Phrases with FedEx


No, no, no . . . your eyes do not deceive you.  I’m here, and I’m making a post and when even She who shall not be named that has not written a post since November 10th but her name is TheRavingPleb starts giving me shit about how long it has been since I wrote one, well then I guess it’s time.<!–more– Read the rest . . . >

But let’s face it.  It was the holidays.  Shit was busy.  People traveled.  Everybody ate, drank and was merry.

For all of you people that work in retail, I’M SOOOOOO SORRY!!  It’s over now.  Take a breath.  You can relax until next year.  I have been there and done that.  They should have a Retail Workers Day just like Veteran’s Day.  Restaurants give you free meals.  They have parades.  You sit around and trade war stories about all the complete dicks you’ve met over the years.


I get it guys and girls, I really do.  I feel for you and I can relate to you and my therapy is ongoing.  You have my respect.

I shop on Amazon.

You’re welcome.

Because I’m one of those dicks.

I’m about to prove it.

Today, I am FedEx’s victim.  I do not feel one. bit. sorry. that I did not go down quietly either.  Because I lost my battle as I knew I would.  It wasn’t about whether I was going to win it anyway.  It was the principal.

. . . . and I made sure every last goddamn FedEx employee in this hemisphere heard about it.

You see, I upgraded my phone last week.  I upgraded from the iPhone 5S to the iPhone 6Plus.

At least I think I did.

I’ll find out when FedEx releases the hostage.

AT&T sent it out to FedEX.  THAT DAY.

FedEx picked it up and took it to the distribution facility in Ft. Worth, Texsucks, THAT DAY.

FedEx then transported it 1,145 miles to Tampa, FL, THE NEXT DAY.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is where it has sat for the last THREE DAYS.

Because apparently the LAST 10 MILES IS REALLY KICKING THEIR ASS!!!

Let me share my frustration with you by showing you the tracking of this package with some images I took using the iPhone 5S I STILL FUCKING HAVE!!  (Ahem . . . sorry.)


I see here that my package is here.  In Tampa.  That is where I definitely am.  Trust me.  It took me 14.5 hours to drive here the weekend after Christmas.  I am definitely in fucking Tampa.  There are 4 arrows spread across 2 days up there to prove it.

But wait, what is this somewhat faded gray text I see there?  “Package not due for delivery”

What is this mysterious due date?  The package was sent 2 Day Delivery.  It was sent on Friday.  It is now Monday.  By my count, that is 3 days, and even if I give you Sunday, it’s still 2 days.  So near as I can tell, it is most definitely due for delivery.  You don’t get credit for Saturday too because . . . it is very clear you people were working.  Hell, you managed to get the damn thing from Memphis to Tampa that day, so you’re busted.  You were working.  The USPS was working and so was UPS.  All those years I worked retail and I worked Saturday, you can bet your sweet ass I was working, so FUCK YOU, you do not get credit for Saturday.

Besides . . . it’s HERE!!  What’s the hold up?  It’s a 2 lb package that’s smaller than a bread box that someone apparently acknowledged its existence at 7:22 this friggin’ morning!

And by acknowledged, I mean, looked at, scanned and went “Yeah . . . fuck you Mr. iPhone guy.”


So, I’m a dick.  And I called FedEx.  Screaming several obscenities later at the automated system (much to the amusement of both of my bosses), I finally reached a live human being.  I think she was alive.  I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt.

Me:  “I’d like to arrange to pick up my package today.  Tracking number is xxxxxxx.”

FedEx Rep:  “I’m sorry, Sir, that package isn’t available for customer pickup.”

Me:  “It’s in Tampa, correct?”

FER:  “Yes, Sir.”

Me:  “I’m in Tampa and I have a reliable vehicle, so what exactly makes it unavailable for customer pickup?  Is it being held for evidence in some sort of crime?”

FER:  “No, Sir.  The shipper requested it be delivered to the recipients address only.”

Me:  “Odd, I don’t remember hearing that, so fine, then can you tell me why it isn’t out on the truck for delivery since it has been here for two days already?”

FER:  “The package is not scheduled for delivery until tomorrow before 8 pm.”

Me:  “Please tell me where I can find this ‘scheduled delivery time’.  I don’t see this anywhere on the tracking info.”

FER:  “You’ll find it near the top, Sir, right under the Ship date.”

Me:  “I see an ‘Estimated delivery date’.  I don’t see a scheduled delivery date.”

FER:  “Yes Sir, that’s it.”

Me:  “No Ma’am, it isn’t.  That is in an estimated delivery date.  Where is the SCHEDULED delivery date?”

FER:  “It is the same thing, Sir.”

Me:  “I don’t want to be rude and accuse you of anything, but maybe English isn’t your first language?”

FER:  “English is the only language I speak, Sir.”

Me:  “Ok, then can we go over the VERY DIFFERENT definitions of ‘Estimated’ and ‘Scheduled’, because by my last check, ‘Estimated’ is defined as an approximate guess, a limit within which something can be achieved.  In this case, I would assume a point beyond which FedEx would find the delivery unacceptable. A goal that is easily achieved in this case because the package is 10 goddamn miles from my house.”

FER:  “I’m sorry, Sir, your package will be delivered tomorrow before 8:00 pm.”

Me:  “That’s it, huh?  ‘Your package will be delivered tomorrow.’  Not, what can FedEx do to make this right for you?  Not, I will contact the proper people about correcting the wording on the tracking page.  You’re not even going to offer me info on where I can go to file a complaint?  Just, the very transparent “I’m tired of listening to you now and I don’t care that you’re upset with our service and I’m going to be late for lunch if you don’t shut up soon so please fuck off?”

FER:  “There is nothing I could do for you, Sir.  The package is containerized and can’t be accessed until tomorrow.”

Me:  “Containerized??  So, you’ve made a fancy term for ‘it’s back there in a box’.  Who was it that ‘accessed’ it this morning at 7:22 long enough to ignore it?”

FER:  “I’m sorry, Sir, there is nothing more I can do.”

Me:  “I think it’s cute how you said “more” like you’ve done anything at this point.  You’ve not even bothered to point me in the proper direction as to who I should complain to.  I’m sorry to have wasted my time, but at least I could make you look busy in front of the boss for a while.”

……..aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I hung up.

Much to her relief, I am sure.

Then, I sent an email to the complaint people after I searched the internet for the FedEx complaint department.

I was nice.  -ish

By nice, I mean I didn’t use any profanity.

That kinda nice.

It went something like this:

I felt the need to write and express my frustration with the tracking and handling of this package and those of other packages I have had delivered through FedEx in the past, mainly with the wording used on the tracking web page itself. You have tomorrow listed there as the “Estimated” delivery date, which would be fine if I couldn’t also see through the tracking that my package has been here in town for two days already, and now you’re sucking up a third day because FedEx doesn’t seem to consider this date an “estimate” but rather a set in stone “scheduled” delivery date. Then when I call to ask if I can come and pick the package up, I’m told I can’t because the package is “containerized” and I will have to wait because of a condition set forth by the sender.
My problem lies not with the condition set by the sender, nor even with the package being held until tomorrow. I am upset with the choice of words used on the tracking page in a deceptive way. “Estimate” to me, implies that the date is a “guess” or a “no later than” time frame. So when I look at the tracking info and see that the package has arrived in my town two days ago, I SHOULD feel somewhat confident that my package would arrive today, in fact THREE days after a TWO day delivery, but I’ll chalk that up to the weekend. The fact is, it won’t because the “estimated” date does seem to be a “scheduled” date as far as FedEx is concerned.
So, my question, or maybe request, is this: Change the wording of “estimated” to “scheduled”, or if the deception is more what you want to stick with, at least don’t be so bold as to show me that it takes you longer to get the package to go the last 10 miles than it does to go the first 1000 miles, then give me the seemingly standardized response that the package is “containerized” and I am not able to pick it up. This isn’t the first time this has happened to me with FedEx and my trust in your company has severely been broken as a result.
This practice is unacceptable and I think a professional company should better be able to conduct themselves with their customers to maintain a solid relationship.

It’s reasonable, right?

I should also note that I sent this email to Denise so she could check it out, and being just as fucked up as I am, she pasted that fucker right into MS Word to get a word count and immediately laughed at me for using 399 words to complain about FedEx’s misuse of ONE word.

Which I would have thought was funny too except my OCD twisted sideways on the fact that it was 399 words and I had to find a way to correct it to an even 400.

At which point she accused me of bringing it home and turning it into a 1000 word blog post too.

Well, she was WRONG!

1733 as of this word.

We pick our battles.  I picked this one.  I lost.  Sue me.

I’m back and I’ll write more because I got all kinds of shit to tell you about and things I have been working on.  The holidays are over and it’s time to get serious again.  Or not serious, depending on how you look at it.  It’ll be fun.

I even have for all you old school followers . . . . a quick Christmas story about . . .  my DAD!!

In the meantime, I’ve got to crash.  I have an early appointment with the doc tomorrow to talk about my sleep apnea.  Which I was told I had to correct over Christmas.

By Denise.  When I was sleeping with her.

Yeah, you read that right.

All you dimestore Nostradamus’s should be happy now.



Merry Christmas and Happy New Year all you freaks!!

Facebook Post of the Day is cancelled today due to I didn’t wanna look for that shit . . .

on my iPhone 5S goddammit!!



“Like a fucking angel but with curse words and prescription drugs”


Yep, that’s me!

Quite possibly the greatest compliment I’ve ever received since starting this blog ever.  Left to me in a comment yesterday by the yet another new woman I am in love with, @RavingPleb at, of course, The Raving Pleb.  I was so touched I had to Tweet it immediately . . . and post it on both my personal Facebook page and the Opticynicism Facebook page.  It was so fucking beautiful, I just had to make it the title of tonight’s post, because aside from still being a relatively boring day yet again, things actually kinda went ok for me today.  So to start the day with that compliment, it simply gave a little foreshadowing to the rest of the day. Read the rest . . .

Wednesday (The “jackshit” is now implied)


It was another one of those days that not a goddamn thing happened that went the way it should.

Well, there was one thing and this shout out is special to me because I ran across her blog and she’s funny and brilliant and she had few Twitter followers and all of her posts were fantastic and NONE of them had any comments on them.  The whole thing made me said because she was so incredibly funny and bright and it reminded me of how my blog used to be.

You know, like a week ago. Read the rest . . .

Save me some time and combine the misery

This isn't too far off of my mindset right now.
This isn’t too far off of my mindset right now.

Now that things seem to be settling down a little bit, at least with the website at least, I’m gonna try to get back to the funneh.  So let me tell you a little bit about the experiences I’ve been going through since my arrival in Florida.

First things first, let me express my gratitude to my great friend Liz who has provided me with a roof over my head, food and invaluable assistance in making my way through the VA system.

A system which is neither efficient nor quick.  It also lacks any semblance of common fucking sense.  You see, I’m going through them to get my treatment for depression, my vision (or lack thereof) and some anxiety (both pre-existing and actually being caused by the system and the Florida DMV) and my otherwise general health. Read the rest . . .

When good technology goes bad


If it is electronic, has to be charged and/or plugged in, provides me with contact with the outside world and cost me a paycheck or several, it turned its back on me this week.  To make matters worse, it all seemed to happen at one time.

Sometimes we have issues with our devices, and I totally expect it.  I’ve prepared myself for it by learning about them and what to do when things go wrong.  This week, they tested me.  I still don’t know if I failed or not because I don’t think the test is over yet. Read the rest . . .

We saw this coming, and I’m not talking about Irene


I saw it, every one of you that read my post the other day saw it, Emo-Boy cashier at the convenience store saw it . . . everyone but my father saw it.

My mother’s dance of happiness in the kitchen the other night was not in vain.  Friday morning they awoke to a wet kitchen floor and a warm refrigerator.  It could take no more and apparently was ready to give me the satisfaction of putting a final chapter on this saga.  The refrigerator was dead and it was going to stay that way this time.  Luckily it went out with some class and simply defrosted onto the floor, because my father paid no mind to the story I relayed to him from a good friend of mine who had lost an entire family of close relatives to a house fire that was ignited by a faulty refrigerator.  That wouldn’t happen to him because he’s too smart for that. Read the rest . . .

Please find me offensive, you’ll be doing me a favor

This post is going to be short and probably not-so-sweet.

As you well know by now, there are a handful of blogs that I check every single day.  I’ve mentioned them dozens of times and I have a great deal of respect for all of them.  Not the least of them has been TheBloggess.  Yesterday, she made a post, a short post, simply meant to be a silly little joke directed at a form-letter pitch she got from a sugar company asking her to write a limerick about their sugar. Read the rest . . .

I have stalkers, and they stink


I know, I know . . . I’ve been slacking.  I’ve been waiting for the repercussions from my video post.  It went ok, I suppose.  I appreciate all the comments you guys made and attempts to make me not feel quite as silly as I did.  I’d like to say that I scripted it all out, planned and did a dry-run first, going through all the things I wanted to cover, but I can’t say that.  I flipped that iPhone camera lens over to the front side, stood outside the door and pushed record . . . and totally winged it.

Note to self:  Next time, plan ahead.  And shower.

On top of that, I’ve had a total block the last couple of days.  I decided a while back that I wasn’t going to put too much effort into the blog on the weekends because everyone has lives and they want to go out and do things and enjoy their time off and not be in front of the computer, so that is what I did.  I did NOTHING this weekend.  That was sort of the plan.  Relax, chill and just hang out.  Give myself some time to recharge and reflect and maybe dream up some great ideas for some groundbreaking blog posts.

This isn’t one of those. Read the rest . . .

The video blog, poorly executed


So this was a total experiment and I’m pretty sure it sucked, but I had to take a stab at it.  Either because I’m lazy and didn’t want to type, or I totally had nothing, I decided to make my post on video today.  Since so many of you have expressed your enjoyment of my posts about my father, I thought I’d do a little something with that.  So since he is out of town for the weekend, I raided his “Cave” and took you on a little tour.

Oh, and if you happen to be checking this out and you are my brother, totally don’t watch this while dad is down there visiting you this weekend.  😀 Read the rest . . .

I was denied access to the A-List


Surfing through my AT&T account last night on the web, I was looking for a way to change my calling plan a bit.  For one thing, I’d noticed that my bill had been about $25 a month more the last couple of months than it had been for the previous 1+ years.  I was also in search of an alternate “minutes” plan or something that would help out with the extraordinary increase in minutes that we’ve been using lately.

I’ve had a 700 minute a month plan that I shared with my son, Tiger, since I got the phones for us and up until now that has been more than plenty.  In fact, I had pretty close to 5000 minutes stored up in the rollover minutes because we mostly texted.  Then Tiger’s girlfriend happened.  And we fried 700 minutes in the first 4 days of the billing cycle.  Thank God for the rollovers. Read the rest . . .