ago.  Now we know why.  I’m almost mad that I didn’t let it slide another couple weeks just so I could brag about the full year.

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Given that the lamb chops were out of the question, I decided to have spaghetti instead.  That started off well after discovering that the box was in the closet upside-down.  Thank you to Teri of Snarkfest for letting me know that I am not the only person who has done this.  It was angel hair, too.  I’m gonna be finding that shit for weeks.

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Somewhere in there, I learned that this was the first profile photo I ever used on Facebook.  I’d like to recreate it but I’m not willing to go to Michigan for the tree, so I’ll have to do it somewhere around here with a palm tree.  Bald vs Ponytail.  Glasses vs no glasses.  Single vs married.  Still goddamn gorgeous.

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Finally, I got to experience one of the updates to the Uber driver app . . . at least for a couple of hours while I was on a trip to Orlando . . . they show us the comments that our riders give us, and as you can see, I fake not being an asshole pretty good sometimes!

With that, I’ll give it a rest.  Not that I don’t have any more pictures, but some things are just better left unseen.

I’ve had a few interesting Uber riders to tell you about on top of everything else I’ve got going on, so look forward to seeing those as well as the recipes and whatever other nonsense I can come up with. . . . but let’s keep this interesting:

What weird, boring shit do you have hidden in your phone’s photos?  C’mon . . .  go ahead . . .  you can tell us!

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I even made it so you can add an image to your comment, right under the Submit button and above the CommentLuv button . . . you have no excuses!!

Except litigation.  Litigation is an excuse.

Thanks to all you hanger-oners!!

Boy’s Kitchen, with Gordon Foxworthy

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I just want to give a shout out to everyone that read and commented on my last post, Bacon Physics:  Apparently it’s a thing.  There were some awesome comments and a lot of readers and I had a lot of fun being there to witness the confusion of Boy and Girl and the resulting hilarity.  Given the visitor stats for the rest of the week, it was clear I peaked too early this week.

So, I’m gonna kick it up a notch and invite some reader input that will culminate in another post next week.

By the way, if you want to participate today and you have not read the previous post, I highly recommend you go back and do so for this to make any sense.  Go ahead and click the link.  I made it open in a new tab so this one doesn’t go away.

Go ahead.  We’ll wait. Read the rest . . .