I’m running for President again

It’s been just over 4 months since I’ve posted.  Doesn’t come anywhere close to my record of 4 years between posts, but a long time nonetheless.  I’m still trying to decide if it is lack of motivation, lack of interest or lack of anything I deem as interesting to say.  I’m sure it’s a combination of all three, but one thing that it is NOT is me having gone off the deep end . . . again.

I am still clean and sober (and that’s been for over a year now).  I still work for peanuts and live paycheck to paycheck and sometimes not even that well, and if it weren’t for Liz’s generosity, I’d be living on the street.

. . . but I’m sober, and I’m ok.

I’m still fighting to find a decent job that I can actually live off of on my own.  It’s a fight that still seems futile at times.  Occasionally I see a light at the end of the tunnel but I have become accustomed to walking against the wall of the tunnel because of the frequency with which it is a train.  I’m still holding out hope that one of these days that novel that I have trapped in my head somewhere is going to actually find its way to an actual page and make me the tens of dollars I need to support myself.

Maybe someday I’ll even find out what it’s about.

I’m not doing the Uber thing anymore, and not because I didn’t enjoy it.  I didn’t, but that is beside the point.  Fact is, they just dropped the rates so low that it is impossible to make any money at it.  Sure, you’ll still find drivers that say they make gobs of money every week doing it, but those are the drivers that haven’t sat down and figured out their expenses and vehicle wear and tear yet.  Boy, are they going to be disappointed when they figure that out.

Now I’m working with a company that delivers cars for Enterprise, car dealerships, etc.  Still a lot of driving, but I spend most of my time alone (as I should be) and I’m not using my own gas.  I also drive primarily brand new cars and some damn nice ones at that.  Cars, that at this time in my life, I can only dream of affording.

I spend quite a bit of that time thinking about what I should be here writing about, and what makes me sad is that in the past 4 months, I haven’t come up with anything good.  I listen to the radio and I just hear about the incredible amount of bullshit going on in the world around me.  I thank God for my antidepressants and wonder when I’m going to have to ask for them to be stronger.

It’s an election year and I labor over which I’m going to vote for, cancer, syphilis, or execution by firing squad, because those seem to be the only choices we are being given.  A few years ago, I even offered myself up as a Presidential candidate but everyone thought it was a joke and we all laughed about it.


Who's laughin' now?
Who’s laughin’ now?

So I’ve decided to solve several problems at once and offer myself up for election again.  I’ve been looking for a decent job, and hell, if we’re worried about skeletons in the closet, I’ve posted most of them right here anyway.

Yes, I inhaled and yes, I had sex with that woman.  Also, I don’t remember the better part of the late 80’s and early 90’s, so there is that as well.

I am hereby offering myself as your favorite write-in vote for President of the United States and announce my new campaign slogan:


Do you have a penis and wish you had a vagina?  Do you have a vagina and wish you had a penis?  Do you have to go to the bathroom?  – As long as you don’t piss on the floor, I don’t give a fuck where you choose to go to the bathroom!

Did a police officer order you to stop and you did not stop?  You get SHOT, I don’t give a fuck what color you are!

Did you enter someone’s home without their permission and get yourself shot?  Then you committed a crime and you are stupid and I hope it killed you.  I don’t give a fuck what kind of neighborhood you grew up in, breaking and entering being a crime HAS NOT BEEN KEPT A SECRET FROM YOU!!

Do you live in another country and want to become a US Citizen?  I’m all for it and we welcome you and after you learn English and become ready to pay taxes like every other citizen in the US, we’ll let you in, not before.  I don’t give a fuck what country you’re coming from.

Do you believe in changing the laws to fit your religious beliefs?  Then you will go to a country in which that is acceptable practice.  We (supposedly) separate church and state in the US.  I don’t give a fuck if that is how they did it in your country.  If things were so good in your country, why did you leave?

Do you think you should get $15 an hour to work at McDonald’s?  I’ll tell you what we’ll do; if you can write me a 1500 word essay on why you should get $15 an hour working at McDonald’s that has no misspelled words or grammatical errors in it, then you can get paid $15 an hour to work at McDonald’s.  I don’t give a fuck what you think you deserve just for showing up to work.

The income of professional athletes will be taxed at a rate of 90%, no exceptions.  This money will go directly into the military payroll and be distributed equally among all military service men and women.  I don’t give a fuck that you made it to the Super Bowl, give me a shout when you’re overseas dodging bullets.

Common Core math is to be eliminated.  8+5 = 13, 8+5 does NOT equal 10 and then add 3 later because the extra 3 was in the way and you only needed the 10.  “ish” is not a math term.  We don’t add 10+12 to get 20ish.  This isn’t math, it’s fucking witchcraft and it is lazy as hell.  If I hit you 8 times with a bat and 5 times with a brick, the medical examiner will not document that you were struck 10ish times, I don’t give a fuck when you lost consciousness.  George Orwell did not invent math, he wrote fiction.

This teacher should be beaten with a brick.
This teacher should be beaten with a brick.

Yes, you will take a drug test on a regular basis to qualify for Food Stamp and Welfare benefits and you will have to pass it with flying colors.  I don’t give a fuck if you think it will be too expensive.  I’m willing to bet the money saved on NOT giving benefits to people spending it on their local street corner will make it pay for itself.  Go ahead and bitch.  The only ones that will complain are the ones that know they wont pass.

All of congress, senate, house of representatives and supreme court justices are fired.  I don’t give a fuck how long you’ve been there or what ‘great things” you think you have done.  You’re all gone and a whole new set of people are to be elected.  No one over the age of 40 is permitted to run.

I know there is much, much more that needs to be covered, but I think that is good enough to start a platform.  Are there any other issues you want me to tackle?  Put ’em in the comments below.  Let’s show the world in 2016 that America doesn’t Give a Fuck!

Trying to keep my standards low

low standards

Since we’re all pretty much drowning in New Year’s resolution bullshit all over the interwebs and bloggerwebs and where the hell ever else it always pops up this time of year, I’ll just stick to this as my resolution for 2016:

Keep my standards low.

Or as @RageMilchele helped me put it . . . May 2016 not suck as much as 2015.

One need only look back at my posts over the course of 2015 to see that there was, to put it insanely lightly, room for improvement.

Pretty much just staying sober this year is going to make that exponentially possible, and thanks to the Parade of Asshats that pass through my Uber every weekend – reminding me why I don’t want to drink, I’m thinking that is going to be pretty easy to do.

That and not forgetting to keep the happy pill prescription refilled.

So this year I’ve decided to start some new things.  I’ve started another blog that I will not advertise here as I’ve made no secret of my real name here and I am unable to stake a public claim to the new blog at this point.  (Requests from people I know will be honored if you’d like to see the project, though.)  I’ve also put some work into another project I’d like to complete that will take a couple of years or more to finish, but it is something I have always wanted to do, and it ain’t cheap either, as it involves a visit to Auschwitz.

Yes, THAT Auschwitz.
Yes, THAT Auschwitz.

Don’t let my absence make you believe I haven’t been keeping myself occupied.  I’ve even been writing stuff.

I’ve been writing stuff and I have Fallout 4 on my Xbox One and if any of you knows of the video game crack that is Fallout 4, then you understand that getting anything written is nothing short of a miracle.


It occurred to me that I should update my subscribers as to my whereabouts, so first things first, I went to check and see if I still had any.  I do, so score one for 2016.  Then it occurred to me that I have no idea what to update you about, because there is so much to share and most of it is lame.  So I figured I’d go to my phone and see what I’ve taken pics of over the last couple months . . . I mean, I took the pics for a reason, right?

Here’s what came up:


I’m a male and apparently that means we are automatically attracted to things that light up, so somewhere around the end of November, I put underglow on my car, so there is your upcoming post about the traffic ticket I’m inevitably going to get.


In the beginning of December, Liz had to take a business trip to Arizona.  Upset about having to leave her Cadillac behind and go across the country, she made sure to send me a picture of the rental car she had to “slum it” in while she was there.  Poor thing.


I made chicken noodle soup . . . with matzo balls.  From motherfucking SCRATCH, Yo!  That’s right.  I started with a pot of water and a raw chicken and by the time I was done, good shit had happened.  What that means for you is that another one of my almost famous, perverted as fuck, recipes (My God, was that more than a year ago already?!) is going to be posted soon, so get ready to choke a chicken!


I also learned out to make one of my most favoritest things ever that my mom and grandma ever made for me.  I could eat this every day until I die (which would not take long) and be happy.  They are called Rouladen for those of you that are connoisseurs of German food and they involve BACON, so, ’nuff said.  This also means that there will be another perverted recipe coming up in the future, so if you’ve never smeared mustard all over your meat, get ready for some FUN!


I got into yet another pissing contest with Uber.  Not so much a pissing contest as I not-so-politely pointed out some issues with their policies and they responded by blowing sunshine up my ass.  It wasn’t even real sunshine.  It was fake sunshine and that shit hurts.


I found an invisible lizard.  Well, maybe not invisible, but it was see-through.  You could see its little lungs and heart and shit.  I’d never seen one like that before and he let me get really close to him to take the picture.  I’m guessing that would be because he was over there going “Ha!  I’m invisible!  You can’t see me!  Fuck off!”  Stupid lizard.


Two weeks ago, I cleaned out the refrigerators.  Yes, refrigerators, plural.  There’s one in the garage.  I found this in the garage refrigerator.  Yes, two weeks ago.  Yes, that meat had expired 49 weeks prior.  Nobody in this house is proud that we let that happen, but in our defense, it was in the back of a drawer.  A drawer that we did not dare open, until two weeks ago.  Now we know why.  I’m almost mad that I didn’t let it slide another couple weeks just so I could brag about the full year.


Given that the lamb chops were out of the question, I decided to have spaghetti instead.  That started off well after discovering that the box was in the closet upside-down.  Thank you to Teri of Snarkfest for letting me know that I am not the only person who has done this.  It was angel hair, too.  I’m gonna be finding that shit for weeks.


Somewhere in there, I learned that this was the first profile photo I ever used on Facebook.  I’d like to recreate it but I’m not willing to go to Michigan for the tree, so I’ll have to do it somewhere around here with a palm tree.  Bald vs Ponytail.  Glasses vs no glasses.  Single vs married.  Still goddamn gorgeous.


Finally, I got to experience one of the updates to the Uber driver app . . . at least for a couple of hours while I was on a trip to Orlando . . . they show us the comments that our riders give us, and as you can see, I fake not being an asshole pretty good sometimes!

With that, I’ll give it a rest.  Not that I don’t have any more pictures, but some things are just better left unseen.

I’ve had a few interesting Uber riders to tell you about on top of everything else I’ve got going on, so look forward to seeing those as well as the recipes and whatever other nonsense I can come up with. . . . but let’s keep this interesting:

What weird, boring shit do you have hidden in your phone’s photos?  C’mon . . .  go ahead . . .  you can tell us!


I even made it so you can add an image to your comment, right under the Submit button and above the CommentLuv button . . . you have no excuses!!

Except litigation.  Litigation is an excuse.

Thanks to all you hanger-oners!!

Insert Lame Excuse Here



What does one say when they have vanished off the blogging globe for over 2 months, with long periods of the site being down during that time?

Nothing.  One says nothing, that’s what he says.

I’ve been trying to get and keep my life on track and it has flipped my circadian rhythm into a design similar to a hurricane on a bad acid trip.

I sleep during the day.  I sleep at night.  I work during the day.  I work at night.  Tomorrow my schedule is . . .

. . . who fuckin’ knows.

That’s the advantage/disadvantage to being an Uber driver.

Yes, I’m still an Uber driver.

No, I have not been hired on at the hospital as of yet and really don’t know when or if it will ever happen.  So I remain an Uber driver.  I make my own schedule.  I work only when I want to work.

Side note:  I NEVER want to work.  So I am frequently forced to tell my own ass to get to work in order to make money, to buy things like gas and tires and car washes, so I can go make more money to buy some more of that shit so I can make more money.

It’s a never-ending, depressing circle really.

In truth, I’m pretty happy with it.  I’m sober and clean and have been for nearly 8 months now and I feel pretty damn good.  I’m back at Liz’s house and have painted and designed my room into a nice little place that I really enjoy spending time in.  It’s all black and gray and blue.

And peaceful.

It’s a nice place to crawl into after a long night of dealing with drunken, asshole, self-absorbed, entitled people Uber customers.  It’s comforting and cool and my little corner of the planet.

Ok, so it’s not cool.  My room is the place that the air conditioner does not go, but I won’t bitch about that because it will make all of my friends from the North start shouting at me to go fuck myself and my first world air conditioner problems.

Yep.  I took that picture 4 days ago.  That's Nov. 5th for those of you that can't math.
Yep. I took that picture 4 days ago. That’s Nov. 5th for those of you that can’t math.

Florida has chosen not to participate in Fall this year.

Winter’s not looking too good either.

All in all, I love my little cave and I am convincing myself to spend more time in it, writing.  I’ve let myself slip away from writing and I need to not do that.

3 Shades of Gray, and a Splash of Blue  (I can't decide if that book title is too long or WAY not safe for work.)
3 Shades of Gray, and a Splash of Blue (I can’t decide if that book title is too long or WAY not safe for work.)

I’ve mentioned in the past how writing is therapy for me and it can be quite dangerous if I stop doing it.  On the upside, my time “Ubering” has me spending a lot of time with drunken idiots and it has served well to remind me why I don’t want to go back to that habit.

There is a reason “”drunken idiot” rolls right off the tongue and “drunken sweetheart” causes this face . . .


Exactly.  It just doesn’t happen.

[Completely random side note:  Does anybody else wonder why this guy doesn't just give those kids some lunch?  I mean, it doesn't look like he's missed a cheeseburger in a while.  Am I the only one?]
[Completely random side note:  Does anybody else wonder why this guy doesn’t just give those kids some lunch?  I mean, it doesn’t look like he’s missed a cheeseburger in a while.  Am I the only one?]
Drunk people are dicks.  Period.  Especially so when they think you are “serving them”.  As though my driving them home so they don’t get arrested somehow makes me their servant to do their bidding.

My cure for this attitude is that I am not opposed to dropping their ass off on the side of the freeway at 3:30 in the morning.  I am doing them a favor.  I am getting them home safely at a cost much cheaper than a taxi, and certainly cheaper than a DUI.  They will sit back there and behave themselves because they are on camera and their extreme state of dickness is being saved for posterity.  And legal reasons.


The sale of dash cams and pepper spray went up exponentially after this video went viral.

Beware drunken fools!!

Like any other customer service job, they aren’t all bad and some of them are even awesome.  This is why the ability to rate the passenger is such a good thing.  We know (somewhat) what kind of customer we are getting before we even go pick them up.


This is what I see when I am called to pick up a ride.  See that little 4.8 * down there?  That is the riders rating.  An average of what other drivers have given him or her.  Be a drunken asshole in my car, you will NOT have a 4.8 rating.

. . . and a word to the wise Uber rider, since there are many of you out there, an Uber driver must maintain a 4.6 rating MINIMUM or they will be deactivated.  It is a common consensus that if we have to have a 4.6, so do you, so if you find at some point that drivers have a habit of cancelling on you, it’s a safe bet you pissed off a driver or two, and we understand the rating system.

That said, most of us put up with a lot of shit before we’ll rate anyone lower than a 5, because we get it, so if a driver rates you a 3, you’re probably just shy of that asshole in that video up there.

That is your Uber lesson for the day.

Don’t be a dick.

I’m sure there will be more lessons in the future.  Don’t even get me started on the tipping issue, just DO IT.  You can tip your Uber 100% and STILL be cheaper than a cab, so you have no excuse.  We are not becoming independently wealthy doing this job.

I’ve rambled enough for today, but I just wanted to let everyone know that I was still around.  I will try to be around more often and I have been paying attention to you all.  I still read your blogs, I still follow you on Facebook and I still love the whole damn bunch of ya.  I know that Aussa quit her job and I will forever miss the tales of the Nut House.  I know Jeff has been schooling us on Panda Express and Chipotle.   I even wonder if Jeff’s WordPress is a dick about the word “chipotle” also.

So I’m here, I really am, and I’m doing really well.  It’s good to be back and I look forward to writing some more.  I’ve got shit to vent about and funny stories to relate as well.

In the meantime, please think about what a funny story my Uber ride with three trans-sexual strip club performers would be and what a shame that there is totally not a video of the entire 30 minute ride in my car.

See ya’ll soon!


I’m pissed, and you should be too



I just want to know at what point the not-as-stupid among us starts to actually stand up and collectively declare,


Have we as a society completely lost our friggin’ minds?

Two young people, both just beginning their lives were murdered today.  Live, on the air as they were doing a newscast.  It’s unheard of.  It defies logic and any sense of decency any of us were ever taught.  My heart breaks for those two people.

Alison Parker and Adam Ward.  Let’s remember their names.

The murderer doesn’t even deserve to have a name, and I will not mention it.

Of course, his name doesn’t really matter anyway because our illustrious Commander in Chief wasted NO time whatsoever, blaming the fucking gun.

This jackass was angry and felt like he’d been done wrong and he was out for revenge and he wanted these people dead.

Not hurt, not disabled for life, not traumatized for life . . . he wanted them DEAD.

Perhaps if we had strict gun control and he had not been able to get a gun at all, he would have said to himself, “Aw, damn.  Oh well, nevermind then.  I’ll just go get some ice cream.”

Yeah, that’s how it would have gone down, I’m sure.

Because the Boston Marathon bombers wouldn’t have . . . wait, they didn’t have a gun.  They had a backpack and a pressure cooker.

Well, 9/11 never would have happened if . . . wait, they didn’t have guns either.  They killed 3000+ people with fucking box cutters.

This isn’t about gun control.  Not really.  I have my opinion on it and you have yours.  As far as I’m concerned, they should just hand out free guns to everyone and let the criminals roll the dice every time they decide they want to rob or kill someone.

That’s not wreckless, that’s natural selection.

Had someone (or more than one someone) in that movie theater in Denver had a concealed (or not concealed, whatever) gun on them, do you think 12 people would be dead and 70 injured?  No, I’m pretty sure the body count would have been much lower and his stupid ass would have been included in that number.

But no, the law abiding citizens followed the rules and didn’t bring a firearm into a movie theater.  That worked out well for them.

Now we get to clothe, feed and house the asshole for the next 12 lifetimes plus 3318 years.


Or until he gets shived.

Ok, so let’s drop the gun control part of it and follow the other all-too-common road we’ve been going down lately and throw down a race card.  Yeah, that one came up today too.  This dick thought he was a victim of racism.  He was also gay and thought he was discriminated against because of that too.

This stupid prick hit the political bullshit trifecta today.

I haven’t mentioned what race he was.  Mostly because I don’t care.  Psycho-jackass is color blind.

What really makes me upset is that it’s my generation that has raised them.

My no spanking, don’t hurt anybody’s feelings, don’t be offensive to anyone or anything, just keep your opinions to yourself, politically motherfucking correct generation.

Fuck that.  I’ve had enough.

Please, don’t spank your children.  It will traumatize them and turn them into violent criminals.

Instead, give them a time-out and just say no and you’ll raise these fine, upstanding citizens.

While you’re at it, teach your daughters that their body is something that our sons can’t control themselves over (because they learned respect by staring into the corner), and therefore you girls should hide your bodies so as not to be a distraction.

Because that is so much easier than teaching your sons not to be dicks.

Just be careful not to hurt anyone’s feelings.

Just let criminals commit their crimes so they will go away, but for the love of God don’t shoot them, especially if they are of a different race because that would hurt their feelings.

Amen, Brother!  Preach!
Amen, Brother! Preach!

This is what we’ve come to.

What is wrong with us that we’re allowing this to happen?  Are we really letting all this shit slide by?

Veterans are homeless, living in the streets, begging for food, waiting for benefits that never seem to come because of bureaucratic red tape . . . but goddamn, don’t let an illegal immigrant go without insurance and a drivers license.

37 million cheaters are uncovered on Ashley Madison, but for cryin’ out loud, don’t let gay people get married.

The Department of Homeland Security’s number one threat is . . . wait for it . . .




Oh wait, my bad.  “Disgruntled Veterans”.  Hint:  The only veterans that aren’t disgruntled, are dead.

Also, if you support a third-party candidate you are also a threat, so no matter how much you agree with him, you are a terrorist if you vote for Deez Nuts.

Take a look at that list.  The way they have it laid out, every single American citizen that doesn’t hold a political office (and most of those count too) is a terrorist threat.

Don’t worry about that, though.

Let’s all stand up and get mad because some jackass made a Caitlyn Jenner Halloween costume instead.

The real crime here is that the fucking thing is $65 on sale.
The real crime here is that the fucking thing is $65 on sale.

We’ll worry over this earth-shattering topic rather than “disgruntled” veterans that are “disgruntled” about the takeover of the US.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that what we joined the fucking military to prevent?

Maybe it’s just me that had that impression.

Of course, after this post, I’m definitely on their list if I wasn’t already because of my veteran status (the “disgruntled” is implied).  I’ve already mentioned illegal immigrants and I’ll just go ahead and say that I believe in the rights given to my by the Constitution and those two things are clearly no-no’s on the DHS list of shit you shouldn’t do.

I’ve got a right to say all this.  First Amendment and Freedom of Speech and all that shit, or did they slide that out from under us while we weren’t looking too.

No, they couldn’t have, because it was perfectly acceptable for people to take pictures of this detective who was beat nearly to death with his own gun because the environment has been created where he was afraid to shoot a man that was attacking him.  It was acceptable for people to do nothing to help this man while they berated him and posted pics of him on social media while they talked trash about him.

That’s Freedom of Speech, if I’m not mistaken.

Or did we just not say anything about it because we didn’t want to hurt their feelings?


2016 is our chance to clean the bullshit out of our political offices and put this country back in the hands of the people it belongs to.


Don’t demand Hillary.  Don’t demand Donald.

Demand someone that actually represents  . . . Us.


Just the tip, I promise


I’m going to let you recover from the vlog and just use my keyboard this time.  It’s also because I’m writing about a subject that is near and dear to me and I’ve seen some comments in other places about this subject that get me a little fired up.

Stabby, as it were.

I’m talking about tipping.

No, not cows.

I mean that little extra cash you leave on the table for a good waiter/waitress that does not leave a DNA sample in your dinner, or pass to your barber for not slicing off your ear . . . . or your driver for not killing you.

I’m bringing the topic up because Uber seems to have left people with the impression that they pay us SO much that riders should not tip because it’s just adding extra gravy to our already overflowing gravy boat.

This assessment would be incorrect.

It was this Huffington Post article that got me started on the subject.  The article itself was ok, it was the comments left on it that poked my sleeping bear.

It only resembled truth before they cut the rates in half in order to drum up business in a “temporary” test.  A temporary test that started nearly 2 years ago and still hasn’t ended.

Uber’s website still encourages its riders not to tip, however.

Ok, it doesn’t encourage not tipping, it gives justification to the “I don’t believe in tipping” crowd.

A screenshot from Uber’s website.

The last sentence should have ended at “your fare is automatically charged to your credit card on file.”


Your FARE is automatically charged to your credit card means just that, your FARE.  While that statement is true, what it leaves out is that there is no gratuity included, and that despite the rate drops, Uber’s cut from the fare did not drop.  There is also no option on the app to add a tip, so the driver isn’t getting one that way either.

By adding “there’s no need to tip”, they may as well have also added “so feel free to be a complete asshole”, because it is my experience that the riders that are the biggest pain in the ass, are also the ones that don’t tip.

Funny how the assholery permeates throughout their entire existence, isn’t it?

Case in point:

I drove a gentleman and his daughter home from the airport to the next city over.  A 71 mile trip at 1:00 in the morning, for which I had to drive the 71 miles back for free.  The man grilled me for 1 hour and 14 minutes about Uber, what working for them was like and what kind of free shit Uber as a corporation might like to do for his organization.  I got my own ass home at around 4:00 in the morning.

No tip.

I drove a guy home from work at 3:30 in the afternoon.  A 1.6 mile trip that took 6 minutes and it cost him $4.67.  Notices my USMC sticker on the car, hands me a $5 bill and says “thanks for your service”.

I would have been happy with a $5 tip from the first guy.  That would have covered most of the gas to get me back home again.

Yet most of us feel like a tool when we don’t tip a cab driver.  Somebody explain that to me.

71 mile trip in my UberX car – $80.59
71 mile trip in a cab – $199.87

. . . and we feel like a tool for not tipping the cabbie.

Even with a 15% tip, the UberX trip would have been $92.68, still less than half the price of a cab before a tip!

With the UberX (Me), he got a clean, air conditioned modern car in excellent mechanical shape, music station of his choice, charger for any possible phone he may have had, a friendly and responsive driver for whom English was his first language, and I never once told him to go fuck himself (that he heard).

What are the odds he’d get all that in the cab?

Funny part is, the local cabbie commission is trying to shut down Uber using the argument that their background checks are better and that people are safer in a taxi cab . . .

 . . . apparently somebody forgot to tell this Stephen Hawking of the cab community.
. . . apparently somebody forgot to tell this Stephen Hawking of the cab community.

Yes, that is a cab driver robbing a bank. We know this because his getaway car WAS HIS FUCKING CAB.

I know, right?!  It’s hard to be hilarious when real life is funnier than I am.

I wonder how many people felt like shit when they couldn’t tip him?

Probably this delusional jackass that responded to the article I linked to at the beginning of this post.


I would have blurred out his name, but the moron apparently did that for me.

. . . and bear poked:


I may have been a tad irritated.

Before it comes up, let me head it off at the pass because I can already see it coming . . .

“But Eric, how much of that $80.59 fare did you get to keep”?

Excellent point.  Let me break it down for you:

$80.59 – Total fare
$63.92 – My cut
-$11.75 – Approx price of gas used round trip
-$15.98 – Approx tax I will pay on it at the end of the year
-$1.25 – Toll paid by me

= $34.94

Total time spent with customer & driving home = 3 hours

That’s $11.64 an hour and we still haven’t mentioned my car insurance, daily car washes, oil, phone data usage, or vehicle wear and tear.

THAT’s how much I “get to keep”.

But don’t tip for great customer service, because living on $11.64 is easy to live on, right?

Can I also add that this demonstrates one of those rare GOOD fares, so $11.64 is a “high end” night.

We don’t want to forget the jackass that same weekend that I drove 9 miles to pick up and only took him half a mile.

So the next time you wonder if you should tip your Uber or Lyft (At least Lyft has a tip option in their app), let me just answer with this:

Yes, if you received good customer service, were delivered to your destination safely and in a clean vehicle, then you absolutely SHOULD tip your driver, because if you can’t be bothered, you can go back to paying twice as much for a cab that smells like burrito farts while the driver talks on his cell phone in another language.  Damn well better give him a 5 star rating too, because the rules about drivers ratings are pretty damn harsh and any average below a 4.6 gets our account suspended and we can’t drive anymore.  Low ratings for bullshit reasons can hurt us more deeply than you think, and NOT being offered a free bottle of water (as some riders seem to have come to expect), or not showing up in a Cadillac when you ordered an UberX ride is NOT a valid reason to drop a star off the rating.  You want a Cadillac, order an UberSelect.


It’s sad that I have to say that, but for the same reason people have to be warned not to use a hair dryer while still in the shower, it needs to be said.

I’m a tipper.  I believe in it, I’ve had to live on it before and now I’m kind of doing it again.  My son is living on it as well.  It’s what some people have to do to get by.  I always tip.  No exception.  If I can’t tip, I don’t go out.  Period.  I usually tip 20 – 25% or even more in the case of exceptional service.  If you get a tip from me that is only %15, then that means you probably suck at customer service and should choose another career path.

To those of you that “don’t believe in tipping”, we know who you are and we see you coming and you have a giant set of balls coming back to a place where you have repeatedly not left a tip . . . don’t you dare wonder why your service was shitty.

You get what you pay for.

Besides, how could you not tip this guy?:



I’m not wearing pants in this video



About 4 years ago, I ventured into unfamiliar waters and published my first ever video blog post, or vlog as it has come to be known.

It wasn’t great.

Which probably explains why I have waited 4 years before trying it again, except this time with some editing and shit.

It probably still isn’t great.

But I’ll let you be the judge of that.

Be gentle.


Tell me in the comments if you want more.


Don’t be a dick.

Self-Induced Customer Service and Other Reasons I’m an Idiot

Denise is laughing her ass off at this meme right now.
Denise is laughing her ass off at this meme right now.

I may have mentioned in passing somewhere in my last post that I wrote like a year ago or two weeks or something like that, that I was about to embark on a temporary adventure into the rideshare experience.

I’ve done it and this was my second weekend offering my personal vehicle to the drunk and disorderly of the Tampa/Saint Petersburg/Clearwater vicinity.  Admittedly, this weekend was a tad slower than the previous one because we were largely under water.

No, that is not a figure of speech.

Welcome to South Tampa!!
Welcome to South Tampa!!

So, needless to say, driving around Tampa, and in particular South Tampa, has not been recommended.  Unfortunately, most of the good “party areas” of Tampa are located in South Tampa and also where the best rideshare money is to be made.  So whether you prefer Uber or Lyft or the criminals that drive the yellow cars, none of them are offering boats or any other watercraft.

Last weekend was a different story.

My adventure started in Brandon, Florida.  For those of you not from the area, it’s basically East Tampa and not really known for it’s party scene.  There are like three bars in Brandon and to hear Liz describe it, those are the bars you go to after you have failed to get laid at a bar in Ybor City at 2 in the morning.

The Bars of the Lonely and still pretty ugly even after 12 beers.

By the end of the night (defined as 4:00 am Sunday morning) I actually had to open Google Maps to figure out where in the hell I was.

Turns out I was 40 miles away on the North side of Clearwater.

And in that one night I had pretty much run the gambit as to the level of idiot that needs to be driven home.

I had the uptight douche who wanted the cheapest ride possible but was offended when I didn’t come to pick him up in a Porsche.  (The app tells the rider what kind of car I’m driving.  Don’t like it, cancel the ride, Assface.)

I had the recently divorced woman that insisted on sitting in the front seat that instructed me to drive 6 miles to get to a bar that was a mile away, then wanted to “chat” while we sat in the parking lot of the destination bar.  (Sorry, 13 cents a minute is NOT enough for this shit!)

I had the extremely drunk dude that entered my car “pre-pissed off” and I got to listen to him tell me why he was pissed for the next 12 miles while he punched the back of my passenger seat.

The trip of the night, however, was the crowd that crammed itself into the back AND front of my car and attracted the attention of the cops standing nearby.

This trip was off to a stellar start.

. . . but lucky for you . . . my camera was installed and functioning.

Yes, you can click this and make it bigger.





. . . and they rode like that for 34 friggin’ miles.

Douchebag in the front seat was passed out for most of it, thankfully.

Girls sang for most of it . . .

. . . when they weren’t referring to me as “Ewic”.

Other two dudes in the back seat also passed out.

Fortunately, no vomit was introduced during this ride or any other that night.

Also, while I have the software that blurs out faces in videos, I found that shit to be harder to do than my lazy ass is willing to get into at this point in time, so that being said, there may be an unblurred link to the YouTube video of this group as they piled in my car hidden somewhere in this post.

This is a completely random image placed here for no reason and is absolutely NOT a hidden link to a YouTube video.
This is a completely random image placed here for no reason and is absolutely NOT a hidden link to a YouTube video.

On the plus side, the money is every bit as good as they say it is.  I actually did really well.  I used a tank and a half of gas last weekend and made enough to fill it 8 and a half times, so all things considered, I’m pretty pleased with the income potential.

Most importantly because Thursday was payday for both the hospital as well as the rideshare company and guess which one fucked up my direct deposit?!

The Feds at their finest, of course.  If it hadn’t been for rideshare, I’d have had no money this weekend.

For those of you that use services such as Uber or Lyft or whatever that other one is, I’m gonna pass you some advice that the companies that provide the service won’t tell you:

  • Tipping is not required, but it is not forbidden as some have been led to believe.  It’s also a nice thing to do, particularly if you have just been given a $4 ride to go three blocks because you’re too drunk to stumble that far.  There’s a good chance the driver had to drive 6 miles to pick you up to go three blocks.
  • Tipping is also a nice thing to do if you’re a dick.
  • That “star rating system” is a thorn in our side.  In most cases, the company will drop us if our rating drops below 4.6, which can happen pretty quickly with every jackass that would have preferred a Porsche.  General rule is, if you arrived in one piece and the driver didn’t give your girlfriend a purple nurple, give him or her 5 stars.  Unless I get puke in my car or I am physically assaulted, you’re getting 5 stars.  (Yes, the drunken crowd of 5 got 5 stars, even if I did want to stab the guy in the passenger seat.)
  • Yes, there are a lot of stories on the news about us.  It is not because we are bad, or expensive or a rip-off.  We are in the news because damn near every taxi cab organization in the country is twelve kinds of pissed because we are doing their job BETTER and CHEAPER in SAFER cars with drivers for which ENGLISH is their first language.

For those of you that don’t use any of these rideshare services, I highly recommend that you start.  You’ll never take a cab again.

On that note, I’m calling it a night.  I have to get up early in the morning and go to work at a place that I hope will pay me to be there this week.  I’ll try to post some more good stories from the road as well as videos for your twisted enjoyment.

. . . and don’t forget to tip your drivers!!

Aluminum Foil – It’s Not Just For Hats Anymore

633673729262531831-TinfoilHatI’d apologize for that pic if I was sorry.

I’m not.

Welcome to Opticynicism if you’re new.  This is the kind of behavior you can expect from me.

For those of you that are not new, you’re used to it and you keep coming back because you expect it and you’re a glutton for punishment.

This post is going to bounce around a little bit and be kind of random.  It’s more of a “get you caught up on my weird-ass life” post, so it’ll have some random bullshit that I thought was funny and some news, both current and upcoming.

Here goes nothing.


First, you should know why I picked the title that I did.  It wasn’t random.


I went over to Liz’s this past weekend as I often do.  (I’m moving back there again in the vicinity of Labor Day for those of you that were wondering and have followed my volatile previous few months.)  At any rate, I arrived at Liz’s to an empty house.  She was off with a couple of her friends and I stepped into a nice quiet house for a pleasant change of pace for me.

If you’ve followed me for the past year, you know that Liz’s house carries great potential for things that are frequently strange.  Lest we not forget Boy’s Kitchen, Bacon Physics, and most importantly, the Penis Cake.  This time I entered the living room to find the couch covered in aluminum foil.

Not balls of aluminum foil thrown all over the couch, or unwrapped food covers tossed willy-nilly about the sofa, no, sheets and probably the better part of a box of aluminum foil covered the couch and pillows.

IMG_1075I’ve become accustomed to coming across some strange shit at Liz’s house, and I was sure there was some kind of reason for it so I wasn’t about to move it.  It did not stop my curiosity.  I texted Liz to find out WTF the deal was with the aluminum foil.


See, I told you there was a reason.

. . . and it works.

This is Bella, NOT on the couch.
This is Bella, NOT on the couch.

As for the “works for her as much as it does for the kids” comment, that comes from the fact that we discovered that if you wanted to keep her kids from eating something you wanted to save, you simply had to cover it or wrap it in aluminum foil.  This results in a phenomenon that renders food invisible to her kids, the same way it keeps the CIA from stealing your thoughts.

I reality, the aluminum foil represents “work” to her kids.  The food inside the foil cannot be identified without removing or opening the foil, which requires “effort”.  Since the food cannot be identified, there is a reasonable risk that the food inside may be undesirable to the offending offspring, creating an environment of “potential wasted effort” because that will cause them to either have to re-apply the aluminum foil thus creating the “unnecessary work” effect, OR not re-apply the aluminum foil and haphazardly place the food substance back into the refrigerator uncovered which results in either myself or Liz having a brain hemorrhage.

The solution for the offspring is to not deal with the aluminum wrapped substance at all, creating the state of “invisible”.

The concept for Bella the Dog is much simpler.

That shit is just creepy and she ain’t goin’ anywhere near it.

In other news, I was at Walgreen’s today and apparently this is a thing . . .


Kill me now.


My quest for full time employment at the VA continues, and in the meantime I’m still scraping some cash together in the work program that I squeezed back in to with the help of the congressman.  In an effort to supplement my cash inflow, I have signed up to be a driver for Uber.  As soon as they finish my criminal background check, I can start driving.

If you are a taxi driver and are about to start berating me and listing all the reasons this is “illegal” and “unfair” and blah, blah, fuckin’ blah . . . save it.  I’ve been researching this for the last 2 weeks and I’ve seen and heard both sides of the argument, weighed the benefits, studied the pros and cons and looked at this from both sides of the argument.  When a guy like me can go from not making a goddamn dime for months to pulling in $1000 a week with a tap of an app, you’re not likely to get me to change my mind.

Also, it’s not illegal.  It’s frowned-upon and that’s different.

I also bought one of these . . .

. . . and I also figured out how to blur out faces and shit in videos.

Also, I’m thinking Opticynicism is about to get real fucking interesting.

Also, if you’re going to be calling for an Uber ride in Tampa, I might recommend that you behave.

Originally I bought this because it was recommended by the Uber driver community as it deters robbery, gives you evidence in the event of an accident, and offers proof in the event a passenger decides to accuse you of wrong-doing of a sexual harassment nature.  My car is well marked as belonging to a USMC veteran, and I have “resting bitch face” so I look angry even when I’m not anyway, I’m thinking robbery is already deterred.  I’m also broke, so that helps.  Being a male, an accusation of sexual harassment is more likely.  Even more so because it’s me.

‘Nuff said.

Also, drunk people on Friday night that need a ride are fucking hilarious and I want you folks to see it.

Also, that may become a whole website all by itself depending on how stupid people in Tampa are.

If you’ve ever been to Tampa, you know my chances are pretty damn good.


I think it’s appropriate to end my post with this . . .



This is the stop sign at the exit of my local Starbucks.  It made me laugh.

Now you can laugh too.

See ya’s soon!!


Ghosts In The Machine

My apologies for taking so long to write a post. I’ve been entirely unmotivated to do so.

To those of you that I asked to let me know when I get slack on posting on my blog, you’re fired.  I’m still here, still alive and I’ve done my best not to completely fuck up my life anymore.  Quite the opposite.  Things are actually going pretty well and moving forward.  Moving slowly, but forward.  Kind of like the Veterans Administration, except they move slowly and sideways, but I’ll get to that.

First, it’s been a while but I wanted to introduce you to the recent giveaway book winners.  Yep, that is plural, even though I only had one giveaway.  The winner of my giveaway of Surviving Mental Illness Through Humor, Meg Hammil of Akron, Ohio was kind enough to send me a pic of her with her prize.



The second giveaway winner is, well . . . me.  No, I did not give myself a book.  Jeff over at Jeff and Jill Went Up The Hill was kind enough to let a computer program choose me at random to win my very own copy of The Big Book of Parenting Tweets put together by our good friend Kate Hall of Can I Get Another Bottle of Whine.  So thank you very much to both Jeff and Kate!

Doing a very poor imitation of “Jeff in the Electric Forest” with my book.


Since you didn’t win because we all know who did, be sure and pick up your own copy using one of the links above.  You won’t be sorry and I wasted far too much time trying to get those Amazon links to center in the post, so I give up and it’s time to move on.


I haven’t entirely been unmotivated.  I’ve been struck with the “that would make a great blog post” itch on several occasions, but having been busy or otherwise occupied at the time, all of those itches failed to get scratched and then the idea was lost and forgotten and I’ll be damned if I have any idea what they were.  You’d think I would carry around a notepad to jot this shit down, or actually put the notepad app on the iPhone to use, but no, I just let that shit fly away.

Instead I’ve returned to doing the stuff that I was doing before I flipped my life upside down a couple of months ago. Thanks to the Congressman, I’ve returned to work at the hospital where I was, doing the same thing I was doing before and with the same people.  That’s the good part.

The bad part is that they have only allowed me to work 3 days a week and I have to spend the other 2 applying for any and all jobs that I can find, which I’ll take at this point because they’ll only give me 24 goddamn hours of work a week.  I’ve also got to attend resume writing classes and interview skills classes.

It’s all part of the program, ya see.  The program I got back into in order to hold me over until I can get hired permanently at the hospital, which is currently slated for August, but the people of the program don’t care about that.  What they care about is that I blew the whistle on them to a Congressman that didn’t appreciate their bullshit and now they had to take me back in.

So they let me back in.  Also, they are pissed about it, so they are going to go out of their way to make it as miserable for me as possible.

Fuck ’em.  Two can play at that game.

On the upside of that, I’ve actually learned a few things about resume writing from the classes.  For example, forget every fucking thing they ever taught you in high school about writing a resume.  It’s all different now.

  • Objective – Remember that introductory sentence or two full of bullshit that you were supposed to put at the top?  Not anymore.  Leave that shit off.
  • Two pages or less rule – This still applies, however now they claim that all the most important stuff should be in the first 1/3 of the front page, so learn brevity or work with a microscopic font, it doesn’t matter, because . . .
  • Nobody is actually going to read the fucking thing.  It would seem that our resumes are now run through some kind of software that searches the resume for “keywords”.  The computer then searches through the resume looking for certain words to pop up that are pre-determined by whoever is looking for new employees.  The resumes are then separated by the computer into “possible hires” and “rejections”.
  • Should your resume hit the “rejection” pile because you used the word “sorted” rather than “organized”, it is then either deleted or shredded, because guess what kids, no response at all is the new “we’re sorry, but you just don’t have the qualifications we are looking for.”  You must be as polite as possible.  The hiring entity, however, can be as rude as fucking possible and you just have to put up with that shit.
  • Assuming the computer puts you in the “possible hires” pile, it is then passed to some idiot who isn’t going to look past the top 1/3 of the page and decide to hire you based on your name, email address and the last two jobs you had.  That said, make sure you don’t use your titsinmyface69@yahoo.com address on a resume.
  • Do not put references or the words “references available upon request” on your resume.  They have finally figured out that you always list your drinking buddies to pose as your former boss, so they don’t bother to waste their time anymore.

The one thing that hasn’t changed is that your resume should absolutely, positively be 125% bullshit.  I don’t care if you are applying to do the laundry at a brothel, your resume had better make you look like Steve Jobs rode the short bus and licked the windows.  Don’t forget to use the keywords “biologicals” and “protein stain” on that particular resume.

To keep this post from ending right here, let’s pretend you won the lottery and the machines have chosen you as a prospective employee.  You are now faced with the interview.  For the most part, the rules haven’t changed for the interview.  Dress nicely, don’t be a dick and try not to scratch your balls.  They have pretty much decided whether or not to hire you before you ever show up for the interview, so short of masturbating in their office or them noticing that the last 2/3rd’s of your resume are the lyrics to Right Here, Right Now by Jesus Jones, your fate was pre-determined.

At the end of the day, all that matters is that you look good on paper . . . to a computer.  The Terminator movies were not as far off as we may have thought.  The machines seem to be running the show.

I currently have about 17 resumes, each tailored with the appropriate keywords for different types of jobs.  I could also give two shits about any of them because I still have my sights set on the job waiting for me in August.  I have not discounted the possibility that I may not get it, but those chances are getting slimmer and slimmer by the day.  I’ll survive and be able to get a job elsewhere if necessary.  I just have to be smarter than the machines and pray to God nobody ever Googles my name or I’m fucked.

I think I’ll just use a pseudonym on my resume instead.

It’s good to be back.  I’m feeling good and doing well and a million thanks to everyone that has been keeping up with me.  I’ll be around here a little more often as things return to a little bit better than normal.  I’ve missed everyone and really got a kick out of all the reports from BlogU on my Facebook feed.  That is a goal I have for next year.  I want to meet all those awesome bloggers.

In the meantime, I’ll keep chugging along doing what I gotta do.

I’ve become addicted to a game on my phone too, so if anyone is playing SimCity Buildit and has a Game Center or fake Facebook account to play it with, I really need expansion parts.

Oh, and cheese.

And bread rolls.


and probably a new 12-step program.

To the creators of this game . . .


The Day I Found Out I Was Banned From The Library

 . . . and that day was today.

No, I’m not kidding, but not banned in the way you are probably thinking.  I did not stage a vivacious flash mob in the lobby, and I didn’t do an interpretive dance version of Stephen Kings “It” for the 3 – 5 year old Saturday Morning Reading Corner.
 . . . that anyone can prove.

No, I found out that I can’t look at the very words you are reading right now, and neither can you.

I passed on picking up the laptop from Liz’s house this weekend because I thought it might be nice to sit in the nice, quiet library and maybe type up another rambling rehab a thought provoking, humorous blog post.

. . . but no, it was not meant to be.

 Apparently I may be considered obscenity, as is Google and my Gmail account and any and all of YOUR blogs too.

Don’t know where they could have got that fucking idea.

Remember back in the day whenever you needed knowledge about anything at all, the answer was always, “Go to the library”?  The library was the Google of the pre-internet era.  It was that or 2 years and $1900 later, you too could own the entire Encyclopedia Brittanica set that was obsolete and out of date by the time you had the whole thing.  So all you needed to know, you could get at the library.

Apparently, that’s still true today.  You can still find everything you need to know at the library … if they think you need to know it.

Why is that?

Because little Johnny Jackass decided to illegally download the latest Flo-Rida album at the library.

Because Jimmy Jerkoff thought it would be cool to rub one out at the library so his mom didn’t see it in his browser history.

Is it censorship?  Maybe.  If it is, it’s selective censorship (but isn’t all censorship selective by nature?)  There is a reason I point out the selective nature. While the library is protecting you and I from both my self-righteous opinion and my liberal tossing of the f-bomb (as opposed to the tossing that has been banned by the Athlone Institute of Technology Library), some things seem to have slipped through the cracks (that statement will be hysterical in a minute).

There is a musty fingered waiting list for one of the 25 copies of the 50 Shades of Grey DVD’s.  (Told you that shit was gonna be hysterical, but that’s why I’m banned.)

“But Eric!”, you squeal with delight, “We can take the DVD back to the privacy of our own home”! *shudder*

Point taken, so let’s go with it being yet another case of the many being punished for the deeds of the few.  The janitor had a small biohazard spill in one of the computer cubicles, so instead of punishing the choker of the chicken, we’re not going to let anyone go anywhere on our beloved internet except the Food Stamp application website and the YouTube channel of Billy Graham reruns.

Johnny “I’m an upper middle class white boy gangstah” Jackass managed to download a bootleg copy of Hot Tub Time Machine 2, so instead of monitoring for excessive bandwidth use, we’ll just cut you off from everything except finding out how far down the 50 Shades waiting list you are.

While we’re at it, I heard there may have been a couple of DUI’s last night, so let’s ban cars and have all the vehicle manufacturers focus on public transportation so our dumb asses can be told where to go and how to get there because we, the general public, apparently don’t have sense enough to tie our own fucking shoes.

Which, given the level of intelligence I encountered at McDonald’s this morning, may actually be true.  (Click that link only if you are prepared to join a very long debate on the validity of the $15 McDonald’s hourly wage.)

No, because of Spunkmaster Flash, the internet challenged that have to depend on the library for internet access are denied access to legitamately excellent writers.  They don’t get to read Lizzi’s quest for global compassion and liberal spreading of glitter.  Women trying to escape abuse and are looking for advice can’t benefit from the experience, strength and hope of The Sisterwives.

They are denied the healing power of laughter from JeffAlysonKathrynSarah and so DAMN many others that you can find over there on my sidebar.

(There are SO many more of you, please forgive me as if I tried to list you all, it would double the word count of this post.)

Someone trying to find the encouragement to get sober might miss the very thing they needed to hear in some of my own posts.

I suppose I should thank the library.  I should thank them for giving me something to vent about and thus validating this blog as being what I have always claimed it to be, my own personal therapy session.  All I wanted was a nice, quiet place to vent my frustrations and perhaps help another human being or two or a hundred, or at the very least, maybe provide them with a much-needed laugh.

I can’t do that, though, because I might say “fuck” or post a pic of Tom’s nuts or, God-forbid, talk about Beth Teliho’s Vagina.


Tom’s nuts.

So instead, I pulled up a chair at Starbucks, drank far too much coffee and typed most of this post on my 1st generation iPad that isn’t supported beyond iOS 5.1.1 and crashes if you look at it funny.

  I’m lucky despite the fact that I don’t always portray that on here.  I still got to vent and get my word out whether you agree with it or not.  Not everyone has that advantage and today’s world isn’t making it easy for those without it to obtain it.

So stop by your local library and get on one of the computers they provide for “your convenience”.  If you can’t access your own work, stand up and tell them to quit being a dick or you’ll be forced to masturbate to Billy Graham YouTube videos just to prove a point.

It won’t work, but damn, what a blog post you’ll have!

Namaste Motherfuckers!

(I’ve had waaaaaaaaay too much coffee.)

Don’t forget your chance to win a copy of Surviving Mental Illness Through Humor, an anthology put together by Alyson Herzig and Jessica Azar, featuring a ton of writers you have come to know and love.  It’s too easy to miss out on!  All you have to do is click the ‘SMITH’ link above (or just go back one post and you’ll be there) and leave a comment.  That’s it!  Easy!  You can even drop F-Bombs!  Fuck the library!